For the past 4 weeks I haven't even been well enough to go to church, I love Sundays because no matter what that means we get to be together as a family, nothing else is scheduled or planned. So what a treat it was to feel good enough and have enough energy today, to go to church with Jeff and the kids. I was worried how I would feel because Saturday I over did it some. We tried to get some shopping done with Amy and Lauren for the wedding and I guess it was bit too much for me. I must be feeling better because now I am beginning to worry about being ready for this wedding in 3 weeks! We are so excited, but because of everything that has happened I really have gotten behind on what I need to do. We worked on invitations last night, they are later than we wanted but at least they will go out today. I can't turn my neck a certain way this morning, gee this crippled sad body of mine is ridiculous. Oh well, I will rest more today and apply the ice packs.
Right after my surgery, when the shock of what my body was really going to look like for the rest of my life, I wondered how in the world I would ever speak in public again. I was just sure that everyone would look at me different or feel sorry for me. (Now you understand why I need a counselor) I think really that is a normal stage, that any one goes through when a traumatic thing happens to you. Like I said the other day, I realized that I wasn't as self conscience as much any more but still I have my reservations. So today, I did conquer a huge fear I spoke in church today, yes ...in front of everyone! I had Lauren check me out to see if I looked normal, about 3 times that morning before we left, she has been such a trooper through this all. And to my surprise everyone just acted normal to me, I didn't see pity in their eyes at all...just that they loved me and missed me. I do love speaking and I feel very grateful that I will be able to continue to do that in the future, I will need a new wardrobe but Jeff said that we would think about that later! :)
Two things that I spoke about in church was SERVICE AND FAITH. I have come to realize through this experience, that the service that others have given me and my family have been such a blessing to us and a great help in my healing. I read a quote somewhere that SERVICE HELPS YOUR SPIRITUALITY. I know that is true and I know it is because we are doing for others what the Savior would do if He were here. I love reading in the New Testament about His life, it was one full of service. I know that I am much better at giving service than receiving, we have had people help us for over a month now and I really don't know how we could have done it with out every's help. It is humbling though when you can't do some things for yourself, but I know those who have served us will be blessed for their efforts. The Lord doesn't miss those type of things. I know in the past when I have served others that I feel closer to my Heavenly Father, that He is pleased with my actions. I hopefully will get better and stronger so that I can again return the favor for many.
The next thing I talked about was faith, I feel like I need to have an extra abundance of that, to be able to make the decisions in the future. I read a quote the other day from C.S.Lewis that went like this ..."YOU NEVER KNOW HOW MUCH YOU REALLY BELEIVE SOMETHING, UNTIL ITS TRUTH OR FALSEHOOD BECOMES A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH TO YOU." That is a true statement! Many times our lives are so busy and full and everything is going well (obviously I am not talking about my life :) ) that we don't really work on our hope and faith, life is good. But the moment that something BIG happens in your life, everything stops and priorities fall in order. All of a sudden even if you really didn't see yourself as a religious person, now it is time to find out what you really do believe. Trials, sickness, death, disease, broken hearts and accidents have a way of doing that to us. If you ever wondered if there is a GOD, then now would be the time to find out because ...things of this world won't bring the peace and comfort that you need. So it is good to really research, ask and find out just what you believe before LIFE'S LESSONS happen. I love the scripture in PROVERBS 3:5 "trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding". I really need to do this, I am a bit worried about what the future will bring for me, what decisions I am going to make and what I will have to do to make sure that this Cancer does not return. Plus, I really need to rely on the Lord for understanding on how to make all of this come to pass and what is in my best interest. I just need to have more FAITH and do all that I can, to understand the risks that I will be taking.
I need to go back and read all the beautiful cards and emails that many of you have sent to me. It does make a difference when others believe in you and remind you of your strength. Some times that is HARD to see. So thank you for that reminder and I hope all week I can take the feelings that I had yesterday and be a better person. I love the Christmas season because it does seem that hearts are more turned to each other and that is a great feeling of PEACE in a time when the world is in such turmoil.
Have a great day!