This was the first time in a long time that I didn't wake up with that paralyzing fear about my cancer. I actually felt better all over, my arm wasn't quite as sore, the redness isn't as bad and so hopefully that antibiotic is doing it's job. The down side with heavy antibiotics like these is that they do a number on your stomach but I am working on that too and for now that is the LEAST of my worries.
Since the pain was much more manageable I was able to focus on something like reading today. Shirley did a lot of running around for us and I am sure that she was glad to be outside. She hasn't left my side since the day that she got here, so I was glad that she and the kids got to go do some running around. She leaves tomorrow and it sure will be tough to see her go. While they were gone I read a book, it felt good to sit out on the deck ...in the sun and read.
The book that I read was loaned to me by a dear friend and the title was THE USES OF ADVERSITY It had great advice from those who had lived through unbelievable adversities and pain and how they found a way to profit it and not let it destroy them. One of the true stories that touched me the most, was of a mother who lost one of her children in a terrible accident. After really struggling and trying to make sense out of what happen and asking a million times the same question "WHY" over and over again in her prayers. She finally bore a sweet and powerful testimony of her knowledge of God, here is what she said at her son's funeral.
"I AM CONTENT TO LET GOD BE GOD. I WILL NOT TRY TO INSTRUCT HIM ON HIS DUTIES OR ON HIS OBLIGATIONS TOWARD ME OR TOWARD ANY OF HIS CHILDREN. I KNOW HE LIVES AND LOVES US, AND THAT HE IS GOD. HE'S NOT UNMINDFUL OF US. WE DO NOT SUFFER OUT OF HIS VIEW. HE DOES NOT INFLICT PAIN UPON US, BUT HE SUSTAINS US IN OUR PAIN. I AM HIS DAUGHTER; MY SON IS ALSO HIS SON; WE BELONG TO HIM, AND WE ARE SAFE WITH HIM. I USED TO THINK WE WERE SAFE FROM GRIEF AND PAIN HERE BECAUSE OF OUR FAITH. I KNOW NOW THAT IS NOT TRUE, BUT WE ARE SAFE IN HIS LOVE. THAT IS MY WITNESS."
Wow, what a mom, what a daughter and what a lady. I need to keep reminding myself that all of the things that have happened in my life, good and bad have taught me many things. This too will teach me profound wisdom that I am sure I wouldn't have learned any other way. I know one thing for sure, I need to take better care of myself. I did the first few years after my cancer but then got caught up again in the busyness of life and began to neglect myself little by little. I now realize that I can't do that and I haven't been the best example to my kids. I try to do too much, and the sad part is that many times even when I was completely exhausted I still felt bad because I didn't do more. If I had my way I would be SUPER WOMAN; SUPER WIFE; SUPER MOM and SUPER FRIEND.
Now IF my counselor would happen to be reading ,this he would smile because he would realize that he will always have job security as long as I am alive! :) Oh well, I need to remember BABY STEPS! Thanks to all of you who have been a great example to me. I can't believe that even at the ripe old age of 49 1/2 that I am still learning so much. After my nightly walk I just looked up into the sky and realized how grateful I am to be alive, to live here in Washington, to have such a warm and beautiful home. Thankful to be married to my BEST FRIEND and to be the mother of such incredible kids, grateful to be a NANA, to have so many family and friends who love me. I felt gratitude tonight instead of fear, what a blessing! Yes, it was a good day!