Nightmares!

One of the side effects of having cancer is the fear that comes with it. There are days and even weeks and months that I am not really effected by it. But then something will trigger those Bigger Than Me Days of fear, and those are tough days. I had one ( ok, maybe 2 or 3  ) of those a month ago when I was feeling so tired and weak. The fatigue was terrible and my mind went to a bad place. I tried to write about it because I think that it is very important to let other survivors know, what is normal or at least happens to other survivors. It took me over a week to really get out of that bad place. The What Ifs came too, and so it took a lot of work and effort to change where I was.

Finally I did and have been grateful ever since that I don't feel like running and looking over my shoulder all the time, wondering when or if cancer is going to return. But I had a bit of a relapse the other night. I have been having some swelling in my arm from not having many lymph nodes after my surgery. Some times if the swelling gets bad, my arm aches and lately that seems to be happening a lot. When I went to bed that night, I woke up a few times in the middle in a bad dream. Each time I woke up, I could feel my arm just throbbing and then I would go back to sleep and be right back in the same dream. The dream was, my arm was aching and so we went to the DR. and he said that I had Stage 4 bone cancer, I was devastated, then I would wake up and realize it was only a dream ( nightmare to be a matter of fact ) and how grateful I was that it was only that. Finally I decided to get up because I did not want to go back into that dream again.

So sometimes even when you think your head is in the right place, your sub-conscience brings those fears back to you. Yes, the side effects of cancer can be scary but manageable IF you work at it each day! With that said, I am tired... my arm is still aching and now I am wondering if I really want to go to bed tonight or not? Guess I will anyway, good night dear friends!

P.S. Maybe what I should do, is go get one of my RECNAC MONSTERS, they really do help!

"Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing."

"There is much in the world to make us afraid.  There is much more in our faith to make us unafraid."  ~Frederick W. Cropp

"There are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them."  ~Andre Gide

Nightmares verses Dreams

It has been nice, for the last 4 weeks I have finally gotten something in me, to help me sleep. It is not addictive, and I finally think that I can wean off it soon. I was so sleep deprived, I wondered if I would ever get out of that STAYING AT THE CEILING stage? It took quite some time to get the right thing that would work for me. One or two of the things I tried, did nothing and then again, some of them really threw me for a loop and I could hardly function for a whole day. I hated experimenting with them but I was desperate. I just do not like the feeling of having medicine in me. I would rather do anything else first, then has to be a last resort. After not sleeping for days...it became just that.

I have noticed that I still dream, but much of the time, it feels like a really deep sleep. Haven't really had much of that ( DEEP SLEEP ), for most of my life. So I am counting my blessing with each night, I get it.
I didn't like to sleep as a kid, I always felt like I needed to stay awake and alert. I have since learned, that is pretty normal reactions for a survivor of abuse. Going to sleep makes you vulnerable,and that is certainly something that don't want to be any more. I also struggled going to sleep because of my Nightmares, I used to have a lot of them. They were so bad for many years, that it was a real struggle for me to even want to go to bed. But a Nightmare is rare now and usually only happens, after I have done some counseling with a victim or if someone asks me details about my past. So I will take Dreams over Nightmares... any day.

I could have used one of my own ONCE UPON A TIME MONSTERS back then. Each Monster we created... is named and has this story below to go with it. If I am sending them to someone fighting with Cancer, then I send the other story with the monster. We have about 11 different monsters so far, they really grow on  you, you know?  Need to go and get some of the D-E-E-P S-L-E-E-P !!!!!

Once upon a time there was a monster under my bed.
So I shivered and screamed and pulled the covers over my head.
All of a sudden, that monster came out--and do you know what he said?
"can I be your friend and sleep with you instead?"
Congratulations! You've just adopted a ONCE UPON A TIME MONSTER!
Now you'll always have a friend to help you be brave and you'll never be alone again!

OR...

Cancer can be scary and I know you are afraid.
Just cuddle up with me and try your best to be brave.
If it helps to ease your worry, go ahead and change the name.
Turn cancer into recnac and see if you feel the same.
Make me your recnac monster; look at my silly face.
I hope I make you smile as you take me from place to place.

"Courage can't see around corners, but goes around them anyway."  ~Mignon McLaughlin,

"I have had dreams, and I have had nightmares. I overcame the nightmares because of my dreams"

"An optimist expects his dreams to come true; a pessimist expects his nightmares to"  ~ Dr. Laurence J. Peter