Saturday, November 29, 2008

Still trying!

We don't do the Black Friday shopping sprees and so we all got to sleep in a bit yesterday. Jeff encouraged me to go with he and Lauren to a couple of places yesterday afternoon, just to get out of the house. It did feel good getting out, but around my usual hour to an hour an a half time limit I was fading fast. It is hard to get that tired because there isn't much I can do except go to bed and that is what I did for a few hours. Lauren has asked if we can get the Christmas stuff out, I must have had a weary look on my face when I said "do you think we should put it all up this year or just some of it?" Lauren was shocked to hear me( MRS. CLAUS ) complain about decorating really worried her. I realized then, that I need to watch what comes out of my mouth. It isn't that I don't love Christmas, because I do... if I could change it so every day was Christmas I would but this year I am struggling to feel anything at all. Jeff reminded me that I felt the same exact way 7 years ago when had cancer and he was right. I guess it's normal to have tougher seasons and or years, this has certainly been one of them.

I struggle when I some times read the Christmas letters that we get from others, as they share all the wonderful things and wonderful places that they went that year as a family, I often wonder what we have done? Some time we joke about what we would put down in our Christmas letter, let's see ...we have family dinners together every night, that we spend one night a week  together , that we fixed things around the house and maybe that we go somewhere on the weekend.  That never seemed exciting enough to write down but this year would have been even less exciting... with all of our sicknesses, the passing of my dad and now my cancer, yes...we will spare anyone of that depressing Christmas letter.

I guess the truth is... we really are happy with our life in general. This cancer has stirred us up a bit but we truly are grateful for our simple and happy life. Yes, there are a thousand things that we would love to do and places to go but ,there is a time and season for everything. I need to try and remember this year to be excited about Christmas, it truly is my favorite time of the year but this fight with cancer has robbed me of much of the usual excitement and energy that I have. We are going to put up Christmas today, we are going to keep those Christmas carols playing on the radio and some way, some how I am going to try and put aside all my worries and concern and catch the Christmas spirit.

I was reading in my scriptures this morning the story in Mark 9:17-27 (in a book that I am reading called DRAW NEAR UNTO ME the author Steven Cramer makes some good points about this scripture). It was the story about a man who had a son who had been very sick for many years. I couldn't even imagine the emotional pain that the parents felt having a child suffer like that,  year after year, with no medical help or hope of ever changing the situation.  He must have struggled with his hope or believe that any thing would ever change their circumstances. Yet in verse 22 the father says to Christ "if thou canst do anything, have compassion on us, and help us". Jesus responded by asking him IF THOU CANST BELIEVE, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE TO HIM THAT BELIEVETH?  In the next couple of verses we read where the father begins to cry and admits that he believes but, to help his unbelief. I can truly relate to that, it seems when things get too tough or my prayers are not answered quickly or maybe as I hoped they would be, then I begin to wonder about why everything is happening like it is. I wonder if I have done something wrong or do I just not have enough faith?  But like the story goes on to tell, the father seemed to be surprised at what the Savior said to him, he had assumed that everything was up to the Lord's power, but Christ reminded him that it is more up to you and your belief in my power. The father wanted to have more faith but the years and years of watching his  son suffer, had worn him down and he asked the Lord to help his unbelief and He did. The boy was healed  and it was a permanent healing. It was a miracle, something we all need though out our lives.

Jeff and I one time began to write down all the miracles in our lives and we were surprised at how many there really have been! I do believe that there are miracles happening every day but many times we miss them because we are too busy or because we aren't looking or expecting them. I need to look more and expect more miracles in my life...because I know they will be there. I need just like this father who had been worn down by worry and stress to remember my FAITH and to keep looking up. My dear friend gave me a plaque that sits proudly on my shelf that says...KEEP LOOKING UP ... THAT'S WHERE MIRACLES COME FROM! So today I will try to keep my thoughts on track and keep looking up!

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