Friday, November 14, 2008

I am home again

I never do too well on the medicine  that they give me in the hospital. It makes me very queasy and light headed, that is why I am so grateful that one of my dear friends stayed with me last night in the hospital. Sleeping and hospitals don't actually go together because of all the checking in on you and taking your vitals every 4 hours. But I was grateful to know that someone was there when I needed something . I was sore but when the nausea finally left around 3:00 a.m. then I felt a bit more like myself.

The women that helped take care of me from the first procedure to the last, were amazing and some how I felt like it was meant to be ...that our paths crossed. Jeff teased me today and said "HOW MANY BEST FRIENDS HAVE YOU MADE, SINCE YOU HAVE BEEN HERE?" I did feel well taken care of but was shocked to meet so many women who were in there for cancer and to hear their stories. We all instantly connected and wished each other luck, it was sad, touching and humbling to say the least.

My spirits were high until I got ready to leave the hospital and first took a look at myself in the mirror, what a shock. My whole chest is wrapped with ace bandages so I actually couldn't see the effects of the surgery but my body still looks deformed already. I couldn't help but cry when I looked again in the mirror. How could this really be happening to me and how will I ever feel normal and good about myself again? I know there are many women who have gone through this and worse, but for today I am just talking about me. How can such a routine surgery now days, leave someone feeling so ugly, empty, sad and doubtful?

I am sorry to be so honest, but I know I need to keep writing  these thoughts to make sure that I just keep feeling things. Today every time the phone rang or there was a knock on the door, I kept saying"I just can't talk to any one right now and I don't want any one to see me like this." My sweet family act like I look just the same but wow that must be hard for all of them too. Jeff just keeps holding me and reminding me that these feelings are all normal and that we will all get through this together, but I can't even imagine that right now. Dear Shirley, my sister-in-law who has been with me through this all, has been a real trooper helping me get dressed, emptying my drains and trying to make sure I rest and get all the supplements I am suppose to take.

I wish I felt better and had a more uplifting entry today but this was my day and personally I am glad that it is over and pray that tomorrow will be a bit brighter.

I have received  many cards, beautiful flowers, books and gifts... all of which remind me of how many dear friends I have and how much I am loved. Thank you for that.. Here is a quote that someone gave me in a book today.


I know many of you are praying for me and have faith in me and some how I pray too that there will be little miracles that happen each day to help me get through this experience.

Good night!


Julie N. said...

You are a beautiful daughter of our Heavenly Father. I can only imagine all of the thoughts and emotions you are feeling. You are right - make sure you keep writing. This too will take time. Rest, let others help, and remember that we all love you and we will listen.
love always, Julie

*b said...

I am so glad you are home now and feeling past the nausea.
I can't wait til I feel like we aren't in the sick house long enough to come visit.
So glad you have everyone around you to help you.

Miss you and love you,


Jennifer said...

Sending many prayers your way :) Wish there was more I could do...