Saturday, November 22, 2008

Change...not as easy as it looks

It has been a couple of days since I have written, couldn't really think of anything exciting enough to write. Yesterday was a painful day in a couple of ways, I saw a few of my friends (for the first time) and I got up and dressed in normal clothes (which was a painful mistake). I guess I am not quite up to anything other than SOFT sweat suits. It didn't take anything to make me exhausted and I think it is hard to feel real positive when you aren't feeling too well. Everyone told me how good I looked and I was glad that I was up and dressed, but even though what they say was the normal looking Lynn, there is nothing NORMAL about how I feel right now.

I had a great friend tell me that when she came to my home that it felt different than it normally does. She said " it felt like you weren't home ...but you were." She didn't hear any Christmas music (which I play all year long), she didn't hear any laughter and the kids weren't  even smiling. I guess she is right, we have had many dear friends come by with dinners for us each night (which has been an incredible blessing) and when they come I am never around, I slip downstairs and hope that I won't have to talk to anyone. I think Lauren said it best today when we were talking about this very subject and she said "Mom, this isn't normal for you, you love to decorate your home, you love to talk on the phone and you love to be around everybody, this just isn't you.!

And so, I have my work cut out for me, I am trying so hard to get up and keep moving each day but honestly I don't feel like doing anything. I know that I am not alone but I sure feel like it. I know people think I look good and normal but there is nothing inside that feels like either of those are true. I am the mom and I know that my attitude and spirit affect my home, I am trying to get back to some of the normal things I do, it is just taking me a bit longer than I thought it would.  I believe in the saying "WE CANNOT BECOME WHAT WE NEED TO BE BY REMAINING WHAT WE ARE.   -----Max De Pree  So, I do know that something has got to change.

I know there are a lot of resources out there for me to contact, many support groups and even other women who have gone through it and even that is not what I feel ready to do right now. They sent me home with many pamphlets about cancer, mastectomies and on and on but...I really don't even want to read them yet. You see I fought Cancer once and although I learned many great lessons from that I really don't want to spend any more of my life studying about it and fighting it. I don't want to belong to any support group or survivors club. I don't want to go my whole life with this body, I don't want to do this any more. I am sorry that this is so honest, I am usually a really upbeat and positive lady. I am sure that I will get there but for now, I guess this is just one of those BIGGER THAN ME days.  Thanks for keeping in touch and believing that I can make it through this.


Julie N. said...

You can get through this...just be patient with yourself. Remember when you used to say to me "keep swimmin" :-) I wish I was there and I'd help you put up your decorations. Love you, Julie

Lara said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers.