Well, most of the weekend we did stuff for Christmas and that was good and I felt like things were a little bit normal for a minute. We were busy for most of it and I had minimal energy, but today I have struggled even more to just get the basics done. I did cook today and although it about did me in, I could tell the whole family was hoping that things are going to get back to normal. Maybe it is that word Normal that bothers me, I really feel anything but NORMAL today!
Tonight we went to a LIVE NATIVITY that the kids from church put on, it had live animals and everything. It was freezing cold but the whole thing only lasted 15 minutes, it was beautiful though and a great reminder of what the Christmas season is all about.
I saw a lot of people there that hadn't seen me in a while, they are were happy to see me and I did get a few looks of "oh Lynn, how are you, I am so sorry your cancer has come back". Many of them told me that they pray for my family and I daily. Some told me that I look great, some said you just don't look like someone who has cancer. I listened and responded to each one but there was a part of me in the deep deep part of my heart that was thinking. I might look good, I might look normal and happy but part of me is still struggling to have enough energy to smile and shake hands. Enough courage to get up tomorrow and enough faith to realize that God will let me know what path to go down in curing this cancer.
Many people look at me and wonder why I don't follow the regular route of cancer victims, even my own dad said to me when I was diagnosed with cancer the first time and we discussed what I was going to do..."Why do you always have to take a different road than everyone else?" That's a good question, that is something that I have thought about over and over again. Why? Because going down the road that most everyone does would be a whole lot easier, less pressure and worrying from everyone and almost less thinking involved, because we already know the steps and procedures that are supposedly tried and true.
I guess it is because my whole life I have only found TRUE HAPPINESS and PEACE when I have followed my gut, my heart or the spirit. Whatever you want to call it, when I try to go against what I know to be true in my heart, I can't find peace and happiness. Without that I feel like I am just going through life guessing and hoping that this way or that way is the right way. I don't like statistics and I don't like playing the odds. I like having studied, researched, thought about, prayed about and then see what I feel is right for me, just me...not for anyone else, just me!
We didn't stay too long tonight, this cold weather made my incision and arm ache more than normal so Jeff and I headed home early. Good ole Jeff, what a trooper he has been. I know he has got to wish for better things and better times...hopefully he won't have to wait to long for them. I head off to the Cancer Center in Seattle tomorrow morning. I have a blood test at 11:00 and then at 11:30 I start a Multi-Vitamin infusion, it should take about an hour to an hour and a half. They will run multiple vitamins through me with an IV and hopefully that will jump start my immune system. I just need something, in order to be on that plane... in less than 2 weeks. I want so bad to be feeling good and looking good at Brad and Krystal's wedding, I don't want to be the weak and sick one there that has to sit down and rest every minute. I want to be there and be PRESENT for every moment of it. This is a wonderful and exciting time for our family and I don't want to miss any of it. I pray that this infusion will work it's magic.
I need to head to bed and hope for a better day tomorrow. Here are a few quotes that seem to be close to my heart tonight.
Heed the still small voice that so seldom leads us wrong, and never into folly.
Marquise du Deffand
Make it thy business to know thyself, which is the most difficult lesson in the world.
Miguel de Cervantes
It is a mistake to look too far ahead. Only one link of the chain of destiny can be handled at a time. ~ Winston Churchill