Getting used to the dark!

When I was a young girl, I worked in a pre-school for Handicapped Children. We would have to do home visits often, to see if there were things that could be changed in their homes, to help the children's progress. It was heartbreaking to go into those apartments or trailers, the situation these kids lived in...were often of abuse and neglect. Sometimes we had to get CPS involved, and they tried to get the kids out of these homes and away from their abusers.Each time the child didn't want to leave. I wondered why they wouldn't want to get out of these situations and once CPS worker said "it is familiar to them, this is all they have ever known, leaving the situation seems worse because it is the unknown". Heartbreaking is the only way to explain it.

When I read this survivor's story from the Chainbreakers Foundation, I wanted to share it. I remember well, getting used to the dark (as a child of incest). It isn't until you get out of that situation, into the light ...that you realize how bad your situation and perception was. This story is to ...once again help all of us to surround ourselves by light, and also to bring that light to anyone around us who is still suffering in the dark! (If you need information on how to help a friend or loved one, please go to this web site below...)

A Dark Room

http://www.chainbreakerfoundation.com/

The light switch goes off. It’s dark. I can hardly make out shapes and objects. All I have to do is wait. Sit frozen and wait until I can start to see again. Just a small wait in the dark and things start to become a little more clear, a little more comfortable. There is my nightstand; there are the piles of clothes on the floor. Why did I leave my closet door open again?

After a while I can see so “well,” I hardly notice that it is dark. My eyes have adjusted. I can freely and contently move about the room; things appear normal. I can see so clearly again. There is almost no notice to the darkness that has taken over the room.

My mind jumps to all those comments. Comments that enrage me; “Tamara, your room is a mess. Come out into the light.”

The light? What are they talking about? I can see just fine. My eyes are adjusted to the dark. Things are clear to me. Things make sense in the dark. I have learned how to get from one place to the next without tripping. Dark is normal for me.

It happens. Someday cracks the door open. That small amount of light allows me to see the things that I couldn’t see in the dark. There are my headphones I have been looking for, what is a bag of crackers doing on the floor?

I then become lucky. Winning a million dollar lottery lucky.

That same door that kept people out for so long, comes down. The hinges ripped out from the wall socket. The door is destroyed. Not only is the light pouring in, the blinds are then opened and I am introduced to sunshine. Sunshine?? Sunshine??? I have been longing for sunshine.

It is at this moment I see the room I have been sitting in for 10 years. This room is chaos. Things are turned upside down, broken, nothing has a place. How can I let my children live like this? Broken glass is all around me. How could I possibly be sitting in this place for so long and not have noticed? I feel stupid, embarrassed.

. . .

I crave light. I crave sunshine. It’s been so long. I finally have realized how to answer the question, “If things were that bad, why did you stick around for so long?” The truth; I had no idea I had been sitting in a dark room for 10 years. I got lucky. I got lucky that somebody pushed down that door and allowed me see the light. I love you Deneka Strom!!   You forever will be my angel!   ~ Tamara Chamberlain

 

"We cannot liberate victims; we can only educate them.
  They must liberate themselves."

The Road less traveled

In 1974 when I was 15 years old , I painted this picture. I first did it on a small canvas and then my teacher and I got so excited about it, that we decided to make it the year end project, which we all had to do. I asked my dad to help me build a canvas approximately 4ft x 4ft. It was a big undertaking but I remember being excited about it, and for a change my dad and I spent some time together.

This photo was proudly displayed in our rec room, ok maybe it was more like a storage /ping pong room, but still it was hung in our home. My mom was nice about things like that, she had a few pieces that were created by her kids. Mine of course was the largest...so... maybe I was the favorite....no, we were all mom's favorite!

Anyway as we got older the jokes started coming out about my painting. Now remember I was only 15 and I still think, for a 15 year old (who never had a lesson) it wasn't that bad. The joke was mostly about the road that lead no where. After my parents died and my brothers were cleaning out our old farm house, I received this one day. The big moving truck came out and brought my HOPE CHEST (which was one of my real treasures from my childhood) and then they brought out this painting. I don't even want to know how much they paid to have it sent to me from West Virginia. What was I suppose to do with it? It was a nice jester, I think my brother thought it meant a lot to me so ..... here it is sitting in my garage, I tried to sell it but haven't had any luck so far.

Now my own family has carried on the jokes about the painting of the road that leads to no where. I personally think it would be a wonderful gift for someone that is into the 70"s look. Actually my son Brad and his wife are... but when I asked him about it, he said something like "well, we aren't THAT into the 70's mom!" :)

My entry tonight is not to debate whether this picture is worth something or not, but actually to let you know what I was thinking when I painted it. I was 15 at the time, still living with at home on the same property as my grandmother and grandfather. I had been abused by my grandfather since I was 5 years old, home was not a safe place for me. Quite the opposite, I was always looking over my shoulder, wondering if I heard the door open, watching out the window to see where my grandfather was or was not.

Every child that comes from an abusive past has to deal with it some how. My survival technique was my art work. I had always loved drawing and creating since I was a little girl but now in Junior High, I had a teacher that I liked and someone else who was passionate about art too. I loved painting, what a fun way to escape to another world, a world that I completely created myself. When I started this painting, I thought it would be neat to go down a road different from others, start anew as they say. I wanted something different than what I was experiencing in my life. I wanted to have a family that was different, a home that was safe, and all I knew is that I would probably have to go down a different road and probably would have to go down it alone. We had a big apple tree on our property and there was a little dirt road beside it, that is where I got the idea from...something I looked at every day.

Abuse changes how you view the world, I wanted something different and better and even though it sounds corny, when I look at my painting it is bitter/sweet. I see something that reminds me of my past and all the junk that came with it, but I also see a chance for change and that is exactly what I had to do...go down a different road and much of that I had to do alone.

Today I spoke with one of the ladies who runs the foundation for abused victims called Chainbreaker ( I love the name! ). I had heard her speak last year and was impressed with her willingness to help others. Joan started the educational classes while she was working as a volunteer for the police department. I sure could have used someone like her when I was young. She asked if I would be willing to come and speak sometime to the people who come to their foundation for help and support. I won't be able to do it this time when I am in Utah, but it is for sure something that I would love to do soon. Here's their information...

Purpose www.chainbreakerfoundation.com

The ChainBreaker Foundation assists adult victims of all types of abuse–physical, sexual, spiritual, emotional, and verbal. Our purpose is to provide education, guidance, and support.

Ok, ok back to my point. I think I should call this painting THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED vs THE ROAD THAT GOES NO WHERE, I am not sure if that having a different name will help it sell any better or not? But it does stand as a great reminder to me, that I did take the road less traveled and my life has been much happier, safer and successful because of it. So go ahead, don't always follow the crowd. Take a look at the road you are on and see where it is leading you? You might have to take a different road, one less traveled but...that's ok sometimes.

"I TOOK THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED BY, AND THAT HAS MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE." ~ Robert Frost

"YOU CAN'T PREDICT, YOU CAN PREPARE. EXPERIENCE THE POWER OF MAKING DECISIONS BASED ON SECURITY INSTEAD OF WORRY, READINESS INSTEAD OF RELUCTANCE, ABUNDANCE INSTEAD OF LACK." ~ Kathy Gates

You can't predict, you can prepare. Experience the power of making decisions based on security instead of worry, readiness instead of reluctance, abundance instead of lack.
Kathy Gates

Abuse is wrong, if you are in an abusive situation, please tell someone...get help! Foundations like these can be life savers! www.chainbreakerfoundation.com