Lynn's tears!

My last day at work, one of my dear students Terri Stromberg came up to me and showed me a Quilting Magazine. Actually it was April/ May 2015 Quilting Arts Magazine  
She then explained to me about the contest that she entered. It was to design or create a Breast Pocket for the Reader Challenge, all in honor of Breast Cancers Survivors.
This dear friend told me that the top pink pocket was one that she created and designed. She said in one of my classes, that I had mentioned that it was my anniversary for my Mastectomy. She then designed and created this pocket , which she called Lynn's tears! And she got her pocket chosen to be published in the magazine! How beautiful, she is one talented lady and I felt very honored that she thought of me!
She seemed to understand that there were a lot of tears involved with my battle with Cancer.
So thankful for her thoughtfulness.
Good Night dear friends1

 

7 years ago today!

Seven years ago today I was in Evergreen Hospital having a Single Mastectomy, after being diagnosed with Breast Cancer for the 2nd time. I thought it wouldn't be a big deal but ....oh was I ever wrong! I don't remember much after coming out of surgery. I do remember my sweet friend Joan stayed the night with me at the hospital! That is a lot for someone to do for a friend, because no one sleeps when you stay the night at the hospital.
I remember well the next day when they came to pick me up and take me home...I finally saw for the first time just up by my collar bone, the dark and sunken spot when my breast muscles used to be. What I was most upset about was... that no one told me that they would take tissue that high up! I couldn't figure out why they don't explain that to us that before. It was quite devastating and I couldn't figure out I was going to hide that.
I have always struggled with how I look...and this surgery made that a whole lot harder! I remember hiding for the first few weeks, I didn't want anyone to see me. I wasn't sure how I was going to go on with life. I still had to look at my surgery site, my sister in law Shirley had me do that before she left to go home. She wanted to be there with me and oh how grateful I was for that!
I don't know how you ever get prepared for something big like that? I thought I was... but I wasn't!
I still didn't know what my future consisted of either? I had yet to make decisions on my treatment, that in and of itself was scary.
Now here I am 7 years later and soooooo blessed to be in a different place, a better palce, a happy place. I have 4 more grandchildren, a new daughter in law and a new son in law. Yes, I have much to be grateful for these past 7 years and have learned so much more about life.
I am just grateful for the smallest things and try to enjoy every minute of my life!
But I couldn't have done it without the help of my Savior, who truly understood every thing that I went through. And of course the help and love of an incredible ever amazing companion, Jeff has made me feel beautiful all the way through, how could I ever repay him for that? My kids and my grandkids have been there for me the whole way too! And sooo many of you have been an incredible support to me and my family, thank you so much for that!

6 years ago today!

Six years ago today I had my mastectomy, I actually had it at 2:30 till 4:00. I still remember every moment about that day. Oh how scared I was, how worried I was on how this was going to effect my family and the rest of my life . But it really wasn't until after the surgery that the fears, discouragement and pain began to set in. It is true, that some things you just have to go through in life. There is are lessons in everything that happens to you, I truly believe that, but oh some life's experiences are tough and this was one of my toughest ones.

Now here I am 6 years later and I finally get to have good news from my last MRI, and my family is doing well.

 

And I have a job that I love and more friends that I can count, plus a family that I am so proud of and thankful for. How grateful I am for my life. I am grateful for each day of those 6 years, that I have had. Many of them taught me so many things, and I still am learning each day.

So this November 12th, I am glad to be happy to where I am, doing what I am doing and understanding just a little more about life's lessons. ( Just for the record, that is not my quilt behind me...but oh how I wished it was! )

                                                 

Happy Mother's Day / Happy Birthday!

I remember when the kids were all little, that Mother's Day seemed to be the day that I just prayed everyone would just get up, try to listen and obey... and not fight. Really that is all I really wanted! But then I realized each Mother's Day I got a lot more than that. I got a reminder of how important being a Mom is. I learned that Happiness comes in moments...not necessarily in a whole day at one time! :) I learned that each one of these kids had a piece of my heart that would be forever theirs. I realized that I could not do this job alone, how grateful I was and am for Jeff being by my side, every step of the way. How much I admire those incredible Mothers that do have to raise their kids alone...what strength!

So today on it was different going to Church on Mother's Day alone (without any kids or grandkids), it made me homesick for all of them. I was grateful that we were able to go to Amy and John's and spend the evening with them, and skype the kids or talk to them on text and emails. I love being a Mom and even though I am now a Nana, I feel like my heart just keeps getting bigger. We saw this sign on our way to Amy's ... I thought what a fun sign, and remember to BRING YO MOMMA TO CHURCH...seemed like something I would have seen back in West Virginia. I do hope when I am old that my kids were take me to church with them!

 How I wish getting everyone together was more than a yearly event!

 And last but not least...Happy Birthday Sweet Angie! I remember how nervous I was 8 years ago as I flew to Idaho to be with your Mom when she delivered you. I had never been a Nana before, and I wondered what it would feel like and if I could do a good job. But it was a piece of cake the moment they placed you in my arms. I couldn't believe that my baby, now was all grown up and had her own baby. I just couldn't hardly let anyone else hold you. I loved you from the moment your Mom told us she was pregnant. 

What fun it has been to watch you grow up, you are a lot like your Momma. You love anything to do with art, you are very organized ( sorry to say you didn't get that from me ). You were my buddy when I was going through cancer for the second time. You would always want to go to the hospital with me when I had my radiation treatments, you liked that they had strawberry shakes there in the fridge (ENSURE drinks). After my mastectomy, I was having a hard time with my body image, I remember well the day you came into my room after I had come out of the shower, I didn't know you coming in. I remember your face when you saw my scar from my mastectomy, you were only 3 1/2 years old, you said " Oh Nana, you only have one body...what are you going to do with only one body?" You had such sympathy in your voice, tears came to my eyes and I said "I really don't know!" Then I tried to get your attention on something else so that I could get my prosthetic on and get dressed. As soon as you turned around the next time you had a big smile on your face and said " Nana, now you have two bodies, can we go play with playdough?" It was that moment... that I realized I could sit around and cry all day because I only had one body, or I could get up each day, put on my prosthetic and go play with you. I realized that life was going to pass me by, and it was up to me how I wanted my life to really go. And I didn't want to miss a moment with being with you! Thank you for your amazing wisdom at such a young age. Thanks for the good girl you are, for the happy countenance you always have, and for loving me ...just the way I am! Happy Birthday dear Angie! We love you! Nana and Poppa

What a big day, I am more than beat. Better head to bed, but once again want to say Happy Mother's Day to all of the women out there who help teach and Mother all the kids in the world. They say " it takes a Village to raise a child" ...that is so true! Thanks to all of you who have played a part in my children's lives. I am eternally grateful!
Good night dear friends!

Being Prepared!

Today was a beautiful sunny/cold fall day! It was beautiful, I was able to do some errands in it and counted my blessings that I live in such a beautiful place. Tonight I had another Thrive Fresh dried Food / Emergency Preparedness Party (you can see what they sell HERE: ). I am amazed that in just a year ( since my last party ) they have added so many new items. Also, since we were in Boston during the time of Hurricane Sandy, I realized that we truly need to put our Emergency Preparedness stuff back on the priority list.
We got a lot last year, but then we have been using a lot of it (which is what you are suppose to do...rotate it ) and even use it in your every day meals. I find by buying more of it, then we aren't wasting food as much. I can't even believe we are at the place in our lifes where we waste food! For the last 30 years, it seemed like we could never keep enough food in the house with all 6 of us. But when Lauren and Lee were both at college, things started going bad in the fridge because we didn't eat it fast enough. With this Thrive Freshdried food that has helped out alot.
Well, what a wonderful day, I am so grateful to still be here and healthy and strong. I looked on the calendar and it was 4 years ago on Monday, that I had my mastectomy. I remember thinking for quite some time, that life would never go back to normal. In some ways it hasn't but in a good way, my perspective has changed. I am more grateful for everything and everyone around me! Plus, I have a busy and full life, I wondered if that would ever happen ( right after my surgery).  Being able to plan or hope for the future was a very hard thing to do for a couple of years.
So tonight I feel very blessed but a strong sense to ....do all that I can with the time I have left (which no one knows how long that is ). I want to be PRESENT and ENJOY every minute of the life I have. I want to be prepared. Yes, life is good, and for that I am grateful.
Thanks dear friends, for riding the roller coaster of emotions and feelings with me throughout these last 4 years. I couldn't have done it without you!
Good night!

"Let us be in a position so we are able to not only feed ourselves through home production and storage, but others as well"
-- Ezra Taft Benson, former U.S. Secretary of Agriculture

"By failing to prepare you are preparing to fail."
-- Ben Franklin

"It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark."
-- Howard Ruff

Mandie the III arrived today.

Today was pretty wet. We have been spoiled lately because the weather has been beautiful. Still even in the rain, I truly think this is the most beautiful place to live. I was excited to get up today ( despite the weather ) because I was going to go pick up Mandie III. For those of you who don't know about Mandie, that is the name for my prosthetic. I am not sure why I named it? Maybe because I got tired of spelling and saying the word prosthetic and decided to get a bit more personal with it, since we are going to be together EVERY DAY!
The company that I used to go to for my prostheses and fittings was in Marysville. I know that is quite a ways away, but I had heard good things about them. Since my first experience with Nordstrom wasn't good, I decided to try the new place out and I really love it ( other than how far away it was ). Still it was worth it to have someone knowledgeable and very compassionate. The only problem about the place in Marysville, is that they closed and so I started worrying where I was going to have to go next, not really knowing about other places, especially on the Eastside.
But when I went to my new PT Oncologist, she recommended Martin Medical Inc. in Bellevue. And am I ever glad she did. The lady who owns it is name Donna, and she was simply amazing to say the least. She was knowledgeable and very compassionate. I really enjoyed my experience there and encourage any of you... is in need of a place like this, to go and check out her website! I was impressed with my whole experience there! Their information is found here:

I also got a swimming prosthetic today. Now you are probably wondering why that is a big deal ? Well, for the last 3 years since my mastectomy, I haven't wanted to put on a bathing suit. How could I do that? I was so self conscience about my body. I just really felt like it was time, but I knew my regular Mandie wasn't  t made for swimming and the chlorine. So they make a special one just for that! It wasn't cheap but I thought if it helps me get some exercise in of some kind, that would be worth it. My biggest problem is what to name her? :)
Of course next I will have to look into a bathing suit that will have a pocket for my prosthetic and that won't be  cheap either, that bugs me how much all these things cost. And we have good insurance, my heart goes out to those who don't even have insurance.
I just feel grateful that I am getting more comfortable with my body. I realize that what you see...isn't who I am! Sometimes I have a problem with that, but today I took the first step in overcoming that and got the swim prosthetic. I wished it wouldn't have taken me 3 years to get to this point but... that is life. We all handle things and problems in different ways. I am grateful that at least I did arrive at this point and pray that I will have the courage to actually get in the pool soon.
Donna told me that I could use the prosthetic in with my regular bathing suit, but that it might fall out or move around if there isn't a pocket to hold it in. So I think I had better look for that next. Don't want to have to be asking the life guards to help me rescue Aqua Mandie ( don't really like that name but will have to use it for the time being )! I can see that being a headlines in the news! :)
Oh well, at least I am smiling and laughing about that now, there was a time when I didn't do that and never really thought I would. So I am making progress I guess, just Baby Steps!
Good night dear friends!

Cancer is a word, not a sentence.  ~John Diamond


My cancer scare changed my life.  I'm grateful for every new, healthy day I have. It has helped me prioritize my life.  ~Olivia Newton-John

 The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it.  ~C.C. Scott

To test, or not to test.

One thing that I forgot to mention the other day when I was talking about my annual cancer check up, was something the nurse said to me. She asked me, after going through my charts…if I had ever had the Genetic Testing that they do for women who have had breast cancer. My response was “no”. She then went on to proceed that since I had daughters, that it might be something I want to think about. I didn’t really feel like going into the whole way I feel about that test, and so I just mentioned to her that my insurance wouldn’t pay for it. Why? Because we don’t have any history of breast cancer in any of our family ( that we know about ). Since my Grandmother, Mother, Aunts didn’t and I don’t have any sisters, then insurance doesn’t think I am a likely candidate for that and so… therefore if I was going to do the testing, I would have to foot a $7000.00 bill for it. I don’t think so!
I know she was just doing her job in mentioning it, but honestly in the 11 years that I have been dealing with other survivors that I have met along  my way through cancer, I have heard some horrific stories of those who decided to do the this test. One of the first ladies was an acquaintance I made 11 years ago, she didn’t have cancer, but her family had and so she did the test. After she found out that she had that genetic gene, she went right away and had a double mastectomy and a complete hysterectomy. We later met at our one year survivor mark, and she was devasted when she went in for her yearly check up and the Doctor asked her if she had been doing her monthly self checks on her CHEST WALL! She didn’t know that she had to do that or that she could even get cancer back on her chest wall, that is why she had the mastectomy in the first place. He reminded her that cancer is an inside deal and it could come back there. Then because she had the test, next her young daughters ( in their 20’s )  decided to have the exact same  procedures, for fear that someday they might get cancer. I just hope that it gave them a sense of peace that they were looking for, if so then it was probably worth it to them.
You all know me, I truly believe that YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU! For me this isn’t what I wanted to do and even if I had $7000.00 I would not get that test, to see if I MIGHT have the genetic gene. Or I wouldn’t want my daughters to have any more FEAR than they already have. Fear can stop us from doing what we know, should be done. I know lots of women who are going down this road, and many have asked my opinion about this. I just want to say that my opinion is for me and my family only. I didn’t have a family history of it, I am not sure if I would have done it anyway because I don’t like my life ran by FEAR, and that is what it would have done for ME, I am not talking about anyone else, just me! 
I have learned from my cancer experiences, to not share my opinion with too many or even what roads I went down. I know what I did, was very unpopular, I did not follow the prescribed road. Still I did study, pray and decided on the road that was right for me and my family. Everyone’s choices and roads will be different, because we are all different. I just don’t like fear to take over my life. That is something you have to constantly work on when you are a cancer survivor. But knowledge is power and that is what everyone should have, a knowledge of their disease, a knowledge of options and  a knowledge about their bodies, we should know our bodies better than anyone else.
There are other tests that I could get each year to see if I might have cancerous cells again. I opt out of them for the same reason, the tests aren’t that accurate, and so it would only tell me if I might have cancer growing somewhere and then we would just have to watch that area to see if something develops. That would be such a burden and worry on me, it would take a quality of my life away.  So it is important for you to know what you want, what makes you happy, what scares you or builds you up. Ultimately the decision is yours  and yours alone.
So I hope this at least gives you an understanding of my decisions, but encourage all of you to make your own decisions. Good night dear friends!


“ True friends just love each other, and then support each other in their decisions”   ~ Lynn Woodard
“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.”  ~ Mark Twain

Three years and counting!

Well if I had only had cancer once, I could say 10 years and counting! But since that is not the case…I had to start the whole number, counting thing all over again. But at least I am still here to count. It was three years ago today that I was in the hospital having my mastectomy, I was so scared  and I wasn’t sure what the future would hold? Wasn’t even sure if I was going to be able to have a future, only days after the surgery… I was pretty sure that I didn’t even want a future if I had to go on living… looking and feeling  like I did.

Here I am now, I go out shopping in front of others, still doing my motivational speaking, I am working part time now and best of all….I am living again! I am so grateful that time  heals things, it truly does. But 3 years ago I wasn’t so sure if I believed that or not. I wondered how my family would handle my surgery, how Jeff could ever find me attractive again, what would my grandchildren think of me and on and on. The thoughts were things that I couldn’t for see, I was sure my life wouldn’t be the same and it hasn’t been; but not the way I thought…it has been better.

I wake up every day grateful to be alive, to still be here with family and friends. I am grateful for the hardships because they truly have given me  a much broader and sweeter view of life….what a gift!

So yes, I am three years and praying to count a whole lot more!

Thanks for your support, prayers and encouragement for me, what a big difference it made in my life! I am vey blessed!

Good night dear friends.      

Two years ago today!

I have to admit, just reading my post two years ago, still makes me a little nervous. I remember well that day, and the days that followed my mastectomy. I have survived it, and that is good. It actually took way more of an emotional toll on me that I thought it would. I really didn't think it would be that tough, but it was. The pain was bad, the shock of seeing my body cut up like that was tough and the fear of once again, trying to battle cancer ( with all the decisions that come with that ) , was much harder than I ever imagined. But I am still here and doing well. I don't the sadness about the loss of my breast, as much as I used to. And I sorta feel like normal, on most days. I won't write tonight because I felt like I should let you read again, my post from 2 years ago today. So if you or anyone you know is going through your own battle with cancer, that you can know you aren't alone. Cancer is tough, but you are tougher, don't forget that.
I am so glad that is behind me. I am so grateful that I am still here and getting more healthy each year. I am thankful to have had another year with my family and friends. Yes, time does heal things, and I am so glad it does!

November 12, 2008

Today is the day! I guess ready or not I am going in this morning for a mastectomy. Having a mastectomy is what I always thought would be the worst nightmare for any woman. But we  have studied, researched and prayed soooooo much about it and realize it is the best choice for me and my health to do this. Having two tumors really narrowed my options. No matter what road I go down next, we realized that we needed to get these cancerous tumors out.

We interviewed different doctors and have decided to go with Marion Johnson from Evergreen Hospital, she seemed very knowledgeable and what can I say ...she has got to be good, because she has the same name as my mom ! My mom has been gone now for almost 8 years and there is never a day that goes by that I don't wish that I could see her or at least talk to her. I have heard my whole life that those who have already passed away are not really that far away from us, actually closer than we think. I pray today that my mom will be close, I could use all the help I can get!

So with that decision we have all decided to WEAR PINK today and think positive. I heard the quote TRIUMPH IS JUST THE "UMPH" AFTER THE TRY!  I have a feeling that is just exactly what I am going to have to do today. I am trying not to be scared and trying not to be discouraged and will give it a little more effort and umph today and for the next few coming weeks to conquer one of the biggest challenges in my life.

Well, I need to go get ready. Once again...thanks for you love, concern and prayers. I could probably use a few extra ones just in case and if you want you can join us in ...WEARING PINK ! Love, Lynn

 

"Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in this life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences. All events are blessings given to us to learn from."                           ~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

"Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith."  ~ Margaret Shepherd

It's all connected!

What is that old song that went like this....the knee bone connected to the thigh bone, the thigh bone is connected to the hip bone...? Anyway, maybe some of you are too young to know it, but the idea is that everything is connected. I am learning this lesson more and more as I continue on with my new Physical Therapist who is also a Spine Specialist. Today she was testing the strength of my arm muscles and lower traps, she was shocked that they were almost not working at all. She then tested the soreness on the T -4 rib area and it was very sensitive. She then talked about all the scarring from my mastectomy and how that is effecting those muscles in my arms and around the ribs. She was shocked that no one told me about the side effects of cutting all those muscles and from the surgery. Of course if there is any kind of surgery, amputation, or accidents to your body...yes there will be side effects. I am frustrated ONCE AGAIN, of the lack of knowledge given to the cancer patients.
I know that the oncologist's and surgeons have done their job and when they are finished, they are finished. But we (the survivors) are the ones that have to continue to live with all the side effects of the surgeries, medications and or treatments. No one really talks much about that. Most of the information you have to find out on your own, it is NOT just told to you. And many patients are so scared and paralyzed from their diagnosis, that they just blindly do what they are told. I just get frustrated that there isn't more done to get patients to become healthy, happy survivors. There is a lot in between there that has been missed!
So once again, I am still struggling with the after effects of having had cancer and still paying $ for it too! That seems a bit much, when  you realize my surgery was almost 2 years ago! It definitely is life altering, for the Good and the Bad!

Well, it is Friday and Date Night with Jeff and so I will finish this up. The message of this post today is... that we need to listen to our bodies, know what they need and don't need! We need to also get informed about anything (such as surgery or treatments and medications) that will be done to our bodies! It is all connected, yes, they only took a breast but...they cut my muscles, my immune system has been compromised and other other areas have been damaged from the whole ordeal, not even mentioning the emotional effect it has had. Yes, from our head to our toes, it is all connected and it is vital that we know that, and be pro-active to get all the knowledge we can, to get to the healthiest place we can be! I am still on that journey frustrated but grateful to be able to at least take this journey!

"The body never lies."  ~Martha Graham

"The human body is the only machine for which there are no spare parts."  ~Hermann M. Biggs

"Trying out new ways of using your body in handling various situations breaks you free from old ways of thinking and being."  ~ Mirka Knaster

Bigger than me day again!

Today was a tough day for me. I was hurting so bad last night with my knees that I didn't get much sleep. Today with my knees and my back hurting, I wasn't worth much. So I just laid low. I did however have to do something today that I have been dreading for a couple of weeks. I scheduled my knee surgery for the end of January. I really don't want to have any more surgery, having them both done at the same time is going to make my down time longer. And then to make matters worse, Lauren ( my personal nurse ) is heading off to college. I always struggle to see my kids leave home, but I am grateful for her excitement about college and the opportunity she has to go. Plus, I have to stay focused on Brad and Krystal are coming home to do their internships so.... we won't be so lonely!

I spoke to someone this week about my cancer, it was someone that I hadn't seen in a while and we were just catching up. When I told her that I had a mastectomy, she said that she was surprised that I just didn't have both of them taken off, that is what most women do. If I had a dollar for every person that told me that...I would be rich. I have to remember not to take it personally, especially when it comes from someone that has never had cancer themselves. Then the next question is usually " Do you worry about it coming back in the other breast?" My answer is..it could come back anywhere and I just try to stay on top of the fear and let my faith sustain me. Of course some days that is easier said than done.

I really don't want to hurt any more, I realize I have to have knee surgery. Maybe we could have gotten by with Physical Therapy if I would have come in years earlier the Doctor said, but they didn't hurt that much back then. I am sorry to unload all of this on you tonight. I do however know that I need to face up the fears I have and that some days... it is ok to be a little down.

Thanks for your constant encouragement, friendship, prayers and most important for believing in me. I will try to remember to hum this song before I go to bed tonight. I have much to be grateful for. Good night dear friends.

"Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas"

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
From now on your troubles will be out of sight, yeah
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the Yuletide gay
From now on your troubles will be miles away, oh
Here we are as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore, ah
Faithful friends who are dear to us
They gather near to us once more, ooh
Through the years we all will be together and
If the fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bow, oh yeah, oh
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now, oh, oh
Faithful friends who are dear to us
They gather near to us once more, oh, oh
Through the years we all will be together and
If the fates allow, oh yeah
But 'til then we'll have to muddle through somehow, oh yeah, oh, oh
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now, ooh yeah, oh, ooh

Dreams

I well remember coming home after my mastectomy 9 months ago and wondering if I would ever dream of things again. Dreaming would involve the future, and that was so unsure for me at that time and for many of the following months. Then my scar healed and hope came back but not for long, because the radiation brought it's own brutal realities and once again I found myself not looking too far into the future.  Then after most of the side effects from that settled down, I got my new prosthetic and I was able to receive some  physical therapy and once again I started looking forward to things like...my niece's wedding, Lauren's graduation, my 50th birthday, camping trips, visits from family and friends and even the arrival of our second granddaughter! Yes, there were so many things to look forward to and what an amazing difference it makes in my day, to dream and look forward to things!

It was a wonderful summer so far and I really enjoyed each one of those events. The icing on the cake of course was when Jenny Paige ( my granddaughter ) was born. Just to be able to hold her in my arms has been something to look forward to each day. I know I have said it before but grand kids are the best!

 

Yesterday I felt like I needed to get back into Physical Therapy, I am still having pain and swelling in my chest wall and arm pit area and now my left arm is starting to have a dull ache in it when I do much of anything. I had been waiting to see if I was going to be able to get that suit that does the lymph draining for you, but I was notified yesterday that my claim was rejected. From the lady that I spoke to at Flexitouch, she said that is normal and now we should try and do an appeal. She also told me that it would probably take 6 months before anything would happen. That is a long time so I called and set up an appointment with my primary care doctor to get a referral to get more Physical Therapy.

Today I went to that appointment and he too was concerned about the lump underneath my armpit that is from lymphodemia. His concern is that it is warm which would mean there is still swelling or maybe an infection in there and that it is still painful. His other concern was for the lump or I would rather call it a bump, that has come up on my sternum area. He was puzzled by what it could be, it came up all of a sudden, it is hard... not fluid filled but it doesn't hurt. He asked me to set up an appointment for a MRI of my chest wall and then a mammogram for my right breast (same suggestion as my PT). When I made that call and started talking to the secretary for a date and time, I began to cry. It is scary to just think about going back into that arena again and looking for something that is a concern. So I went to bed last night, not dreaming very well again. I pray that it is nothing but just some changes that maybe your body makes after a major surgery?

After my appointment I came home and spent the rest of the day with Amy and Jenny. I realized then that some how I need to keep dreaming, keep looking to the future? I need to get back my confidence and trust that seemed to slip away so quickly. My appointment is not until Friday, I will pray until then that every- thing will be alright and ask for more hope. I know things happen for a reason but... some days keeping that faith and  positive attitude is hard to do.

Thank you for all of your hope and prayers, it is a great strength to me. So I will go to bed, count my blessings and remember to keep dreaming, keep believing and keep hoping! Good night dear friends!

"In dreams, we enter a world that's entirely our own."  ~Steven Kloves

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dream."
~Eleanor Roosevelt

"The work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives and the dreams shall never die." ~ Edward Kennedy

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I was so grateful that I slept well last night. I didn't stay up all night worrying, that was a blessing in and of it's self. But when the alarm went off, I felt my heart racing and the realization of my appointment was already having an effect on me. I tried to go to my HAPPY PLACE, but I am sorry to report that I didn't actually arrive there. I was going to go by myself but when Jeff said he could meet me there, I just had to take him up on his offer. I remember an earlier post that I wrote about how to prepare yourself as a cancer survivor for these type of return appointments. One of the things that was written in the article that I read was... to make sure to bring someone with you for MORAL SUPPORT, it is more important than you might think. So I was grateful when Jeff came through that door this morning.

My surgeon was very nice and as always seemed to be willing to take whatever time that was needed to answer our questions and explain things. Basically as she looked at my chest wall and the area under my arm, she said that the edema is probably from radiation effects and should go down. She also mentioned that many times after surgery things might not ever quite look the same again. Especially because of how your body handles the treatments and surgery, plus just our different body types. Some of us are much leaner than others. She suggested that I keep my weight stable and exercise each day and then hopefully we will see this go down over time.

I did however ask her about the way I should check for a reoccurrence  and explained that it is hard to know what to look and feel for, when you have always had a breast on there before. Her explanation was just to look for anything out of the normal from now on. That I should get to know what normal ( normal for now) looks and feels like and if I had a lump of anything hard like that under my skin to have it checked out. She also mentioned that if cancer returned in your skin that it would look more red and inflamed (that is what my oncologist was talking about).

She checked my nodes and said that everything felt fine. She then said that she didn't think that I needed to have a mammogram until my year mark (which is November). But that I also would or should have MRI's every year, so that they can check that chest was area out and all the nodes too. I didn't know that, no one mentioned an MRI at all.

Some times what is confusing to me as a survivor is... that each DR will tell you a different thing. She mentioned that edema is sore and painful because of the swelling. She also mentioned that there isn't any information that she knows that is written about edema in the chest wall and arm pit, even though she has seen it before.

Yes knowledge is power, but the hard part is to figure out which knowledge to trust and follow. That is hard for me to have such conflicting explanations, but I did feel that what she said made sense and that I didn't have to worry as much.

So tonight I will leave you with a few quotes that I related to today. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers, no matter what anyone says... remember that they are very needed and powerful.

I am grateful that I didn't have to stop life and once again fight cancer, I just learned some more guidelines to help me be healthier.   GUIDELINES..."Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines."  ~ Robert Schuller
Robert Schuller

Sometimes I wonder how many more storms I can handle in my life, but then I have to remember the strength that I have received during them.   STORMS..."The greater the difficulty, the more glory in surmounting it. Skillful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests."  ~ Epictetus

I need to remember that sometimes the polishing is what hurts the most.   GEMS..."The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials."  ~Chinese Proverb

I hope that each time it will get a bit easier, I am actually trying to live each day to the fullest, and I am planning and looking forward to the future. I was a bit disappointed in my self today, that I couldn't get my head around going in and checking this out. I wish I hadn't got so upset and nervous. But I have to remember that, I am doing things today that 5-6 months ago I couldn't even comprehend that I would ever be able to do again. So I will try to be more patient with myself and remember this is just part of the journey with cancer.  PATIENCE..."Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them -- every day begin the task anew."  ~Saint Francis de Sales

What will tomorrow bring?

Well, I promised my Physical Therapist that I would go back to my Surgeon and have her check out this edema in my chest wall (surgery side) and arm pit area. Her concern is that for over a month, she has been trying to decrease my edema by massage and it hasn't responded. Her other concern is that my anterior chest/inferior axilla  are very tender and painful, which is not typical of edema alone. She wants me to find out how long the effects of radiation are expected to linger and if that could possibly be the cause of my pain or is there more to look into. Also I have to ask the surgeon how to actually check my chest wall for reoccurring  lumps, (yes you read it right, even after a mastectomy, you can still have cancer return on your chest wall, remember cancer is an inside job) I think that is a bit of information many women don't know before having the surgery. Also my oncologist told me that they don't feel like the ordinary lumps that I have had in the past.

Now just writing the words  MORE TO LOOK INTO and LUMPS has made my stomach start to churn? Why? I guess it is because it is yet again the UNKNOWN. I know I need go but YUK! All scary stuff, wish I could jump in a time machine and tomorrow would already be in the past!

One survivor said this...

"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot."

And so I will go tomorrow and pray that this is just the effects of radiation and nothing more. The scars of cancer are hard to some times live with. I have to really concentrate on just thinking everything will be fine unless told otherwise. I am scared, I have to be honest about that. I don't want to even go back into that same arena again but I will, just to find out more information.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, “I'll try again tomorrow."   ~ Mary Anne Radmacher-Hershey

Thanks for all  you prayers and support, I can still use them. Good night dear friends.

Here is a photo that Lauren took of Angie near a bush, she was touching the ivy with a twig but with some talent and photo shop, she put a key in Angie's hand and a lock in the bush. Secret Garden is the look she was going for.The timeless tale of a special place where magic, hope and love grow.

"Don't get discouraged; it is often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock." ~ unknown

"The key to patience are acceptance and faith. Accept things as they are, and look realistically at the world around you. Have faith in yourself and in the direction you have chosen."   ~ Ralph Marston

Everything has a story to tell!

When I was a young girl, I remember going through my grandmother's house and asking her where she got things (such as a piece of furniture or a quilt. I loved the fact that everything had it's own story. Some times she would even say," if this old table could talk it would tell you all the funny stories that were told over dinner on it, or it would tell you how many quarts of peaches it could hold when it was canning season." "Yes, if this or that could talk, oh what a story it would "  Maybe that is why my home is decorated with antiques or like my grandmother's house. Like I said it was a safe place and one where I spent many hours at. I learned how to cook SUGARBREADANDBUTTERSUGAR there (no wonder we all had a lot of visits to the dentists) just the name of that recipe told you how bad it was for you! :) It was where I learned to crochet, sew, play checkers,bake and much much more.

Right before Jeff and I got married, my grandmother had to sell her home (that we all loved). I remember her telling Jeff and I to take anything we needed since we weren't going to start out married life with much. What a blessing that was to  us and to this day, I have kept those pieces of furniture and they now would have even more stories to tell you, since they have been in our home. Those are some great memories.

I laughed out loud this morning when I got up and got my prosthetic out to get dressed. As I took her ( I lovingly call my prosthetic... MANDY ) out of her box I said to myself. "Come on girl, we gotta get up and moving for the day, we need to make something of ourselves today". Now a prosthetic isn't something that will be passed on from generation to generation like grandmother's furniture but....oh the stories it could tell if it did!  :)

So tonight I will leave you with a photo of an old piano that we bought from a dear lady, years ago when Amy started Piano lessons. I remember when we bought it, how she had a hard time departing with it and made us promise to take care of it because of all the love that she had put into playing on it. Yes, everything has a story to tell.

I hope that we all with remember that in our every day lives, we are living out our stories each day. I hope they are stories that we will be proud of and that will inspire others to do the same. Thanks for being a sweet part of my life stories!

"The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another."  ~ James Matthew Barrie

"Live your life from your heart. Share from  your heart. And your story will touch and heal people's souls" ~ Melody Beattie

"Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story"   ~Ashleigh Brilliant

"Their story, yours and mine -it's what we all carry with us on this trip we take, and we owe it to each other to respect our stories and learn from them"

"Home is where our story begin"

Just one bodies

A couple of weeks ago when my granddaughter Angie was over, she came into my room while I was changing. As usual I just tried to give her other things to do or play with, so that I could have some privacy in getting dressed. But as a normal three year old, she is very curious and kept trying to see what my body looked like. At one point she just kept circling around me till she saw me and then she said with such a serious little voice and face "Nana, you only have one bodies" as she pointed to my chest.

I wasn't sure what I should do or say, I finally bent down and let her see my scar and then she touch it and said it again. I said yes, remember when it was an owie? Now it is all better now. We then talked for a minute about how it doesn't hurt any more ( she remembered the burn and owie that I had for months). Then as quickly as it started, she was off to look at something else in my room. I started finished getting dressed, thinking that her little mind was somewhere else, but as soon as I put on my bra, she said "Nana, now you have two bodies". She seemed to think all was well, and then she left the room.

I smiled when she left, thinking of how innocent these little children are, they see things and just want to know what it going on. I well remember months ago when I didn't even want Jeff or myself, to have to look at the incision and burn, now here I am letting my little granddaughter touch and see it and trying to explain to her that Nana is going to be alright.

As I talked to a sweet  peaceful feeling came over me and reminded me, that I am truly going to be alright. Yes, I have to go the rest of my life with just "ONE BODIES" but I am here and I am healthy and with my family and friends around me, yes... I am going to be alright!

I will let Amy tell Angie in a few years, why nana can't come to show and tell at school with her just "one bodies". :)  I am sure there will be many more questions for me. My life won't be the same necessary as others. I will forever have to straighten my shirts, (because... of only having one bodies), I will forever have to do Physical Therapy ever day (because ...of only having one bodies and no lymph nodes), I will forever have to bring Mandy (my prosthetic) with me every day ( so... I can have two bodies), but I am surviving and I am grateful for that.

I am especially grateful for a sweet little granddaughter who reminded me that I am going to be ok and to enjoy every moment that I have. Gratitude...that is what this "ONE BODIES" reminds me of each day!

I know that many of you have been on this journey with me since the beginning of my cancer, how can I ever say thanks enough for your love and support? Thank you, (just like Angie) for reminding me that I am going to be ok!

 

"A young child is, indeed, a true scientist, just one big question mark. What? Why? How? I never cease to marvel at the recurring miracle of growth, to be fascinated by the mystery and wonder of this brave enthusiasm."   ~Victoria Wagner

 

"Children are our most valuable natural resource."   ~ Herbert Hoover

 

P.S. Ok, I found this little story that seemed to fit well with my post today...enjoy!

 

A little boy got lost at the YWCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with women grabbing towels and running for cover.

The child watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter? Haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”

Make a difference

I was in the hospital for less than 24 hours for my mastectomy, it was way too fast. What this DR mentions here about her patient reaction, is truly how I felt. I didn't comprehend all that was being told to me. I was in a lot of pain, I was scared, medicated and not sure how I was even going to survive this. So if there could be given to the women, at least 2 days that would be a tremendous help. If you feel like helping this bill go through, please do.

Thanks,

Lynn Woodard

Proposed Mastectomy Law Change

(written by a surgeon);

I'll never forget the look in my patients eyes when I had to tell them they had to go home with the drains, new exercises and no breast. I remember begging the doctors to keep these women in the hospital longer, only to hear that they would, but their hands were tied by the insurance companies.

So there I sat with my patient giving them the instructions they needed to take care of themselves, knowing full well they didn't grasp half of what I was saying, because the glazed, hopeless, frightened look spoke louder than the quiet 'Thank you' they muttered.

A mastectomy is when a woman's breast is removed in order to remove cancerous breast cells/tissue. If you know anyone who has had a mastectomy, you may know that there is a lot of discomfort and pain afterwards. Insurance companies are trying to make mastectomies an outpatient procedure. Let's give women the chance to recover properly in the hospital for 2 days after surgery.

This Mastectomy Bill is in Congress now. It takes 2 seconds to do this and is very important. The Breast Cancer Hospitalization Bill is important legislation for all women.

If there was ever a time when our voices and choices should be heard, this is one of those times.

There's a bill called the Breast Cancer Patient Protection Act which will require insurance companies to cover a minimum 48-hour hospital stay for patients undergoing a mastectomy. It's about eliminating the 'drive-through mastectomy' where women are forced to go home just a few hours after surgery, against the wishes of their doctor, still groggy from anesthesia and sometimes with drainage tubes still attached.

Lifetime Television has put this bill on their web page with a petition drive to show your support.. Last year over half the House signed on. PLEASE! Sign the petition by clicking on the web site below. You need not give more than your name and zip code number.

http://www.mylifetime.com/community/my-lifetime-commitment/breast-cancer/petition/breast-cancer-petition

This only takes a few seconds. Thank you!

Rough day!

I went in for my Physical Therapy at 9:00 this morning. For some reason the swelling has gotten worse. I am not sure why? I didn't lift anything the last couple of days so I am not sure why it is hurting this much. My Physical Therapist was as puzzled as I was. She is going to talk to the oncologist tomorrow and see if he knows why the swelling keeps coming back, so we have an appointment on Friday. She also is looking into getting a compression sleeve that also has a compression piece for the chest wall. The down fall is that it will have to be done once a day for an hour or so. I just smiled when she said that,because I already have a couple hours worth of stuff that I am suppose to be doing to help this poor old body every day, why not an another thing to do on! :) Pretty soon as soon as I get up and do all the exercises, massages and etc, then it will be time to do the ones that I need to help me go to sleep. I have got to try to have more of an exciting life. I know all of you envy me but...DON'T !

In all seriousness, I am sure things will work out. I was able to go to some of Lee's baseball game today and it was sunny outside too, that was a double blessing. I can't forget to count all of them. I found a quote today that went right along with my baseball theme. "PROGRESS ALWAYS INVOLVES RISKS. YOU CAN'T STEAL SECOND BASE AND KEEP YOUR FOOT ON FIRST" ~ Frederick Wilex

So I need to remember that... compared to 9 months ago, I have made great progress. I can go out in public and not feel so self conscious about my looks, I can enjoy some normal thoughts with out every one being bombarded with a new fear. I am starting to dream...just a little bit...but I am dreaming again. I am being able to serve a bit more and that feels wonderful. I am growing in ways that I am sure I never would, had I not experienced this trial. It has been worth the risk to make it to second base (beating cancer for a second time). I will keep trying, keep believing that life will get better and most importantly...trust in the Lord and in His timing and in His plans for me. Patience, not an easy virtue!

Thanks for being my cheering section, it means more than you will ever know! Good night!

"Things could be worse. Suppose your errors were counted and published every day, like those of a baseball player." ~Author Unknown