Tuesday, November 18, 2008

What am I to learn?

Well, it is 3:30am and here I sit wide awake. The pain under my arm is getting so sore that it wakes me up some times. I received a little pillow from my surgeon's office with a lot of booklets and pamphlets a week before my surgery, along with that there was a little pillow in there. I looked at it and wondered what it was for and just put it back in the bag. The other day my arm was getting so sore that I was trying to find something to stick in my shirt so that my arm wouldn't have to touch my side and then... I finally realized what that little pillow was for and how grateful I was for the volunteer who made it!

Sunday was a tough day physically for me, I didn't even bother to shower until almost 3:00 and then I decided to just leave my FACE in the bag (make-up bag). Shirley and I talked a lot, how grateful I have been that she came to be with me right now, I really don't know how I would have done it without her. She will be leaving on Thursday and already that is making me sad. Not because she takes complete care of EVERYTHING in our home and the kids but because she is truly my sister and we have been through so much together.

Sunday evening when the sun went down I ventured outside to take a short stroll, it turned way shorted than I planned because it was so cold outside and I knew I didn't need to catch a chill. (that sounded like something my grandmother would have said)  I sorta felt like BEAST in that movie BEAUTY and the BEAST, he only went out at night. I just don't want people to be shocked when they first see me but then I have to remember ... if I have all my gear on, you probably wouldn't even notice a difference at all...but nevertheless I DO!

Yesterday I did about the same thing...nothing! I know that is what I am suppose to do but even with doing nothing, I felt bad. I am trying to keep my mind at least working some but that sometimes is more than I can do. I am tired of being sick, tired of hurting, tired of wondering what the future will bring. I thought came to my mind when I woke up from my surgery ... I THINK I COULD MAKE IT FROM THIS POINT ON, IF THIS WAS IT .IF ALL I HAVE TO DO IS SURVIVE THIS MASTECTOMY AND THEN I WILL BE COMPLETLY DONE WITH CANCER IN MY LIFE!  But it is the reality that keeps hitting me the face. I have only begun this journey of fighting cancer again, I have to some how accept this wounded body that I now have, I have to regain my mobility and strength, I have to go to more and more doctor appointments to get even more information on this horrible disease and then... I have to study, fast and pray about what my next move will be. Then I still have to DO IT!  Whatever it will be?

I have always said to other women that I counsel with Cancer, that one of the hardest things is to really ENJOY LIFE!  Cancer seems to try and rob you of that, if you aren't careful ...every cough, ache or pain is a constant question IF Cancer might be returning. It is a terrible place to go in your mind and once again the battle begins with controlling your thoughts.

I need to go back to bed, rearrange my 8 pillows that I have in there and try and get some sleep. I am constantly reminded at how blessed I am to have such an incredible husband (who hardly can even find any room to sleep in the bed). He has been my rock as always, I apologized to him the other night for having to be married to a wife who has been sick so much of their life. His reply ..."Lynn, you have been worth it, you are more beautiful now than the day I married you". We have been married 26 years and have definitely had our struggles but looking back on most of them, it was me who was really struggling. I didn't know exactly who I was and it took me forever to learn to really LOVE myself. I always thought ...why does it take us so long to figure life out?  Many of you are probably are ahead of me on that question, but I need to remember we are suppose to have JOY IN THE JOURNEY, it is not the destination that is where the only Joy is but in the journey and the million of things that you learn along the way.

I hope soon that I can find some JOY in all of this, for now though I am struggling,tired, hurting and a bit scared of what the future will bring, I just pray daily that I WILL BE MADE EQUALTO THE TASK! Thanks for your continued love,thoughts and prayers.

Good night or good morning!

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