It is 5:00am and I can't sleep from the pain under my arm. I keep getting up and putting more cream on it and hoping it will stop hurting enough to let me get some sleep. I decided to get up instead of keeping moving around and wake Jeff up too. What a great man and friend he is. He really should get some type of medal for putting up with me all these years.
All my life I have been taught how to pray. I knew I had a Heavenly Father that loved me and so prayer was important to me, that was my access to Him. I was never really close to my Dad, but he taught me what it was like to really pray and for that I am eternally grateful. I have mentioned to you before that my oldest brother was hurt in Vietnam. I can still remember 40 years ago when I came home from school and as a family we prayed for the first time since we had been told he was hurt. We were too far away from him, all we could do was pray. Now that I am a parent I realize even more what faith my Dad must have had, to offer up that family prayer.
As we all knelt around our bed, my Dad offered the prayer. He literally begged and pleaded with the Lord for my brother to live, we were all crying. It was one of the most sincere prayers that I had ever heard, at least as a 10 year old. Right after he said amen, he asked us to close our eyes again and mentioned that we needed to say another prayer. ( if I have told this story before, just excuse me) So we knelt down again, tears streaming down our faces. This time my Dad almost said the exact prayer except at the end he said "but Thy will be done". I remember what an effect that had on me as a 10 year old and the effect that it has on me now as a mom. Saying THY will be done means it could go either way, that takes a lot of faith to trust the LORD enough to let Him make the right choice. ( which He will anyway) We didn't want our brother to leave us, but we knew that his life was out of our hands and so we just prayed that the best thing for him would happen. And it did, it was a LONG road for him, but he did survive and thrive. He is a husband, father, grandfather, teacher and coach, yes...he did survive!
Now 40 years later, still remembering that valuable lesson from my Dad. I am trying to have the faith to place all that I am going through to my Heavenly Father. He knows how much I can endure and not endure. He knows what I am suppose to do here upon the earth, He knows that, but here in the dark; in my little part of the universe...I am not so sure I know? I even worry that after all these grueling treatments, will the Cancer still come back? What other side effects might come from these treatments? I have never been afraid to die, I know many people are but that has never been a fear of mine. My fear is what I may be asked to live through? And will I be strong enough to handle it?
I read a article on PRAYER the other day and it reminded me of things I needed to hear, and things obviously I need to remember right now!
"WE LIVE IN TROUBLED TIMES. DOCTOR'S OFFICES ARE FILLED WITH INDIVIDUALS WHO ARE BESET WITH EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS AS WELL AS PHYSICAL DISTRESS. DIVORCE COURTS ARE OVERFLOWING BECAUSE PEOPLE HAVE UNSOLVED PROBLEMS. HUMAN RESOURCE ADMINISTRATORS IN GOVERNMENT AND INDUSTRY WORK LONG HOURS IN EFFORT TO ASSIST PEOPLE WITH THEIR PROBLEMS.
ONE HUMAN RESOURCE OFFICER ASSIGNED TO HANDLE PETTY GRIEVANCES CONCLUDED AN UNUSUALLY HECTIC DAY BY PLACING FACETIOUSLY A LITTLE SIGN ON HIS DESK FOR THOSE WITH UNSOLVED PROBLEMS. IT READ, "HAVE YOU TRIED PRAYER?"
WHAT HE MAY NOT HAVE REALIZED WAS THAT IS SIMPLE COUNSEL WOULD SOLVE MORE PROBLEMS, ALLEVIATE MORE SUFFERING, PREVENT MORE TRANSGRESSION, AND BRING GREATER PEACE AND CONTENTMENT IN THE HUMAN SOUL THAN COULD BE OBTAINED IN ANY OTHER WAY." _____Thomas S. Monson
One of my favorite scriptures is in Proverbs 3:5-7 TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL THINE HEART; AND LEAN NOT UNTO THINE OWN UNDERSTANDING. IN ALL THY WAYS ACKNOWLEEDGE HIM AND HE SHALL DIRECT THY PATHS.
I know these things are true, it is just here in the early hours of the morning and in pain, that I need to remind myself of them. I will try to keep the faith, keep fighting and keep believing that somehow ...I will live to tell about this. Thank you for your PRAYERS, I feel them and I am so grateful for them!
"Prayer is more than meditation. In meditation, the source of strength is one's self. When one prays, he goes to a source of strength greater than his own." Madame de Stael
"The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature." ____Anne Frank