Paintbrush or Mask

For years as a victim of abuse, I wore a mask ( a smile, a happy face ) so that others wouldn't really know the real me. It took me years to take my mask off and I couldn't really do that without learning to love the person who was under the mask...ME!  I still struggle every now and then with my self esteem, I know who I am ...a daughter of God, but sometimes when life hits me hard and I start to forget alittle. I am what they call a WORK in PROCESS. I believe we all are to some degree. I believe that is why we are here on earth, to learn and grow from our problems and trials. I believe that life gets better when we learn to love the person under the mask or like this poem describes it...the paint!

I hope all of us will try to show our true colors, our real self and keep company of true friends, who really love us and accept us! May we all remember more often...who we are and hold up our heads proudly to be... beautiful, talented, wonderful daughters of a Heavenly  Father who loves us!!!

The Paintbrush

I keep my paint brush with me
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up
So the real me doesn't show.

I'm so afraid to show you me,
Afraid of what you'll do - that
You might laugh or say mean things.
I'm afraid I might lose you.

I'd like to remove all my paint coats
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.

So if you'll be patient and close your eyes,
I'll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
To let the real me show.

Now my coats are all stripped off.
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love me with all that you see,
You are my friend, pure as gold.

I need to save my paint brush, though,
And hold it in my hand,
I want to keep it handy
In case someone doesn't understand.

So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true,
But please let me keep my paint brush with me
Until I love me, too.

Author is either Bettie B. Youngs or David, Wizard of Oz

 

"Happiness is:  Looking in a mirror and like what you see." ~Author Unknown

"When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you." ~Lao-Tzu

'You gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face. You must do that which we think we cannot."   ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Putting the mask back on.

Another tough day today, constantly I am hitting the wall...emotionally and physically. I am not sure why, but I am struggling and I am desperately trying to get back to my normal bright side of life. I tried to explain to Jeff tonight, how hard I am struggling, I just cried through most of it and he just looked helpless. I wish I could pin point why I am feeling like this? This really isn't like me. I am usually happy just doing what limited things I can, but at least I can still do something! I have been going over and over again in my thoughts why I am hurting so much, I know I am in pain, I am physically tired ( too tired ) but that is part of my normal every day life, and I always seem to wake up excited to have another day, but not today. Everything I had to do, I did the best I could, but it took effort and I had to put my mask back on. You know the one that tries to show the world you are ok and doing well, but underneath you are hurting, scared or frustrated.

I knew I was at a low point today, because my thoughts were out of control. I kept having these questions of why I feel like this, why am I not better or stronger? Then the thoughts that came were...your cancer must have come back. Now I normally DO NOT go there, but for some reason, I can't shake this today. I know that thoughts like that aren't productive or healthy. They are however normal for survivors, some of the time. But ever since my friend lost her battle with Cancer, it has been a reoccurring thought.

Anyway, I am sorry to have been so honest. I don't want my blog to be discouraging or hard on you. Yet at the same time, I feel a big impression to be real and  honest. I am going to bed soon, and I am just going to chalk this whole day up as a BIGGER THAN ME DAY! Thank you for your faith and prayers in my behalf. I am sure that this to will pass...I just hope it doesn't take too long! I need to also remember that Saturday night and Sunday were good days, I know that counting your blessings helps a lot, so I don't want to forget to do that. Good night dear friends!

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one, which has been opened for us.” ~ Helen Keller

“ One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn’t pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.”   ~Lucille Ball