I got up this morning feeling a bit better because I slept pretty well but as the day wore on the soreness in my arm got bad again. I just keep thinking any day now we are going to start having more good days than bad, but I guess we weren't starting today! Jeff and kids headed off to church and I could do nothing more than sit in my chair and write thank you notes. I kept thinking that any minute I was going to feel better and go upstairs and get a bath and ready for the day but... that didn't happened. When Jeff and the kids got home I still was in my pajamas and in a lot of pain. I noticed that Jeff was a bit more distant than normal today, I asked if he was upset about something or if I had done anything? He said no, just that he was discouraged that I don't seem to be getting any better. I felt bad,not that I can do anything about it really, but bad for him. He must get tired of seeing me sick and hurting all the time. I noticed the last couple of days that he went out to the stores while he was off for Thanksgiving, just to get out of the house and do some window shopping. I know he would have loved to have me go with him but I just don't have the stamina.He is a great man and deserves such a better life!
Now for a moment I went into this terrible train of thought that, Jeff deserves so much more than this life with me. All the things that I should be able to do with him and how sorry I feel for being such a sick wife and mother most of our lives. It didn't take long to realize that those feelings couldn't bring anything good with them, THOUGHTS they can be so dangerous. So I tried to not complain any more today and finally at 5:00 p.m. I got my bath and tried to act as if I felt better. The kids made dinner and I was grateful because I knew I couldn't do a bath and dinner. Lee and Lauren have been incredible and they too do more than their part to help around here, I have been blessed with wonderful kids too.
They wanted to put up Christmas...and so that is what we did for the rest of the evening. I decided this year to share some of my Christmas decorations with others and scale it down a bit, so we were almost done by bed time. What is it about the Christmas lights that make the house seem magical? I loved Christmas as a child, even among all the terrible things that were going on with me, Christmas was good. My mom was always baking, she wasn't much of a decorator but she sure shared her cooking talents with everyone. Our home always smelled great during the Christmas season. My dad worked away from home a lot and we weren't especially close, he worked at a job his whole life that he hated and he seemed to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders most of the time. But at Christmas that all changed, he was like a child with all the Christmas lights, presents for others and surprises for us.That was a great memory for me. He and my mom were both so generous, especially at Christmas. Some traditions of my childhood I would like to keep and that was one of them.
This year will be a bit different though with me being down like this. We won't be able to do our Open Houses, big Christmas projects and some of our other traditions this year, we will have to improvise I guess? I pray that some how the things we do though, will keep the Christmas spirit in our home and the kids happy. I hate for them to remember only my struggle with cancer this Christmas.
So I will try not to complain any more tonight to you either. I do know this won't last forever but it has seemed like a very long time. Being in such pain is taking it's toll and I really hope that my body starts healing soon so that I can be more like my old self, (if she is even still in there?). I keep making the mistake of comparing my experience the first time with cancer, to now and that is tripping me up a bit. Why? Because by now I had already made my decision of how to fight my cancer, my surgery was only a lumpectomy and because I only had 2 nodes removed I felt great after surgery. This whole experience has been much much more trying and everything is different, it has only been 2 1/2 weeks since my surgery and it was quite a big surgery. This week I begin the appointments and I think deep down I am dreading all the energy that will take. So much for not complaining any more, sorry about that.
I am grateful for this Christmas season, it truly is my favorite time of the year. I love all the Christmas songs too. The one that comes to mind is Hark the Herald Angels Sing... I need to remember that there are angels every where, family and friends like you, who keep encouraging me along the way. Thank you for that!