It is weird remembering things that I experienced almost 7 years ago with my cancer, in some ways it is better because I know what to expect. Still in other ways it is worse, because I KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT! Today was the first appointment with the first surgeon, she was nice and seemed to know exactly what she was doing. Obviously she wasn't too thrilled about how we treated my cancer the first time but I expected that. We made a decision that many people disagreed with, so are used to that type of reaction. I had to keep telling myself that I was there only to gain knowledge and information. I did ok, those type of meetings always seem to drain me of my energy. The conclusion that she came up with was for me to have a mastectomy. Now,I sorta knew that was probably in the plan but ...as she began to tell me the details of what she does, then the fear crept back in. I came home in tears almost 3 hours from the time that I arrived, I am tired, stressed and need to just hang with my kids and then head to bed.
Many of my family and friends ask what they can do and honestly, I am not sure I completely know just yet. We have 4 more appts tomorrow and then one on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. So although I am dreading tomorrow, I know I need to collect all the information that I can and then make the right decision. I am having a hard time finding my HAPPY PLACE lately and realize that this is one of the stages( of my emotions ) that I went through last time when I was checking out all my options. So as they say...THIS TOO SHALL PASS!
I really don't feel that I have anything inspiring to say tonight and I wish that I did. I don't like being so wrapped up in my problems that I can't find a way to understand how to get through it and then share it with others who are struggling in the same areas. A dear friend gave me a book about life, struggles and hope. One of the things the author said I related too, that is just how I feel about sharing my life and struggles with you. Here is how he explained it.
"I HOPE THAT IN SOME SMALL WAY THE THINGS I HAVE LEARNED WILL BE A SOURCE OF INSIGHT, INSPIRATION, AND STRENGTH TO YOU---WHATEVER YOUR BURDENS, WHATEVER YOUR CHALLENGES, WHATEVER YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES. PERHAPS YOU ALREADY KNOW THESE THINGS, AND I DON'T PROFESS TO TEACH YOU ANTYHING NEW. I HAVE LEARNED, HOWEVER, THAT THERE IS STRENGTH IN ALWAYS REMEMBERING THE LESSONS WE LEARN AND CONTINUALLY APPLYING THEM IN THE VARIOUS SEASONS AND CIRCUMSTANCES OF OUR LIVES."
I do know that no problem, trial or pain that we experience is wasted. With these struggles come the ability to develop more patience, faith, courage and humility. Life truly changes when you go through trials of this magnitude and it is up to me if it changes for the better or worse. So no matter whether I think I can do this ...ready or not...I need to start moving forward with more faith and courage.
Good night and thanks again for all that you do for me and my family!