Thursday, February 19, 2009

War Wounds

Well, yesterday I got a sweet email from a friend and this is the part that I thought was interesting, this is what she said...

"I hate hearing the skin is cracking and open and the pain that is causing but as awful as it is it means the radiation is working it’s number on the cancer.  What a war you’re in.  Nobody chooses war but thankfully you have a weapon to fight it and unfortunately that means war wounds."

I guess that I never really thought of it like that, but it was a much more positive way to look at it, than I have lately. How grateful I am for that insight, for friends that continue to support me and encourage during this battle with cancer.

Today has been a real struggle, I had my 22nd treatment and I am hurting and I am also having one of those BIGGER THAN ME days! I can't seem to talk at all without crying. I had to be careful in the radiation room not to think about things too much, because if I did cry, there is no way that you can move at all to wipe your tears or anything, so I just tried to not think for the 15 minutes that I was on the table.

I left radiation and went back to the waiting room and said hi to one of the ladies that I have seen a couple of times there. We talked for a minute and I found out that she is at the end of her treatments. She had chemo before, so she thought radiation was much easier than that. We talked about our skin and she said that she was really sore too. She had purchased the $85.00 cream and said that it seems to be working ok. I mentioned my concern about those of us that couldn't afford the cream and how there should be more options for us. She was so cute, she said "you can have some of mine". I don't want any of you to think we are so poor that I can't get cream. It just is that we are putting our money into supplements to build up my immune system plus I think it is terrible that insurance doesn't pay for that and that it costs that much. If it is something that all radiation patients need because of the side effects of the treatments then....there ought a be a way for  people to afford it. I get angry when I think of all the money that is made off of cancer patients! I am working with the patient advocate person at the hospital to help make some of these issues come to the fore front and be addressed. But today... I don't feel like fighting the battle. I don't have the energy to talk to one more person, maybe tomorrow I will, because I feel so passionate about helping people survive cancer. But for today I am done, I don't want to have cancer any more. I don't want to go to any more treatments, I don't want to always have to take a nap. I would like to just worry about normal things, what to have for dinner, plan our next family vacation but... all that seems so far away. 

After talking for a minute to my new friend I went straight to the chapel and there once again, took the time I needed to cry,ponder and pray. How grateful I am for that facility that someone designed and built. I got a book there and it is all about getting through life's toughest times it is called WE CARRY EACH OTHER what to say, what to do, how to care with compassion. It is by Eric and Sharon Langshur with Mary Beth Sammons  It is full of real people's stories and struggles and how they got through them with the help of friends and family. I was impressed by the stories, probably because most of them I can relate to. So  I will just share a few things from the book, I am pretty sure it will be more uplifting than my thoughts....just for today.

"Illness offers an extraordinary and at times frightening vantage point from which to view the terrain of one's life." ____Kat Duff

"In the dark times, the eye begins to see. The dark times in life are not our enemy. Dark times empty the world of things that would otherwise distract us from seeing the important things. Enter the darkness with confidence." ____Theodore Roethke

"Too many of us panic in the dark. We don't understand that it's a holy dark and that the idea is to surrender to it and the journey through to real light."   ______Sue Monk Kidd

Once again, thanks for sharing this journey with me!


1 comment:

Karma said...

I don't want you to have cancer anymore either!