Jeff and I left around 9:30 this morning for the Seattle Cancer and Wellness Center, we had back to back appointments with our Doctor there and the oncologist. They certainly take all the time you need and they are never in a rush. Some of our time was waiting for the pathology reports from my mastectomy to be sent to them. That is exactly why we usually get copies and keep all of them with us to each appointment. Many times we were told all the results and facts have been sent to the Dr that we have the upcoming appointment with and yet when we get there,they don't have them.
We arrived home around 2:00 something so ...it was a very long day! I am sure you are all wondering what we found out, well I am not going to go into detail because there is really no need. We were given all the information and suggestions that they had and then they suggested we see yet another DR for another opinion and then study a few things that they told us about (research wise) and to call back in a week or two and let them know what our decision is. So we still have a lot of research to do and the Dr. really put the focus on me getting rid of this pain first and also working on getting rid of the MONO. She said I already went in surgery with an immune system that was compromised, so that needs to be our main goal right now. I need to feel better. Hurting this much and being this tired, truly doesn't help the decision process, actually it makes every thing an effort!
I did realize something positive today and so I need to recognize it, little as it may seem. I didn't once think about if people were looking at me or trying to tell if I had a breast or not.As I said before when I have all my gear on you truly can't tell, but that still tripped me up even a week ago. I have been pretty down and in the house for the past 3 days and so I haven't been out to realize that, till today. I think that is a milestone! Some ways that seems the least of my problems compared to what I might be facing in the future. But it was a big deal and I am grateful for that. Hopefully that will not be a struggle any more.
I need to head to bed, I feel tired, I am still so very, very sore, I feel scared and most of all LONELY. Not because I don't have any one to support me and love me. I do ....there are many actually. But LONELY because I need to make this decision on my own. Yes, everyone will have opinions for me but really it is my decision and my decision alone to make. That puts a bit of pressure on me to make the right decision and figure into all that, the effect it will have on me and my sweet family. Don't think for a minute that I make any decision lightly, I have always considered Jeff and the kids first and I will continue to do so. But I by myself need to know what is right for ME to do. Just me, not everyone else out there that has dealt with Cancer. It is an overwhelming feeling and one that is not to be taken lightly or yet forced into, because you are SCARED TO DEATH or SCARED OF DEATH. I will continue to study, read, pray and listen to that gut feeling that has never lead me wrong yet. What I need is Hope, Courage and Peace...well, at least we are in the right season for that...there is an abundance of it during Christmas and how grateful I am for that. I need to head to bed, here is my Christmas quote for the day. Thanks for your love and support!
"What is Christmas? It is tenderness for the past, courage for the present, hope for the future. It is a fervent wish that every cup may overflow with blessings rich and eternal, and that every path may lead to peace." -- ---- Agnes M. Pharo