I am still a lot better from the remedy that the Doctor gave me Weds. at the Cancer Center. I got up with still some pain from having my drain JERKED OUT, but my arm is less sore and that is a blessing in and of itself. It is amazing to me when you are in such terrible pain how that distorts your perspective on so many things. I have a hard time enjoying anything. I even struggled reading my scriptures or anything else because I couldn't seem to focus at all. Today was different I got up without too much groaning and then was able to enjoy a couple of things that I haven't been able to do or desired to do for over 2 months now. I read a Christmas book, I started cutting out a Christmas Tree Quilt skirt, I even straightened up my house again...now this is more like it.
Today also I went to counseling, I didn't go because I was depressed ( although I was for a time during all of this) but because I have such important decisions to make about my future and I want to make sure that I am not making those in FEAR but with FACTS about each one and FAITH that this is exactly what I am suppose to do in my life. I emphasize MY LIFE because it is some times hard to make a decision when you have so many examples of others who have already been through it. Not the exact cancer or the exact stage or anything else but everyone knows someone, that has had cancer and the stories they have to tell, can be inspiring or frightening. That is why I try to screen those when they are being told to me.
Eldon Vance ( my counselor ) is an amazing man, he really helps you see where your thoughts are taking you and what thoughts are real and which ones are created from your experiences you are having. He seemed very confident in me and in my ability to make this decisions. I know some of you might be thinking, counseling ...that is for people who aren't stable. Well, that could be me... but I would rather look at it as a strength and knowing when you are stuck and be willing to do whatever it takes to get UNSTUCK in our lives so that we can go on and live productive lives. I would recommend it for anyone, I think anyone could benefit from counseling, many times your are surprised at the habits and fears that control you and like one person I know ,said it the best when she said "I COULDN'T SEE WHO I HAD BECOME!"
I was up all day and still feeling pretty good then Jeff popped the question to me "Will you go out on a date with me?" I was tired but it was something I wanted to do for a long time. We never miss our Friday night dates, we have been doing them for 26 years of marriage and in rare occasions we weren't able to do them. I think for the last 7 weeks we have missed them (oh the one Friday night, we went together and did my CT scan but...I didn't really count that as a DATE NIGHT).
We went to a movie that was the least energy taking of our choices but the movie was terrible or at least the very beginning was and so we walked out of that and got our money back and then went and did some window shopping at Target (that is where they have the electric carts at). But it was just fun to be with Jeff and get out some, although when we headed for home I was glad.
So today was a good day and I am so grateful for any GOOD change that is coming. I like the quote that goes like this..."YOU CAN'T HAVE FAITH IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE IT." I really do want to believe that life is going to get better and that this will all be something good in the long run. I hope that I can help in any way, to support other women who have to fight this terrible disease. Thanks again for believing in me. It does make a big difference.
Have a great day!