Well today started out different, the kid's school was canceled because of the snow storm that was suppose to be coming and like I had mentioned... I had my appointment for my new bra and prosthetic at 11:00. After hearing what the storm was suppose to do, I called my ride and told her not to worry about picking me up and that I would just reschedule. Then around 10:30 am I realized that maybe I should just go ahead and do the appointment because there was no snow in sight. Lauren ( my right arm) came with me and I am sure she has gotten quite an education through this whole experience but she has been a trooper and watches me like a hawk.
I wasn't sure what to expect for the fitting but I will try to explain it so if anyone else has to experience it,then they might have more of an idea of what to expect. I was assigned to a salesperson who apparently does this a lot, there are 2 or 3 women that specifically help survivors with their prosthetics. Mine was nice and very business like, this was her job and she was just doing it. Lauren stayed with me the whole time, I was a bit embarrassed for her to see me like this but she was great and just positive the whole time. The sales person measures you and then tries to find the right prosthetic that looks the most natural and most like your other side. She was a little worried that mine was not going to look or lay right because of the dip that I have from the tissue that was taken out, there is quite a bit gone and so the prosthetic doesn't lay quiet as nice as she wanted it to. But she just kept trying different prosthetics and different bras until we came up with two that we thought would work. You might be wondering why you can't use your regular bras? It is because the prosthetic has to have a pocket to fit in and that is why you have to buy the expensive bras. (Remember... what I said about how expensive this whole process has been)
After the fitting was done then we had to sit down and just wait for her to call the insurance company to see how much of the prosthetic that would cover and how many bras they would let you purchase. When she was writing up the bill it was over $420.00 but that was for the insurance and we would have to probably pay around $150.00 or so. I wish that I could tell you that it was worth that much money but I can't see how it is and it certainly doesn't seem fair that it costs that much especially for women who don't have good insurance or any insurance at all. Wow, there are a lot of things about this whole disease that are very disturbing.
So 2 hours later I walked out of Nordstrom with my new prosthetic and my new bras. Lauren said " well at least you get to carry a Nordstrom bag around the mall, can't say that you have done that very often. Just don't let people see what you are carrying around." :) What would I have changed in that whole experience? Well, first of all I would have said to the girl who was helping me to button up her own shirt some, she was extremely hanging out and it was almost an insult to me when I am there to just get something to look normal (when I am fully dressed). I also would have asked her to talk to me more about my life or my family. She was just doing her job and she seemed good at it, she was nice and pleasant but very much just down to work at getting me fitted properly. I felt a lot like just another number or another body that she dealt with that day. I have felt that same way at a few of my DR appointments and that is sad. I just feel like saying " hey, could you just look at me like a person and not a number or a statistic? Could you just show me that you care a little about what I have gone through? But, I am much more a people person that most and so for me it would have been nice if she would have tried to connect with me, even a little.
I noticed that for the rest of the day I was really down on myself. Down on how bad I looked, down on how out of shape I was and on and on. I also realized that it hurt to realize that this is really final. My life will be different from now on. I sat there in that department and saw all the pictures of other women looking so beautiful and knew that I would never look like that. It's funny because.. it not like I ever looked like that any way ,but now for some reason it felt more final, like I was giving up my femininity. How can I ever feel attractive again looking like this? You don't have to answer, I know there really isn't an answer for this...at least not one that I want to hear. But I am grateful that with this bra and prosthetic maybe I will feel a bit more normal and that my shirts won't pull as crooked as they have been. I am grateful that we had insurance to help with most of it. I am grateful that it didn't snow so that I could do this today and get things ready for the wedding. I am grateful that it was only one prosthetic that I had to be fitted for and not two. ( Just trying to remember the little blessings, that are big)
I had another sweet angel come tonight (in the snow) to bring me some clothes to try on for the wedding. What a blessing that was. Shopping is such a hard thing for me to do because of the energy it takes,as well as how rough it is on my arm to try clothes off and on... over and over again. Actually, I was still hurting this evening from what little time I had the bra on, it fits right across the incision that was for my drain and that is still pretty tender. Hopefully by next week I will just keep getting better and less sore. This cute girl (who is young enough to be my daughter, and I would take her in a heartbeat) was so upbeat and positive and made me feel like everything that I tried on made me look like a million bucks. That is definitely what I needed after this mornings experience. Plus, I knew that she would pick the best things because she is always amazingly put together and cute! So with her help I should be ready for the wedding.
I need to head to bed, this was definitely a different day, not one that I want to experience again, but I did it and so I will continue to move on from there. I hope my honesty doesn't discourage you, I just really feel like I need to be HONEST and REAL!
Good night dear friend!
P. S. This is a quote that I need to remember tonight!
"If you think of this world as a place intended simply for our happiness, you find it quite intolerable;
Think of it as a place of training and correction and it’s not so bad."
------C. S. Lewis