Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Bigger than me days!

When I was diagnosed with Cancer almost 7 years ago, one important thing that I learned was that there would be days that are bigger than me or I should say bigger than my ability to handle them. I learned to just realize that they are going to be there and not to stress too much about them. I also noted, that if there were a lot of those days then I needed to worry about that and take action. I don't have a lot of them but I have seemed to struggle more than normal this past week and so I didn't write in my blog. Then a dear friend said to me, "but you should write about those days because we all have them and it is good to know that you aren't the only one."

How blessed I am to have such wonderful friends that continue to teach me. I have felt a bit useless just sitting around and napping so much, it seems like just doing some of the basics around the house even wipe me out. It has only been one week now that I have canceled everything, and I wish I could say I feel a 100% better and ready to take back on the world but....I don't. I am still very, very tired. I have finally given myself permission to just not worry about the laundry, food, dishes, bills etc for a moment and just go to sleep. I pray that this will really work.

I keep reading this poem that I have on my mirror and I know that it helps me realize the bigger picture of life, instead of dwelling on the problems that I am having right now. It goes like this...

"OUR DEEPEST FEAR IS NOT THAT WE ARE INADEQUATE.  OUR DEEPEST FEAR IS THAT WE ARE POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE.  IT IS OUR LIGHT,NOT OUR DARKNESS, THAT MOST FRIGHTENS US.  WE ASK OURSELVES, WHO AM I TO BE BRILLIANT, GORGEOUS, TALENTED, FABULOUS?  ACTUALLY, WHO ARE YOU NOT TO BE?   YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD.  YOUR PLAYING SMALL DOES NOT SERVE THE WORLD.  THERE IS NOTHING ENLIGHTENING ABOUT SHRINKING SO THAT OTHER PEOPLE WON'T FEEL UNSURE AROUND YOU.  WE WERE BORN TO MAKE MANIFEST THE GLORY OF GOD THAT IS WITHIN US.  IT IS NOT JUST IN SOME OF US; IT IS IN EVERYONE.  AS WE LET OUR OWN LIGHT SHINE, WE UNCONSCIOUSLY GIVE OTHER PEOPLE PERMISSION TO DO THE SAME.  AS WE ARE LIBERATED FROM OUR OWN FEAR, OUR PRESENCE AUTOMATICALLY LIBERATES OTHERS."

                                     __________Marianne Williamson

I first heard part of this poem on a movie AKELA AND THE BEE and I had to look it up and when I read the whole thing I was inspired! I realize that no matter what circumstances we came from, no matter what circumstances we live in today can determine who we are or what we can become. It is vital that we learn to be HAPPY and to realize who we are and what our purpose is in life. Understanding who I am, where I came from and why I am here, has made all the difference in my life. I know, I never would have chosen the things that have happened to me or the trials that I have gone through but... I have to admit they sure have taught me a lot of things, gratitude, patience, service, love, humility and on and on. So today will not be a BIGGER THAN ME day, I will be happy to be alive and spending some real quality time with me, myself and I !

Saturday, September 20, 2008

"'Making mistakes...

I hope the old saying "MAKING MISTAKES SIMPLY MEANS YOU ARE LEARNING FASTER."  is really true. I went to the Doctor this week to get my test results on my blood work and to see if my Mono is gone. Let's just say, one of my numbers on the blood work was 300 and it was suppose to be 18 sooooooooooooo ....I obviously need to get more rest in order to beat this virus.

I was very discouraged but not surprised at all, I keep HITTING THE WALL several times a day.I was really upset when I told my Dr. about the walking and he asked me not to do that for a while, so that I could give my body a chance to renew itself. He said even though walking is a great form of exercise,  it is just too taxing on my body right now and that is why I have been MORE TIRED than usual.

So at the young age of 49, I begin again to try and figure out how to really listen to my body and how to balance life, motherhood and time better.I do need to get healthier and so... for the next 6 weeks I am going to put life on hold and see if I just pamper this tired little body, so I can finally beat this Mono once and for all. I guess the saying "WE NEED TO BE PATIENT AND EXPECT SOME DISCOURAGEMENT AND FAILURES ALONG THE WAY." is true too!

I am just thankful for a Dr. who knows what he is doing, a family who is more than willing to help out and friends who still love me even though... much of our friendship has been slowed down because of my health. And my own new quote has to be "LEAVE EVERYTHING FOR THE NEXT 6 WEEKS WHICH CAN BE DONE TODAY."

Life is still... really good!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I love this weather!

I have to admit that the beginning of Fall, is one of my favorite seasons. I love the cool crisp mornings and warm sunny days and almost cold nights! I have been getting stronger and stronger these last few days and my chiropractor suggested that I try walking again.

What a treat to be able to be out and about and enjoy this weather and beautiful place that we live. It is hard to put that feeling into words, if you have never had the same physical limitations or daily pain. I just am so grateful to becoming stronger and able to do more things, I expect that to only keep getting better.

I read a quote the other day that helped me keep things in perspective, that's what life is all about for me...balance and it is much harder than it looks.

It went like this...

"IT NOT YOUR POSITION IN LIFE THAT MATTERS... BUT CHOOSING TO DO WHAT MATTERS MOST IN LIFE THAT COUNTS."

By doing what matters most in life... moment by moment, you'll creating real success and happiness for yourself...and influencing others along the way.

So today, I will remember to live in each moment and be truly grateful for my health, my family, my friends and the many blessings.