Loss!

A dear friend of ours passed away last week. It had saddened my heart. What an amazing lady she was and still is. She will be missed by so many, especially her sweet husband, kids and dear grandchildren. Like everyone else, you ask yourself what can I do? Realizing that there are soooo many friends that asking this too and yet all the family have asked for is their privacy. Through church, the other families in their ward... have taken care of needs while all the family is in town.

Last night when Jeff and I were talking about what we could do, he reminded me of one of my favorite books about grief and loss called ..Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss
by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen.I had loaned the last one out and don't know where it is...so I just forgot about it. We decided to go pick one up at the book store for their family. Then tonight I made some tissue holders, for her kids or grandkids. Wish I could have done more, I just didn't know what to do and thought that tissues would come in handy. I dropped the stuff of to some of their other family that lives near, and asked if they would give them to the family for tomorrow. I cried on my way home. 

Just imaging what their family is going through, made me sad. Loss is hard. My prayers and thoughts go out for them and everyone who has to go through such loss and heartache in their lives. May we all pray to know what we can do... to help others in their time of need
Good Night dear friends!

Lifting up those who are in need!

I recently read an article that was written by a licensed clinical social worker. He had experienced some real losses in his life and was expressing the things that he learned and suggestions to others, who want to help in time of need. The article is called Lifting the Hands which hang down by Stephen Havertz and you can read all of it here:

I wanted to share a few things that I really thought were good to remember, especially coming from his unique perspective on grief and loss...

In his own experience, even when he thought that he had handled the death of his child, he realized that there were still times when emotions seemed to sneak up and ambush him. He said that he felt like most of his life he was a fairly EVEN emotionally, but during and after a few of these really hard trials he felt like his EMOTIONS OVERPOWERED ALL LOGIC!
What can I say?
Please don't say " I know what you are going through " if you never have experienced that exact situation. And even sometimes if you have, remember that everyone and everyone's experiences and life are different, so they could feel differently still. EACH TYPE OF GRIEF COMES WITH ITS OWN SET OF QUESTIONS AND OFTEN A HEAVY DOSE OF REGRET AND EMOTIONAL PAIN.
In all cases, those who wish to help will be most effective when they can be sensitive to the unique situation. It's probably best to express your love and condolences to the grievers and avoid making statements about what they should do or how they should feel.
PEOPLE WHO WANT TO HELP SHOULD BE VERY CAREFUL ABOUT PLACING A TIME LIMIT ON SOMEONE'S GRIEF. Some people believe that you should be finished grieving in a year and a half. He mentions that his daughter died 3 years ago and still he feels tremendous pain whenever he visits the hospital where she was sick. This type of grief doesn't mean that he is depressed or inconsolable, but rather it suggests that he still misses the daughter that he loved so much.
What is helpful?
He mentions that it is helpful to have conversations with others when they talk about their favorite memories of his daughter. It is also helpful when they are willing to listen to his favoritie memories of her. YOU DON'T HAVE TO HELP PEOPLE WHO ARE GRIEVING TO STOP CRYING. They still need to release their feelings and that is ok!
He said one neighbor ( that he didn't know well ) just came over and just gave him a hug, that was his way of communicating his love and concern for him. Another person and some friends came over ( unexpectantly ) and did his yard work. He really appreciated that.
What is really important to remember?
THESE EXPERIENCES HAVE TAUGHT HIM THAT IT IS BEST TO BE EMPATHETIC AND PROACTIVE ABOUT HELPING THOSE WHO ARE GRIEVING. IF YOU TAKE TIME TO OBSERVE, YOU CAN OFTEN COME UP WITH IDEAS FOR HOW TO HELP THAT ARE SPECIFIC TO THE GRIEVER'S NEED.  AND ALWAYS KEEP IN MIND...THAT  PEOPLE MOURN IN DEEPLY PERSONAL WAYS!
So we need to stand ready to help and lift up other, as the Savior would have us to do.
Good night dear friends!

How to survive the grief?

I looked up this web site, which gave suggestions for people who are suffering loss of a loved one. It was a neat idea. When my Mom passed away, we gave many of her clothes to a nursing home near by. But some things I just wanted to keep, and have near me. I only wished that I would have kept more and used them for Memorial Quilts, like these ladies make. It was a very healing idea!  Read it and see what you think?

Memorial Quilts

So what did you do with their clothes?

Well, you probably gave the nicest garments to friends and family, and that's a good thing. But what about the rest of their clothing? It will help de-clutter your life and lighten your grief a little bit if you eventually clean out your loved one's closet, and dispose of their clothes, shoes, ties or purses and other personal items.

And we know exactly what you should do with some of the fabrics... make one of these memorial quilts! (Or have one made for you).

Remembering Bobby

One family who lost their 16-year-old son Bobby to a sudden cardiac death, used quilt making as a ritual for working through their grief. Five quilts were made, one for each member of the family, each of Bobby's younger siblings, and each parent. One of Bobby's shirt pockets was sewn onto each quilt, and the oldest child remarked that the pocket looked as if it was actually on Bobby's chest.

As part of their griefwork, each night the children write a private note to Bobby and tuck it into his pocket. In this way, the kids share their day with their lost brother. The grieving parents also use the quilts in their own way. Bobby's mother wraps herself in her quilt to be close to her son, and his father hung his quilt at work in his office.

Just the gathering of women (and men!) for quilt making can provide much-needed emotional and social support in your time of bereavement. We realize that some people are just not cut out for a project like this. So we present below several different ways you can go with your memorial quilt project.

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/memorial-quilts.html

"Man, when he does not grieve, hardly exists."  ~Antonio Porchia

"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose."

"Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow."  ~Dan Rather

Finding HOPE!

Yesterday I had the opportunity to see my friend, whose husband passed away last month. She was holding up well she said, but she also feels like she is definitely still in shock. She knows the grieve will come. I finally was able to tell her why I hadn't called or even sent a card. I tried to express to her how it hurts to see someone you know, die of the very same disease that you, yourself have battled. It doesn't really matter if you were close to them, it still hurts and hurts bad. She was kind to try and understand, and then went on to tell me about the few last days they had together. They were much shorter than the Doctors predicted. I tried to not cry as she spoke, I could tell once again, my heart began aching and I wanted to some how to ease her pain. Yet I also know that her faith is strong, and that she will make it with the help of her Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ.  Tonight I will leave you with this beautiful poem about Death, I don't think I have used it before. If I did, I am sorry... but I think it bears repeating. Good night dear friends!

"Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we are still
Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we always enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well.
Nothing is past; nothing is lost
One brief moment and all will be as it was before
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again! "

"Fear needs to give away to faith in order for us to access the Lord's guidance and comfort"

Matthew 11:29-30 "Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me;...and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

"I felt as if the sun had burst through the clouds after a long, dark storm."

Life isn't fair

I loved this article, that I read about life not being fair. There have been times I have felt like that and just like this article mentions, it isn't a good place to stay mentally. Here is a watered down version of her thoughts and tips on things that helped her, during this tough time. I have included the web site of hers, where you can read more if you like!

I remember so clearly sitting next to my dad as we drove through town. I was discussing some injustice I had suffered and he looked directly at me and said, “no one ever said life was fair.” I was completely devastated. Later on as my marriage crumbled in spite of my ongoing efforts to hold it together, I could still hear those words echo in my heart. Now as I raise two kids alone, attempt to create new  relationships and build a business, I am forced every day to face this inevitable truth. I decided to stop running from the obvious and to accept my dad’s wisdom, albeit with the help of a few sound strategies I’ve learned along the way.

We will all face loss, unexpected change and feeling like the rug has been pulled out from beneath us. Some of us are recovering from harsh realities that will take time to heal. I wanted to share what worked for me. Here are my top ten ways to get over the “it’s not fair syndrome."

Anne Mattos-Leedom is the publisher of www.parentingbookmark.com , a national parenting website for raising caring kids. Anne is also the Founder of www.netconnectpublicity.com, a premier online placement agency for experts and authors. She lives in Northern California with her two teenage daughters.

"Life may not always seem fair, but we can learn to roll with the punches and make new choices along the way."

1.Stop Comparing

We choose for ourselves what seems fair by comparing our lives and circumstances to those of others around us.

2.Take Charge of Your Beliefs

We are often conditioned from a young age to expect certain things in life as we grow up. However, as an adult we need to let go of beliefs and expectations that are not working for us.

3.Grieve and Move on

It is only in coming to terms with our grief and realizing that everyone suffers at one time or another that we can move on.

4.Relinquish Resentment and Set New Goals

However, holding on to that frustration can keep you from moving forward. If whatever you are working on is not working, take a step back, re-assess and set a new goal that has a better chance of success. Use other people’s success as motivation and model to do better yourself. It doesn’t matter if it should have worked. If it isn't working, move on.

5.Redefine the Concept of Fair

Often we look to a divine power to be completely and totally responsible for our lives. We say, it isn’t fair that I didn’t get that job or my marriage didn’t work out, etc. because of how we believe that the universe and/or God should care for us blindly. Our lives are a team effort with the divine. Our part is to do the best we can and then to see past the moment into the bigger picture and knowing that ultimately what happens if part of that plan. Often things are much fairer then we realize at the time. That is where faith comes in.

6.Give Up on Control

Develop a healthy balance between giving things your best effort and then understanding ultimately it is out of your control. Put your efforts into the process but learn to let go of the need to control the outcome.

7.Build a ‘Fairness Support Circle'

When you share your pain and circumstances with others and realize you are not alone, you can turn the sense of “it isn’t fair” into compassion and eventually, action to let go.

8.Reflect on the Truth

Take a hard look at your circumstances that seem so unfair and ask yourself the hard questions about what you did do or not do that might have increased the chances of this happening to you.

9.Get Help When Needed

Getting professional help at this point may be the only way you can look at the real issues that may be plaguing you and to get the tools you need to move forward past your current pain into a place of hope and possibility once again.

10.Accept that Life isn’t Fair

We will see others succeed that don’t seem to deserve it. It is only in truly accepting that we don’t know the whole picture—or why things happen as they do--that we can move on. It is not for any of us to say why things happen as they do. Life may not be fair, but you can be fair—and be the best human being you can be.

 

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone."  ~ Reba McEntire

"Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, a touch that never hurts."   ~ Charles Dickens

Tragedy

 

I started off my day with a phone call from my brother this morning. He told me that last night one of my cousins died in a car accident. He a husband and father of 4 young children. My heart just broke when I heard that. How do you ever prepare yourself for something like that? I wished we lived closer, so that at least we could help with the kids or something. I do realize the power of prayers though, and so we will pray for his wife, children, mother and family. He certainly will be missed. So tonight, I will dedicate my post to my sweet cousin's family and all those who suffering and hurting this holiday season. These are a few suggestions that I found that might helpful.

If you have lost a loved one, you might be wondering how to cope with your grief this holiday season.

With the first fallen leaf of autumn, we begin to anticipate the holidays ahead. Our senses are acute and take in everything: the smell of turkey roasting and freshly baked pies; the holiday songs playing on the radio; the sound of laughter from our loved ones who have gathered together. But for those of us who are experiencing illness, grief, or the loss of a loved one, the holidays can be a time of sadness, pain, anger, or dread.

The ebb and flow of grief can overwhelm us with waves of memories, especially during the holidays. Grief will also magnify the stress that is already a part of the holiday season. How do we begin to fill the emptiness we feel when it seems everyone else is overflowing with joy? There are some strategies to help you cope during the holidays and beyond.

Strategies for Survival

Offer Yourself Some Grace
The best thing you can do this holiday season is be kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is your feeling. Don’t fall prey to the belief that you have to feel a certain way or do certain things for your holiday to be “normal.” If you feel sad, allow the tears to come; if you feel angry, allow yourself to vent some steam.

Be Kind to Yourself
Get the rest and nourishment you need. Don’t take on any more than you can handle. If you need to be alone, honor that. If you crave the company and affection of others, seek it out. Do whatever it is that feels right to you.

Ask For and Accept Help
You will need the help and support of others to get through. Don’t feel as though you are a burden. People get immense satisfaction and joy from helping those they care about.

In times of need, other people desire to help but often don’t know how. This is the time for you to speak up and make your needs known. If you need someone to help you with meals, shopping, or decorating, tell them so. They will be delighted to feel like they are helping you in some way.

The same holds true for your emotional needs. Friends and family may feel uncomfortable when it comes to talking about your grief. They may think that you don’t want to talk about it and don’t want to remind you of your pain. Again, you will have to direct them in the best way to help you. If you want to talk about what you’re going through or just want a shoulder to cry on, let your loved ones know.

Find Support
Sharing your feelings is the best way to get through them. You need people you can talk to. Friends and relatives can be a great support to us during times of grief.

Stop the Comparisons
It’s easy to watch other families and compare them to your own. Seeing other families together and enjoying the festivities may make you feel deprived.

Remember That You Will Survive
As hard as it is for you right now, you will survive. You will make it through the holidays in one piece. It may be the most difficult season in your time of grief, but it will pass. And when it does, you will come out on the other side stronger than before.

"The best gift you can give anyone you love, even someone you have lost, is being true to yourself and living your life to the fullest. "

"Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death."

Heart Break

Yesterday I heard on the news about the 4 Police Officers that were killed here in Washington. We have some dear friends that have family members who are Police officers, and I know that they are worried and heart broken today. Our prayers and thoughts go out to them. Then I also heard yesterday that a dear friend of mine has lung cancer. She had already battled and beaten cancer a few years ago and now she is battling it again. My heart goes out to her family and her. I am telling you, these are tough things that are going on in the world and in our lives today. I hope all of us will be grateful for what we have and keep a prayer in our hearts for those around us who are suffering. I pray that we will all have the faith that we will need to sustain us during these times and a give us a peace that the world can't offer.

So tonight I would like to leave you with a couple of thoughts and a poem. Good night dear friends!

 

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit.

"Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy."  ~ Unknown

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. " ~ C.S. Lewis

"To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die." ~ Thomas Campbell

You are strong!

This was an amazing poem and one that I should make a lot of copies of and put them up all over my house so that I can see it everywhere. We are strong but too often we only remember our weak times, the days that seem Bigger Than Us! This was a great reminder for all of us.

Have a great evening! And thanks for helping remind me how STRONG I am!

YOU ARE STRONG
You are strong ..
when you take your grief and teach it to smile.
You are brave ..
when you overcome your fear and help others
to do the same.

You are happy ..
when you see a flower and are thankful
for the blessing.

You are loving ..
when your own pain does not blind you to the
pain of others.

You are wise ..
when you know the limits of your wisdom.

You are true ..
when you admit there are times you
fool yourself.

You are alive ..
when tomorrow's hope means more to you than
yesterday's mistake.

You are growing ..
when you know what you are but not what you
will become.

You are free ..
when you are in control of yourself and do not wish
to control others.

You are honorable ..
when you find your honor is to honor others.

You are generous ..
when you can take as sweetly as you can give.

You are humble ..
when you do not know how humble you are.

You are thoughtful ..
when you see me just as I am and treat me
just as you are.

You are merciful ..
when you forgive in others the faults you condemn
in yourself.

You are beautiful ..
when you don't need a mirror to tell you.

You are rich ..
when you never need more than what you have.

You are you ..
when you are at peace with who you are not.

Author Unknown