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There are many things in life that happen to others, and if we haven’t had the same experiences we don’t really know what to say or do. As I have looked through articles ( one by Summer Thorp ) about this very thing, there were some comforting words to remind me… that I can’t change the situation for them and I can’t heal their broken hearts but I can do something! The list that was in one of these articles helped me out some, and I hope they will help you too if you have a friend in need.
Here’s what we CAN do…
Respect Others’ Privacy…not everyone is comfortable sharing when they are hurting so bad. Some people don’t want others opinions at that time. Some don’t know how to handle this in their life, and may not feel like sharing it with others. We need to respect that.
Don’t Minimize the Loss…when I had cancer, someone said to me right before my mastectomy “at least you are only losing one breast”. Some how… I didn’t feel better and that comment hurt, even though I know it wasn’t meant to. When bad things happen, we will feel sorrow, pain and our heart will really hurt. But grieving is an important part of healing. If you have never been there, then don’t try to say something great, just remind them that they are loved and you are there, if and when they need you.
Recognize That Both Parents Experience Loss… When problems happen as a couple, we may tend to just try and comfort the Wife and Mother, yet the Father is hurting just as bad. Remember to be considerate and compassionate to him also. If he ever needed a friend… now might just be the time.
Ask How You Can Help… Many times, when you are going through a tough time, it is hard to know what to tell others they can do to help. But if they know you are really there, night or day…I think that helps and continue to offer some help. One day they just might take you up on it.
Support in Simple Ways… Some times it is the little things that are the hardest to accomplish when you are struggling or hurting so bad. Cooking, cleaning, doing little errands like grocery shopping might seem like a huge task at the time. I don’t think it hurts to do some of these simple things to help out. Just leaving a dinner by the door, not going in to talk, because some times retelling the story makes you feel like you just keep opening the wound. So maybe a meal, a note in the mail…just some reminder to them that they are loved and thought of. Plus, remember them in your prayers. Prayer is a very powerful too in calling down the powers of Heaven to help. Never under estimate the power of prayer!
Last but certainly not the least, is to remember the Savior’s Example… The scriptures are full of examples of how the Savior took care of those who were hurting. He knew when to mourn with someone, and He knew when to help. After Lazarus’s death, Christ traveled to Bethany to be with Martha and Mary. To Martha He offered His testimony of life after death and asked her to reaffirm her testimony. When Mary expressed her grief over the loss of her brother, the scriptures simply state, “Jesus wept” (John 11:35).
The simplest acts can mean the most to your loved ones who are suffering. Let us be more like the Savior and help ease their pain.
“To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
One day, shortly before Christmas, our third child and first son, Bay, was born. As I said good-bye that evening to my exhausted but joyful wife and left the hospital, the warmth and joy that accompanied the birth of my son overwhelmed the cold chill of that clear December night.
The following December we celebrated the first birthday of our dark-eyed, dark-haired son. The day after Christmas, during an evening of games at the home of my in-laws, our revelry was interrupted by an awful shriek from my mother-in-law: “He’s not breathing!” She had gone to check on Bay, who had been sleeping on her bed, and discovered his cold, lifeless body. We immediately rushed our son to the hospital, attempting CPR on the way. We were grief-stricken to learn that nothing could be done to save his life. He had died from sudden infant death syndrome.
Since then, Christmas has been filled with a much deeper meaning for our family. Each year on Christmas Eve when we take down our other children’s stockings to fill them, one solitary stocking is left on the fireplace mantle. Throughout the remainder of the holiday the stocking serves as a reminder of Bay.
Each year, around the time of Bay’s birthday, my wife and I drive to the cemetery where he is buried. At each visit we find that someone else has arrived before us and placed something on our son’s grave: one year it was delicate, small flowers; the next year, a stuffed bear; the next, a little Christmas tree decorated with miniature ornaments. We have no idea who is responsible; the gifts, which touch us deeply, are never accompanied by a note or card.
When I hinted to my mother-in-law that I knew her secret, she denied responsibility. The following year while she and my father-in-law were serving a Church mission abroad, we again found that someone had placed a gift on our son’s grave. Even after inquiring with other family members and friends, we were unable to solve the mystery.
Ten years after our son’s death, a series of snowstorms prevented us from traveling short distances. As a result, our annual visit to our son’s grave site was delayed until several days after Christmas. When we finally made it, we saw a small, decorated Christmas tree, mostly buried in the snow, standing bravely at the head of Bay’s small grave. The effort it must have taken for someone to get to the cemetery through the heavy snowfall overwhelmed us. Tears streamed down our faces as we realized that someone still shared our grief and loss.
After that, we were more resolved than ever to discover the identity of our benefactor and thank him or her for showing us such compassion. But as we reflected more, we realized that whoever was doing these acts of kindness did not want to be identified. We decided to allow our friend to remain anonymous. We replaced our need to thank our friend with a desire to simply live better.
It is now harder for us to speak ill of or criticize any of our friends or family members, because any one of them may be our anonymous friend.
Often while doing service, my wife and I pause to examine our hearts: are we doing good things to be seen by others or for the pure love of Christ and of our fellowmen?
For us, charity—humble and never seeking its own—is symbolized by a beautifully decorated Christmas tree, half-buried in snow, resting in a quiet cemetery. ~By Darrell Smart Ensign, Dec. 2008
“Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.” ~William James
“Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little.” ~Edmund Burke
I have a dear friend who just lost his mother recently. He and his wife were able to get there before she passed away but they weren’t really able to talk to her and have her respond back. As I spoke to my friend, she mentioned how hard this was on her husband. As soon as she said that, my mind raced back 11 years ago and I saw myself and my brothers sitting by my Mom’s hospital bed…trying to figure out how to say good bye to her. How do you live with out a Mom or a Dad? It is much harder than it looks. I searched my heart for the right things to say, I didn’t want her to go but could hardly stand to watch her suffer much longer either.
In our case, Mom didn’t die in that hospital room 11 years ago, she actually got better, graduated from Hospice ( which is almost unheard of ) and went home. Yet it was only a few weeks before she turned again for the worse, by Thanksgiving time she had slipped into a Coma and the first week of December (with me at her side once again), I watched her take her last breath. It was still one of the hardest things I have ever done. I knew she was done with life and all the trials and experiences that she had gone through but still…who was going to be the Grandma to my kids? Who was going to help me when I was stuck in life? Yes, it was a bit overwhelming and sad. I have mentioned this before but… I was most upset that everyone in the world just kept going on with life. I had just lost my Mother, it was the beginning of the Christmas season and everyone was happy and busy around me. It seemed like no one really cared that I just lost my Mother. I know that wasn’t really true, but it seems when life gives you really big things to handle, loss of a job, loss of a loved one, cancer, severe illnesses that your whole world stops and that is all you can think about… and yet everyone else’s life is still going on! I know the whole world isn’t going to stop, but for some reason you sorta want it to…just for a sign of respect for my Mom or whatever the situation is. Yes, life is hard. I pray that my friend’s heart will be ok and that he and his family will be able to have some peace soon.
Saying good bye has always been a hard thing for me, even when it is just my kids or nieces and nephews leaving after a visit… or a dear friend moving. I always cry my heart out. So saying Good Bye to a Mother or anyone at the brink of death is… a really hard thing on your heart.
Tonight, think about your friends and loved ones who might be going through some really hard times, and remember to say a prayer for them. Because prayers really do make a difference, I know that from personal experience!
Good night dear friends! Thanks for always being there for me and my family.
“To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.” ~Thomas Campbell,
Today I was able to attend a dear friend of mine's Bridal Shower. She is more like one of my kids actually, we knew her back in High School when she was over at our house a lot, she was friend's with our son. She is a real sweetheart, and it was a treat to be able to celebrate with her. I was able to also see her grandmother, sister and nieces again at the shower.
Her mother passed away this past year from battling Cancer. She was a two time survivor like myself. As I drove home from the Bridal Shower, I couldn't help wishing that I could pick up the phone and call her Mom (Diane) ...on the other side.
Diane was a wonderful friend, wife, mother and example to me and many others. To say good-bye to her was hard, and I know that her family is still missing her terribly.
I really wanted to tell Diane how sweet her little granddaughter is...she was born just a few days after she passed away. They actually named her after her grandmother. I wanted to tell her how big her oldest granddaughter is, and what a great Big Sister she has become, she is almost 4 now. I would have let her know that her Mom is still struggling with her loss. She says it is still hard to go a day without crying. I am not sure any one knows how to handle the loss of a child, in her case this was her second child that has passed away.
I would have told Diane what a great family that her daughter is marrying into, and how they will always be there for her. I would tell her that still many of her friends are there to rally and support her daughters, and husband. I would tell her how brave and amazing they are. I would also tell her that a hole is still left in our hearts from her passing. I would thank her again for her incredible example to all of us.
Yes, there was a lot of love in the air today for her daughter and I think that my dear friend could feel it, I know I could.
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"The past is behind us, love is in front and all around us." ~Terri Guillemets
"When you look at your life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses." ~ Joyce Brothers
"Her children arise up, and call her blessed." ~ Proverbs 31:28
One of my favorite authors is Jason Wright. He wrote the Christmas Jar, that is the first book of his that I read. I have talked about his books before, but one of the reason I like his books is ...because they make me think and examine my life more. I always feel uplifted after reading his works, that is saying a lot ...because not all books make you feel that way. One of his new books that I haven't read is The Cross Gardener. Here is his own summary of that book. I need to read it!
The Cross Gardener is the story of John, a man tested with a series of enormous heartbreaks. But the most dramatic and traumatic moment of John's life may be the one he finally cannot bear. Facing sudden loss, John is swallowed up in sorrow and self-pity.
Following in the tradition of many in the South, John erects two white wooden crosses at the accident site that forever changed his world. John chooses to grieve by visiting the crosses frequently, talking to his loved ones and reminiscing about a future that — like a misplaced roll of old black-and-white film — will never develop.
One day while visiting this roadside memorial, John meets a stranger who introduces himself as the Cross Gardener, a nickname given him by others because of his curiosity for these makeshift memorials and because his hobby is tending them.
The stranger explains that when crosses need painting, he is there. When weeds need pulling, he is there. When mourners need comfort, he is there with a willing ear and a lesson or two about life and death. But he is not who you think he is.
http://www.jasonfwright.com/column/do-you-believe-there-are-angels-among-us.html
He also has a weekly article that he writes and this is where I got this summary. He is quiet a talented writer, I could only hope to inspire people like that some day. If you get a chance, check out one of his books and see if you feel the same!
Good Night dear friends!
"To live in hearts we leave behind Is not to die." ~Thomas Campbell
"For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity." ~William Penn
"While we are mourning the loss of our friend, others are rejoicing to meet him behind the veil." ~John Taylor
Memorial Quilts
So what did you do with their clothes?
Well, you probably gave the nicest garments to friends and family, and that's a good thing. But what about the rest of their clothing? It will help de-clutter your life and lighten your grief a little bit if you eventually clean out your loved one's closet, and dispose of their clothes, shoes, ties or purses and other personal items.
And we know exactly what you should do with some of the fabrics... make one of these memorial quilts! (Or have one made for you).
Remembering Bobby
One family who lost their 16-year-old son Bobby to a sudden cardiac death, used quilt making as a ritual for working through their grief. Five quilts were made, one for each member of the family, each of Bobby's younger siblings, and each parent. One of Bobby's shirt pockets was sewn onto each quilt, and the oldest child remarked that the pocket looked as if it was actually on Bobby's chest.
As part of their griefwork, each night the children write a private note to Bobby and tuck it into his pocket. In this way, the kids share their day with their lost brother. The grieving parents also use the quilts in their own way. Bobby's mother wraps herself in her quilt to be close to her son, and his father hung his quilt at work in his office.
Just the gathering of women (and men!) for quilt making can provide much-needed emotional and social support in your time of bereavement. We realize that some people are just not cut out for a project like this. So we present below several different ways you can go with your memorial quilt project.
http://www.recover-from-grief.com/memorial-quilts.html
"Man, when he does not grieve, hardly exists." ~Antonio Porchia
"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose."
"Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow." ~Dan Rather
Today I went to my friend's Memorial today. It was called a Celebration of Life and it truly was a celebration of her amazing life! I am so glad that I went, I was worried that I just couldn't handle it. I mean I love this family and to see them be in such pain was hard. My friend was a daughter, sister, wife, Mother and Grandmother. I put myself in her place and wondered how all these loved ones are going to make it without her. This death has hit so close to home that it has been hard on me.
But it was so positive and upbeat that I was grateful that I went. I also made some new commitments when I was there, after hearing so much about her life and all the Moments that she truly lived, I realized that I need to enjoy life more.
Many times, I miss out on things because of the pain that I have. Everything seems to have such a big cost, if I go to church and stay the whole time, then I am hurting so bad the next couple of days. If I go to one of Lee's games and sit on the bleachers ...then that kills my back. So pain does keep me away from many things, but I am determined to try harder to TRULY LIVE EACH MOMENT! I want my family and friends .
She was one true follow of Christ, just like all of her family! As a Mother, your greatest joy is knowing that the kids are close to the Lord and live their lives as they believe and were taught. I am sure she is very proud of them and she must have a sense of peace,, knowing that they will go on to make the world a better place.
Good bye my dear friend, I truly hope I can follow in your footsteps, you will be forever remembered and loved!
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"I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth" The Third Epistle of John
"To finish the moment, to find the journey's end in every step of the road, to live the greatest number of good hours is wisdom." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"While we are mourning the loss of our friend, others are rejoicing to meet him behind the veil." ~John Taylor
I have always had a hard time watching the news. It seems like it is so depressing to see all the terrible things that are going on in the world. My heart ached yesterday when the images of the 7.0 earthquake that hit Haiti, came up on my screen....
People search for survivors amongst the rubble of the Caribbean Super Market in Delmas on January 12, 2010 in Port-au-Prince, Haiti. A 7.0 earthquake rocked Haiti today, followed by at least a dozen aftershocks, causing widespread devastation in the capital.
Perspective is something that can change in an instant. I have been struggling the last couple of days with the pain in my knees and I am having some trouble with my teeth and will need to go in right after my knee surgery to get 2 crowns. I am also trying to get my heart to stop aching for Lauren (who just left for college,) and my son Lee is getting sick again and we are trying to figure out the cause of that. So I have been having a bit of a pity party for myself lately. I try to keep those things to myself, but non-the-less my perspective was bleak.
One look at the head lines snapped me back to reality, how in the world could I be thinking I was having a bad day when you see how hard life truly is for so many on a daily basis? They already have a life that is a daily struggle, and now after having such a devastating thing like this happen is unthinkable to me. I have never traveled the world at all, I know part of my family have and they say it is eye opening to see how others in the world live. Not sure is my heart could take it. It hurts today to just see the images of the people suffering so bad. In the article is talked about the people that are digging non-stop to save their loved one, they say that they are running on pure adrenaline and will power, but they know not even that... can last forever.
So today I will remember these people in Haiti in my thoughts and prayers and I will also count my blessings as I sit in my warm home, safely surrounded by those I love. I will remember, and keep things in perspective!
I started off my day with a phone call from my brother this morning. He told me that last night one of my cousins died in a car accident. He a husband and father of 4 young children. My heart just broke when I heard that. How do you ever prepare yourself for something like that? I wished we lived closer, so that at least we could help with the kids or something. I do realize the power of prayers though, and so we will pray for his wife, children, mother and family. He certainly will be missed. So tonight, I will dedicate my post to my sweet cousin's family and all those who suffering and hurting this holiday season. These are a few suggestions that I found that might helpful.
If you have lost a loved one, you might be wondering how to cope with your grief this holiday season.
With the first fallen leaf of autumn, we begin to anticipate the holidays ahead. Our senses are acute and take in everything: the smell of turkey roasting and freshly baked pies; the holiday songs playing on the radio; the sound of laughter from our loved ones who have gathered together. But for those of us who are experiencing illness, grief, or the loss of a loved one, the holidays can be a time of sadness, pain, anger, or dread.
The ebb and flow of grief can overwhelm us with waves of memories, especially during the holidays. Grief will also magnify the stress that is already a part of the holiday season. How do we begin to fill the emptiness we feel when it seems everyone else is overflowing with joy? There are some strategies to help you cope during the holidays and beyond.
Offer Yourself Some Grace
The best thing you can do this holiday season is be kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is your feeling. Don’t fall prey to the belief that you have to feel a certain way or do certain things for your holiday to be “normal.” If you feel sad, allow the tears to come; if you feel angry, allow yourself to vent some steam.
Be Kind to Yourself
Get the rest and nourishment you need. Don’t take on any more than you can handle. If you need to be alone, honor that. If you crave the company and affection of others, seek it out. Do whatever it is that feels right to you.
Ask For and Accept Help
You will need the help and support of others to get through. Don’t feel as though you are a burden. People get immense satisfaction and joy from helping those they care about.
In times of need, other people desire to help but often don’t know how. This is the time for you to speak up and make your needs known. If you need someone to help you with meals, shopping, or decorating, tell them so. They will be delighted to feel like they are helping you in some way.
The same holds true for your emotional needs. Friends and family may feel uncomfortable when it comes to talking about your grief. They may think that you don’t want to talk about it and don’t want to remind you of your pain. Again, you will have to direct them in the best way to help you. If you want to talk about what you’re going through or just want a shoulder to cry on, let your loved ones know.
Find Support
Sharing your feelings is the best way to get through them. You need people you can talk to. Friends and relatives can be a great support to us during times of grief.
Stop the Comparisons
It’s easy to watch other families and compare them to your own. Seeing other families together and enjoying the festivities may make you feel deprived.
Remember That You Will Survive
As hard as it is for you right now, you will survive. You will make it through the holidays in one piece. It may be the most difficult season in your time of grief, but it will pass. And when it does, you will come out on the other side stronger than before.
"The best gift you can give anyone you love, even someone you have lost, is being true to yourself and living your life to the fullest. "
"Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death."
Yesterday, I received news from friends that 2 people they knew closely... in their lives committed suicide. They were not related cases but still upsetting to say the least. I think, that must be one of the hardest things to happen to someone you know. The shock alone would be hard enough but I think it is natural to wonder if you could have done something, somehow to have stopped them? Although that is natural, it would be easier to have it weigh heavy on your heart if not careful. I guess the best thing we could do is to make sure to truly pay attention to those we love, to what their trials are, their fears, their concerns. Just being more aware of that, I believe could make a huge difference. I also think it is vital for us not to judge these people who have taken their life. The truth is... we can never really know everything about someone. Some times people don't share how bad or fearful they really feel. Some times people who are sad or upset put on a mask, covering up their real feelings. You can't always know that. Also remember that everyone handles problems differently. You can't just look at them and think ...oh I have been there and it wasn't that big a deal. Especially don't judge if you haven't been there before!
Just remember for yourself to not let yourself get so down, discouraged, depressed and desperate without telling someone, sharing your true feelings with someone you love and trust. Life is worth living! Life is all about the trials and experiences we are going through, but no one should have to go through them alone.
Pray each day to know who's life, you need to touch. I promise you that God will send you to these people or put them into your life. Just keep your eyes and heart open for those sweet whisperings of the spirit to guide you. And don't forget to pray each day for those who are struggling, fearful and down, they need our faith and prayers.
Good night dear friends and remember you are loved and appreciated!
A Poem written by Jocelyn Soriano.
Where would you go
that I cannot follow?
for how long must I wait
until we meet again?
what would I do
in times that I miss you?
where would I go
in times when I long to see you again?
how must I spend
the nights without you?
how do I bear
each morning that you’re not there?
shall I ever smile again?
will I ever laugh again?
will I ever face the world again
knowing that I'm not alone?
why must you leave me?
why must I cry these tears
when you’re not here
to wipe them all away?
why must I suffer
the empty days without my beloved?
why must I dream
without you by my side?
the days shall never be the same again
I will never be the same again
without you
the life of my soul,
the joy of my heart,
the light in my eyes,
the hope of my dreams,
the comfort of my lonely nights,
without you my beloved,
I grieve and cry,
I grope and stumble in the dark,
I weep with all my soul
I desire with all my heart
I let go of all of me that you took away with you
I keep all of you that is in me,
and will always remain in me
wherever I may go
I wait and pray and hope
I will look forward to each brand new day
thankful for all that I've had and will always have
thankful for the sun that shines again
believing and hanging on
believing that life will go on
it can’t help but go on
it shall go on
and in so going
there really is no end
only mornings and evenings
and life that never ever ends.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal." ~From a headstone in Ireland
"To live in hearts we leave behind Is not to die." ~ Thomas Campbell
