I love Sunday!

Today is Day Light savings time and of course we forgot to change our clocks. Everyone was in a big hurry to get to church on time. I remembered it earlier this week but forgot to remind myself last night. I still can't go to church because of my burn. I can hardly stand to have my shirts or jackets even on it a bit, that is still very irritating. But I have to admit that yesterday it looked a bit better, it didn't feel that much better but it looked better. Last night it started itching and I know that is a sign of healing. The main part that has been so raw should be healing soon because they last radiated it a week ago Friday, so today is my 8th day and so we should be getting that area to start healing soon. I still have the incision area getting more sore each day but I am only 2 days out on that one. Wow, what a journey this has been.

I am trying to think and study things today that will help me spiritually since I didn't go to church. I was talking to my niece and nephew the other day about someone in their life that has been having so many struggles. They had asked what they could do to help them. My suggestion was just to validate them, encourage them to get the PROFESSIONAL help that they need and to love them. I have learned the hard way that you can't change anyone, no matter how much you love and worry about them. They still have their agency to choose. So we ended up sharing our thoughts with each other, I was so impressed with his compassion and empathy at such a young age.

I will close with some thoughts that he shared with me and a quote.

Have a wonderful Sabbath and thanks again for your love and friendship!

                                              

"7 ways to cultivate a mental attitude that will bring you peace & happiness." 

1) Let's fill our minds with thoughts of peace, courage, health, and hope, for 'our life is what our thoughts make it.' 
2) Let's never try to get even with our enemies, because if we do we will hurt ourselves far more than we hurt them. 
3) Instead of worrying about ingratitude, let's expect it. Let's remember that Jesus healed ten lepers in a day--and only one thanked Him. Why should we expect more gratitude than Jesus got?  Let's remember that the only way to find happiness is not to expect gratitude--but to give for the joy of giving.  Let's also remember that gratitude is a 'cultivated' trait; so if we want our children to be grateful, we must train them to be grateful. 
4) Count your blessings--not your troubles. 
5) Let's not imitate others. Let's find ourselves and be ourselves. 
6) When fate hands us a lemon, let's try to make a lemonade. 
7) Let's forget our own unhappiness--by trying to create a little happiness for others. "When you are good to others, you are best to yourself." 
Life's Lemons Make Great Lemonade: 
"I just would like to add that life does throw us lemons--sometimes we throw lemons at ourselves, and the only way to find joy is to make lemonade--otherwise we are left with a stinky sticky situation that no-one wants to be around--including ourselves. That is what worry does to us--where if we face those worries and find opportunities to serve others the lemonade of our live's experiences we find true joy!"   ____M. Duke

I have to let you know that Lauren did not take this photo or the one of the eagle and the cookie.  She also said that none of our glasses look this nice so...she couldn't have taken it anyway!  :) I have used almost every photo that she has in her blog, I guess I am going to have to have her get me more photos.

"Any time you sincerely want to make a change, the first thing you must do is to raise your standards. When people ask me what really changed my life eight years ago, I tell them that absolutely the most important thing was changing what I demanded of myself. I wrote down all the things I would no longer accept in my life, all the things I would no longer tolerate, and all the things that I aspired to becoming."   ___Anthony Robbins

 

 

Judgements

Just recently I made a judgement call in my mind about someone. I was frustrated at a choice that they made and wondered why they were so stubborn on always doing the same behavior. I realized a few days later that what I thought, about this person wasn't true. And even though this person had done this same type of thing before, they didn't this time and my judgement was not only wrong... but not necessary. A true friend needs to help and support, not speculate or judge.  I felt sorry about the what I had done and then realized how that would have made me feel, if someone would have judged me like that...not very good. So I am sorry and I am trying to learn my lesson. I have enough on my plate, that truly I shouldn't have the time to worry or judge others like that. When I realized what I had done, I remembered this great story about judging. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. Good night

The Cookie Thief

A woman was waiting at the airport one night,
With several long hours before her flight.
She hunted for a book in the airport shop,
Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop.

She was engrossed in her book, but happened to see,
That the man beside her, as bold as could be,
Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag between,
Which she tried to ignore to avoid a scene

She read, munched cookies, and watched the clock,
As the gustly “cookie thief” diminished her stock
She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by,
Thinking, “If I wasn’t so nice, I’d blacken his eye!”

With each cookie she took, he took one too.
When only one was left, she wondered what he’d do.
with a smile on his face and a nervous laugh,
He took the last cookie and broke it in half.

He offered her half, and he ate the other.
She snatched it from him and thought, “Oh brother,
This guy has some nerve, and he’s also so rude,
Why, he didn’t even show any gratitude!”

She had never known when she had been so galled,
And sighed with relief when her flight was called.
She gathered her belongings and headed for the gate,
Refusing to look at the “thieving ingrate”.

She boarded the plane and sank in her seat,
Then sought her book, which was almost complete.
As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise.
There were her bag of cookies in front of her eyes!

“If mine are here,” she moaned with despair.
“Then the others were his and he tried to share!”
Too late to apologize, she realized with grief,
That she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief!!!!

 

"I've learned that I still have a lot to learn."

"Never miss a chance to keep your mouth shut." -Robert Newton Peck

THIS PART OF MY JOURNEY IS DONE!

I can't say that I felt very excited about today or even felt like celebrating but... it was a mile marker worth mentioning. Today was my last day of radiation, I am very thankful for that . My skin is burnt so bad that I honestly wondered how much more my body could take. I had one tech tell me that my skin didn't look near as bad as a lot of people she has seen, and that actually it looked pretty good. But somehow that didn't make me feel any better. I still hurt and to have to wear clothes on top of this burn,it is a real  struggle every day. Some day ...I am hoping to design a jacket of some kind, that the ladies going to and from radiation can wear. Some thing soft (because your skins is so sensitive) plus, something that has pockets for padding so you don't have to look so weird when you walk in. For the last 3 weeks I have been too sore to wear Mrs. Doubtfire or my bra and so it has been a bit embarrassing to walk in with one side of my sweat suit just laying there. A little obvious that I had a mastectomy. There are so many other issues that you are dealing with already, embarrassment shouldn't be another one. It is hard to feel like you look good at all after a mastectomy and that makes it even worse. It isn't like we get to enter through a private door where no one will see us, but through the main part of the hospital with the rest of the world is so....some day I would like to design something available, comfortable and affordable for these dear ladies who are trying to survive.   

My daughter Amy came the other day and took some photos of what I have been doing for the last 7 weeks. She is going to make a book of my second journey through Cancer. Actually in our family we call it RECNAC, that is cancer spelled backwards, it is still the same word, but by pronouncing it backwards takes a lot of fear out of such a terrible word. It actually almost sounds funny. Laughter has been a very necessary part for our family, to survive this.

This is a photo of the actual room and machine that I get my radiation from each day. Here is the sky over top that I said is wonderful to look at, it has lights behind it, so when the lights are darkened then you feel like you are laying outside, in a field looking up at the sky. ( of course you have a gown on,you are naked from the waist up, you have tattoos and permanent markers drawn on you, you are laying in a really awkward  and uncomfortable position... on a very hard table in front of a few people, but ...other than that, it feels just like you are outside :)

"SEVEN DAYS WITHOUT LAUGHTER, MAKES ONE WEAK!"

My granddaughter comes twice a week with me to the hospital. Like I have said many times, she is a breath of fresh air around there. She wants to talk to everyone, see and touch everything and then her very favorite thing... is to go and get a Strawberry Shake (Ensure) out of the mini fridge there in the waiting room. Ahhh...what it would be like to be a kid again. Life was so much simpler.

"Children are our most valuable natural resource."   ___Herbert Hoover

So this will be one of the last mornings I will have to come up these escalators for a while. I have to come back in one month for a check up but, I think I can handle that. I will miss the ladies in there with me, I almost felt guilty saying good bye to them today, when I know they still have a ways to go. But I did make some new friends and once again was surrounded by women who are fighting for their lives and are definitely survivors, I am proud to have known them. I appreciated all the tech's, nurses, doctors, physical therapists, receptionists and even the dear lady who filled up the fridge with shakes. They were kind to me and I was grateful to have the opportunity to get to know them some. That surely would be a hard and heavy job at times when working in ONCOLOGY.

"IT IS ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL COMPENSATIONS IN THIS LIFE THAT NO MAN (OR WOMAN) CAN SINCERELY TRY TO HELP ANOTHER WITHOUT HELPING HIMSELF."   _____Ralph Waldoo Emerson & (Lynn)

What I will miss the most, is that beautiful chapel... where there was such a wonderful spirit. I can't say thanks enough to all the people who were involved in creating that incredible room. I went in there today and wrote one last time in that prayer journal. It was definitely the highlight of my experience there, how I wish I would have known about it sooner.

"WE ARE HERE TO DO, AND THROUGH DOING TO LEARN; AND THROUGH LEARNING TO KNOW; AND THROUGH KNOWING TO EXPERIENCE WONDER; AND THROUGH WONDER TO ATTAIN WISDOM; AND THROUGH WISDOM TO FIND SIMPLICITY; AND THROUGH SIMPLICITY TO GIVE ATTENTION; AND THROUGH ATTENTION TO SEE WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE"   ____Ben Hei Hei

"THERE ARE TIMES WHEN SILENCE IS THE MOST SACRED OF RESPONSES."      ____Eugene Kennedy

So am I happy to be done? YES     Do I want to celebrate?    NO

First,I would like to start healing some.  I still have quite a bit of the journey yet to go, I am by no means done with this battle. But I am making progress. Thanks so much for all of your love and support. You believe in me and I truly can feel that. Thank you again!

"I AM NOT DYING, NOT ANYMORE THAN ANY OF US ARE AT ANY MOMENT. WE CAN RUN, HOPEFULLY AS FAST AS WE CAN, AND THEN EVERYONE MUST STOP. WE CAN ONLY CHOOSE HOW WE HANDLE THE RACE."  ___Hugh Elliott

A LITTLE BIRD TOLD ME...

Now many of you have asked me where I get my stores and quotes, most of them I have collected throughout my years of motivational speaking, I have also collected many of them from the computer too. The one I sent last night was from a dear friend who wrote me back this morning, and apologized because after doing more research... she found out that the story of the eagle wasn't completely true. Not sure why anyone would lie about that but, the concept and idea was touching. I am sorry that it wasn't the truth though. I guess I need to do my homework more! Anyway here is my thought about the whole thing.

untruth definition

un·truth (-tro̵̅o̅t̸h′)

noun

1. the quality or state of being untrue; falsity
2. an untrue statement; falsehood; lie
3. Obsolete unfaithfulness or disloyalty

THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM
Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family. The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room. Instead the angels were given a space in the cold basement.
As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied... "Things aren't always what they seem".
The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest.

When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.
The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel "how could you have let this happen!? The first man had everything, yet you helped him," he accused. "The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let their cow die."
"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it. Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead. Things aren't always what they seem."
Sometimes this is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage. You might not know it until some time later.

--- Author Unknown

Now I know for sure this story is true...for angels don't lie! :)

Have a great day, talk to you tonight, I am heading for bed for awhile.

Lynn

The Angels, are still among us!

Today was especially good because Amy and Angie came to take me to my treatments. Angie gets so excited to come with Nana and get her Strawberry Shake (ENSURE that they keep in the mini fridge for the patients). She just brings a breath of fresh air to a room that is usually filled with pain, fatigue and sadness. She talks to everyone in there and tells them how delicious the shakes are and then shows them the water and her glittery shoes. Yes, it is good when she comes... because in her world there is no cancer or pain, she is just excited to see and talk to everyone. She just is loving every minute of life!

Amy is going to put together a book for me about my journey through cancer again and so she took lots of pictures for that today. I know that is a lot, for Amy to come all this way to take me but they get to stay for the day and then John meets them here for dinner, we love having them here.

I had so many angel visits today. It truly does build me up and make me realize how blessed I am to be so loved and cared about. One angel dropped off homemade scones, another some skin care, another healing cream, another one dinner, a phone call, an email and then even a card. How can I feel to sorry for myself? I am truly rich. There are angels among us!

"Angels can fly because they carry no burdens."    _____ Eileen Elias Freeman

Another dear angel is always sends me uplifting emails and the one she sent me today was great and that is what I will share with you.

IT IS THE STORY OF THE EAGLE

THE EAGLE HAS THE LONGEST LIFE-SPAN OF ITS SPECIES. IT CAN LIVE UP TO 70 YEARS BUT TO REACH THIS AGE, THE EAGLE MUST MAKE A HARD DICISION. IN ITS 40"S IT'S LONG AND FLEXIBLE TALONS CAN NO LONGER GRAB PREY WHICH SERVES AS FOOD. ITS LONG AND SHARP BEAK BECOMES BENT, IT'S OLD-AGED AND HEAVY WINGS, DUE TO THEIR THICK FEATHERS, BECOME STUCK TO IT'S CHEST AND MAKE IT DIFFICULT TO FLY. THEN, THE EAGEL IS LEFT WITH ONLY TWO OPTIONS: DIE OR GO THROUGH A PAINFUL PROCESS OF CHANGE WHICH LASTS 150 DAYS. THE PROCESS REQUIRES THAT THE EAGLE FLY TO A MOUNTAIN TOP AND SIT ON IT'S NEST. THERE THE EAGLE KNOCKS ITS BEAK AGAINST A ROCK UNTIL IT PLUCKS IT OUT. AFTER PLUCKING IT OUT, THE EAGLE WILL WAIT FOR A NEW BEAK TO GROW BACK AND THEN IT WILL PLUCK OUT IT'S TALONS. WHEN IT'S NEW TALONS GROW BACK, THE EAGLE STARTS PLUCKING IT'S OLD-AGED FEATHERS.

AND, AFTER 5 MONTHS, THE EAGLE TAKE'S IT'S FAMOUS FLIGHT OF REBIRTH AND LIVES FOR ANOTHER 30 MORE YEARS.

WHY IS CHANGE NEEDED?

MANY TIMES, IN ORDER TO SURVIVE WE HAVE TO START A CHANGE PROCESS. WE SOMETIMES NEED TO GET RID OF OLD MEMORIES, HABITS AND OTHER PAST TRADITIONS. ONLY FREED FROM PAST BURDENS, CAN WE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE PRESENT! 

I am not sure why my friend sent this to me today, but it was appropriate because it has been 5 months now that I have been going through this hard and painful change process. My body has changed and although I am not as lucky as the eagle, to have my body parts grow back... better and stronger I do hope that this whole process will give me the opportunity to live quite a few more GOOD, no... GREAT years. I am not the same Lynn that walked into that hospital 5 months ago to have a mastectomy. I pray that when my healing is done and my pain is gone that I will be able to live a better and fuller life with more purpose. I also hope that I will have the opportunity to help bring about some changes ...better changes for the women behind me, that will have to walk down this same road of Cancer. I pray the change that my body and my spirit is having now will truly make a difference and I will be a better, stronger and happier Lynn. Thanks so much for helping me through this long 5 months process.I only have 2 days left!

 

"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."  ~Leonardo Da Vinci 

"He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying."  ~Friedrich Nietzsche

Time

Today is Tuesday and I now only have 3 more radiation treatments to go. It is funny how time seems to have slowed way down. I thought last week was a long week ,but this weekend, Monday and today have gone on forever. I had another dear friend pick me up and go with me. It isn't a real exciting place to go, but it  feels a bit better when you go with a friend.

I can sure tell a difference in me from the first few weeks that I started. It didn't really feel like anything was really happening and so I was talkative and had lots of questions and took the opportunity to meet everyone there. I now catch myself going in,getting dressed and then sitting down waiting for my name to be called. I don't even look around the room as much as I should. I love to make new friends, anywhere and everywhere, but I just feel so sore and tired that I am having a hard time pretending that I am doing well. I did take a moment to see how one of the ladies there is doing. I gave her a book and a card this week because she is just starting radiation and has already gotten an infection. She has a great spirit about her and I have been worried about her. Today when she came in she handed me a box and it had a beautiful book mark in it. What a sweet thing that was for her to do and I will always think of her and pray for her when I use it.

So as the days get longer I need to remember that THIS TO SHALL PASS!   I won't be hurting like this forever. My skin and hopefully my body will heal soon. Hopefully I have learned the things that I was suppose to learn on this part of my journey, I sure hope so. Thank you for hanging in there with me and supporting me and my family. This has been a tough road and I know the reason that I have made it this far is because of friends and family like you. I need to head to bed and so I will leave you with a couple of great quotes on time and one of my favorite scriptures on time. It  helps me gain perspective! Night!

"Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely."   ____Rodin (1840-1917)

 

"Time is a companion that goes with us on a journey. It reminds us to cherish each moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we have lived."                                 __ Captain Jean-Luc Picard

 

For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

O.G.T. (One good thing)

Today is Monday and I knew when I got up. that this is my last week of radiation...thank goodness. Everyone that talks to me and reminds me that I just have a little bit longer to go, they even act excited. I know that they want me to be excited too, but for some reason ...I am not. I am hurting and realize that the burning of my skin is still going to be going on for at least a couple of weeks. So yes, technically I only have this week left but as for the pain...I still have a while and that is hard to think about.

I am reading a book called RECOVERING CHARLES by Jason Wright, it is an interesting story and it does keep my mind off of the pain. Can't really seem to focus on anything these last few days. The story is about a boy and the struggles that he has had in his life. His mom and dad both had huge challenges in their lives and the whole book is about how they handled them ( or didn't handle them) and the effect that this had on him his whole life. Parents have such a major impact on their kids whether they believe it or not, good and bad.

The story goes back and forth from the present to the past and one of the things that I liked in my reading today was when he talks about how when he was young that it was tradition over the dinner table in their family to tell O.G.T. (One Good Thing) about their day, no matter how bad it was. That was a positive thing for him and continued to be throughout his adult life. I thought about that O.G.T., it is important to remember and sometimes focus on that, especially if it was a tough day.

So today I will try and remember that before I close this post. I was almost late today when my friend came to pick me up, now I am guessing... it is because it isn't a place that I want to go. If she was picking me up to head to a Quilt Shop then I imagine that I would have been ready and waiting at the door!  :)

I wasn't sure what today was going to be like exactly, it was long and different. Better....not really! Worse...not really! They started out marking my incision area, then the Dr. came in and looked to make sure that all the calculations were right and he also checked my skin. "You're skin is having quite a reaction isn't it? Well, the good thing is, when it is bad like that then there is a much higher chance that you won't ever have a reoccurrence in that area again." He then proceeded to tell me how long it continues to burn before it heals and then he left. The tech's then went ahead and did the radiation, then did the tattooing on me and some more markings and some more films and headed me on my way.

So it was a bit longer and just different today. There was one lady in the waiting room that I met last week and she seems like a real sweetheart. She got an infection I think her first week in radiation. She hasn't been feeling well and so I brought her a card and a book from the chapel called WE CARRY EACH OTHER. I hope she wasn't offended by it. I only thought that it would give her a little more hope and support. The stories in there (like I have mentioned before) are wonderful, honest and enlightening. I don't know, at least that is what it did for me! You never want to step across the line with people and their believes, but usually when it comes to Cancer, you are safe to mention God...because everyone is either, relying on Him to be there or hoping that their is one. Crisis seem to do that to a person, they push you to know what value system you believe in and fast. Anyway, I hope that it gives her some comfort and hope, she still has a long way to go.

I came home and went straight to bed, laying down isn't that comfortable but it is better than being up and having my arm move back and forth, creating friction on my burnt skin. Now everyone is starting to head home, I need to go but I do need to leave with O.G.T. for the day, even though the day isn't over.I guess my ONE GOOD THING would be... that I have a great family, wonderful friends and a knowledge that everything happens for a reason. Those things give me strength to continue when I don't think I can or don't want to. For that I am grateful . Thanks!

P.S.   "Some days I wish that I could put on my magical shoes,click my heels a few times and then be transferred to another place and another time....wonder where I could get a pair of those shoes?" 

"Imagination is more important than knowledge. For while knowledge defines all we currently know and understand, imagination points to all we might yet discover and create." __Albert Einstein

"Or maybe I just need a magical wand like my granddaughter has, she looks more than ready to go to another place and time. Imagination is a wonderful thing, too bad we lose some of that when we grow up. I have got to find out where to get one of those wands too!" :)

 

"To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe." ___Antole France

Choices

I missed writing in my blog yesterday, for some reason I was wiped out and never quite did enough... to talk about. Today is Sunday and the day of the week that I always look forward to, it is a day that I can recharge my Spiritual Batteries. But because I am in such pain with this radiation burn, I didn't make it today or last week. Many of you are probably thinking "what's the big deal?" but it is a big deal. I love Sundays, I love being able to go to church with my family to be able to friendship with others, to listen to the lessons there (which I always seem to need in my life) and just to renew that BREAK FROM THE WORLD and all it's problems. Sundays are also our Family Day, where we try to spend more time with each other, time that is harder to find throughout the week.

So I stayed in bed most of the morning and read, that was the 2nd best choice I guess. One article that I was reading was about CHOICES, it reminded me that each of us has the God-given right to choose what he or she will believe and do. How grateful I am that we live in a country where our individual freedom isn't restricted. It then gave a quote from Benjamin Franklin on choices. It is quite long but...worth it!

"WE STAND AT CROSSROADS, EACH MINUTE, EACH HOUR, EACH DAY, MAKING CHOICES. WE CHOOSE THE THOUGHTS WE ALLOW OURSELVES TO THINK, THE PASSIONS WE ALLOW OURSELVES TO FEEL, AND THE ACTIONS WE ALLOW OURSELVES TO PERFORM. EACH CHOICE IS MADE IN THE CONTEXT OF WHATEVER VALUE SYSTEM WE'VE SELECTED TO GOVERN OUR LIVES. IN SELECTING THAT VALUE SYSTEM, WE ARE, IN A VERY REAL WAY, MAKING THE MOST IMPORTANT CHOICE WE WILL EVER MAKE.

"THOSE WHO BELIEVE THERE IS ONE GOD WHO MADE ALL THINGS AND WHO GOVERNS THE WORLD BY HIS PROVIDENCE WILL MAKE MANY CHOICES DIFFERENT FROM THOSE WHO DO NOT. THOSE WHO HOLD IN REVERENCE THAT BEING THAT GAVE THEM LIFE AND WORSHIP HIM THROUGH ADORATION, PRAYER, AND THANKSGIVING WILL MAKE MANY CHOICES DIFFERENT FROM THOSE WHO DO NOT. THOSE WHO BELIEVE THAT MANKIND ARE ALL OF A FAMILY AND THAT THE MOST ACCEPTABLE SERVICE OF GOD IS DOING GOOD TO MAN WILL MAKE MANY CHOICES DIFFERENT FROM THOSE WHO DO NOT. THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN A FUTURE STATE IN WHICH ALL THAT IS WRONG HERE WILL BE MADE RIGHT WILL MAKE MANY CHOICES DIFFERENT FROM THOSE WHO DO NOT.

"THOSE WHO SUBSCRIBE TO THE MORALS OF JESUS WILL MAKE MANY CHOICES DIFFERENT FROM THOSE WHO DO NOT." Franklin concludes:

"SINCE THE FOUNDATION OF ALL HAPPINESS IS THINKING RIGHTLY, AND SINCE CORRECT ACTION IS DEPENDENT ON CORRECT OPINION, WE CANNOT BE TOO CAREFUL IN CHOOSING THE VALUE SYSTEM WE ALLOW TO GOVERN OUR THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS.

"AND TO KNOW THAT GOD GOVERNS IN THE AFFAIRS OF MEN, THAT HE HEARS AND ANSWERS PRAYERS, AND THAT HE IS A REWARDER OF THEM THAT DILIGENTLY SEEK HIM, IS INDEED, A POWERFUL REGULATOR OF HUMAN CONDUCT."

How grateful I was when I read that article, it was just what I needed. Today I had been feeling quite sorry for myself and for the challenges that I have had in my life. Pain and sickness have made up a large part of my life, sometimes I catch myself (like today) not being about to see past the DARK CLOUD that seemed to be over me. I notice when I start feeling like that, then my thoughts seem to hit a downward spiral at quite an alarming speed. Then the WHAT IF thoughts come and they indeed are very toxic! I actually said to Jeff tonight "what if I never get to do anything else in my life but fight Cancer? " What if this radiations doesn't get it all?" What if I never get my health back?" By that time the tears were falling and I felt a real sense of HOPELESSNESS. Jeff's response was " now that doesn't sound like the Lynn I know and love, my wife doesn't give up, she is usually full of HOPE!" He was right, I usually don't let challenges get me down for long, but it seems at the end of the day, my burn is worse and I believe that the pain ...clouds my judgement, I am so tired and so tired of hurting.

I had to remember that article and great quote by Benjamin Franklin. It is my choice every day to believe in God or not. To believe that He will help me and sustain me through my trials or not. To believe that He knows me personally and what I am going through, He hasn't forgotten me and that He will answer my prayers or not. I need to remember the value system that I have and to get back up every time I get so down like this. Today and tonight I haven't been able to see past my problems and worries. I can't imagine right now dreaming of anything. I do know that it is my choice to stay with these thoughts or replace them with my healthier ones, ones filled with hope! And so I will. Today is almost over, I will try again tomorrow to think thoughts that keep me in a safe and happy place. Thoughts will happen, but it is what I decide to do with them that makes all the difference.

So thanks for continuing to stay with me through this roller coaster journey of mine. What a ride! I sure appreciate you hanging in there with me. Good night!

It's finally Friday!

The day started out great because my dear friend came to pick me up and we headed off to radiation. When I went in for the treatment the tech said to me "well Lynn, are you excited this is your last treatment to your under arm area, next week will just be the incision sight?" Normally, I am way more happy, but my energy is barely there and I think I just mumbled something like "Yeah".  I just am so done with all of this.

When my friend dropped me off, she came in for a minute and gave me a gift. It was a PRAYER SHAWL that she had knitted for me. I have some talents, but KNITTING isn't one of them. What a beautiful piece of art work it was. She is amazingly talented. I do realize how long things like that take to make, and that made it even more special. I do know that even though I feel so drained and burnt to a crisp that .... I am blessed to have so many dear friends.

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."    ___author unknown

All of you remind me that I still am a fighter and that I can beat this, when some days...I wonder if I will make it or not! That's what friends are for, so I will try to remember how strong I am, even on days like these when I feel so tired, weak and sore. This same dear friend, reminded me that when it comes to making changes and getting better help for other women who face this disease, that I am the one for the job. She said "Lynn, you are the spoon, you are the spoon that is going to stir things up and get things done." I took that as a compliment. I know many people probably think I am a POT STIRRER but for some reason this being called a SPOON, sounded better.

“ It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” Mark Twain

So thanks again for believing in me. I know I am almost at the end, actually only 5 days left, I am just going to try and hang on .

Good night!

I am not alone!!!

Today I woke up to snow, that was a surprise! We basically turned our TV off a few years ago and it has been a positive influence in our family. It is amazing how much more time we have for each other and for doing the things we love. The down side is that we don't always know the weather that is coming. I always check the news from my computer to stay up with the latest but I am gratefully, missing a lot of the garbage that was being brought into our home through the TV. I tease my friends that if there is going to be a Sunami or something, please call and warn me:) I felt like that this morning when I opened the window, didn't see that one coming. Better start checking the weather too each day!

A dear friend of mine dropped me off to treatment, took the kids to school and then picked me back up. I have to admit, I have the best friends in the world! What a treat it is to be with them and feel their sweet spirits and know how much they love and support me.

Most of the afternoon, I laid down because my neck and head hurt from trying to hold my arm away from my body. It is harder than it looks. The kids have rigged up putting two pillows under my left arm and then tying on a strap around my body to hold it in place. It is sorta working, but still I catch myself trying to hold up that arm. I didn't realize how much I used my left arm until you can't or don't want to use it. It was sore after my mastectomy but this is even a different type of a sore, because it is a burn! I will go to see my Physical Therapist tomorrow and see if maybe she has something better to offer me. I looked in the mirror again today and now not only saw, a tired worn out lady with hair that is always messed up from laying down so much. But now that lady has no prosthetic or padding on at all, so her whole left side is flat as can be and now she has 2 pillows tied to her side and a bright green strap around that and her waist...I am getting weirder looking every day!  Funny what you will do to survive. We were suppose to have a couple of people visit us tonight but I just didn't feel up to it. I am sure they understood. Lauren was sweet enough to make dinner and that is about all that I accomplished today. Hard to do much with 2 big pillows attached to your side!

After dinner I talked to a dear friend of mine for a while on the phone. What a treat to talk to her and hear her sweet voice again.It has been quite a while since we have talked. She has since had a baby and so we talked a lot about the joys and frustrations of motherhood and how much multi-tasking is involved. Motherhood truly is much tougher than it looks, but oh ....how it is sooooooooooooo worth every minute of it!

"You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back. " ~William D. Tammeus

I also received in the mail a book from a dear friend back East. It is a book of quotes, (she must know how I love them) and it was just a treat to get in the mail. I really wouldn't mind doing a quote book some day myself, with all of Lauren's beautiful photos.  Friendships...how truly grateful I am for them. Nice to know that none of us have to go through life alone!

"Friends are the most important ingredient in this recipe of life."

And so I think I will head to bed, wish I had more inspiring things to talk about today. Some days it is just getting through it. Not bad, not good ...just what it is! Thanks for being there!

"While life is meant to test, challenge, and strengthen us, if we are attempting to negotiate the twists and turns and ups and downs of mortality alone, we're doing it wrong. Mortality is a test, but it is an open book test. We have access not only to the divine text but to Him who authored it."  ___Sheri Dew

Day #26 or I should say only 7 more to go!

I decided today that it would be more encouraging to ME if I said how many treatments I have left, instead of how many I have had. Someone asked me if I can feel the radiation treatment, no not really... but it is a lot like when you go to the dentist office and you are in the waiting room,  you hear the drill going down the hallway and your teeth sorta hurt. It is not really happening to you ...but you feel something. Now I am not saying anything bad about my Dentist, because he and his staff have been wonderful. I was just simply trying to explain the sensation. (They are probably wishing that I could have come up with a better comparison...sorry:)

Amy and Angie drove me today and it's always a bit more fun with Angie around. When one of the staff said hi to her, she told them she wanted to go get her strawberry shake, it's good she said. She is talking about the ENSURE that is supplied there for us in the waiting room. She thinks that is great!

As we were leaving the hospital today I felt impressed to go by the office of SPIRITUAL CARE and make sure that they got the thank you note that I left them in the chapel on Monday. What a treat it was to meet the ladies there and to just personally thank them and the whole staff for the book that I received and for the whole chapel experience, it really has made a difference. Then later this evening I had the lady from the Patient Advocate staff call me and I really felt like she was going to make my voice heard, when I told her about  some of the experiences and challenges I have had through this whole ordeal.  Every one comes up with their own survival techniques when they are suffering, hopefully by sharing those ...someone else won't have to suffer quite as much. I pray that I can some how, help and truly make a difference. The changes that I would like to see aren't big but important and I feel necessary, in order to make life and the whole cancer experience just a little better the women who come after me.

This is my second battle with Cancer, I  pray it will be my last... but I just know that I am suppose to tell my story, to try and come up with things and better ways that will help others through this terrible disease. I felt energized after talking to these women today ...why?  Maybe because I feel like I am being heard. I don't mean to complain as much, as I just don't want other women to have to go through some of the same things that I went through. There needs to be more knowledge given to these ladies and options for ways to help heal the body and the soul.

I noticed today when I looked in the mirror how tired and worn out I looked. I noticed how WELL DONE my chest area looks, it is hard to even imagine that it can burn any more. I can tell that my whole body is on alert, because of the burn and the pain. It feels like it is working overtime to try and heal it. I really don't want to do 7 more treatments but I will and I pray with all my heart that it will work, that the microscopic cancer cells (if there were any left in there) are dead now and that my body will not have too many lasting side effects from the treatment. I know that I am in the trenches now and I am going to have to rely on my Heavenly Father and family and friends to finish the end of this battle.

I also know that my life will never be the same because of this experience, I really feel like I will be able to do more motivational speaking, finally get the book that I am working on finished and hopefully be able to be an active part of HEALTHY CHANGES that will be made for the women in the future.  Tragedies seem to have a way of pointing you in the right direction, maybe it is because when something like this happens, your priorities change and so does your vision. You see life much clearer and realize that there isn't a moment to lose. Thanks again for everything you have done for me and my family. Good night!

"Discovering the ways in which you are exceptional, the particular path you are meant to follow, is your business on this earth, whether you are afflicted or not. It's just that the search takes on a special urgency when you realize that you are mortal."   _____Bernie S. Siegel, M.D.

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens"   ____Carl Jung

 

"Vision is the art of seeing the invisible."   ___Jonathan Swift

Friendships

Today  was my 25th treatment. I am struggling to lay still now when I get the treatment, because it is stretching and cracking my skin more each time. I did talk to the nurse today to make sure that I will be done by next Friday March 6th, she said yes. I just don't want any surprises. I have 3 treatments left that are going to radiate both areas and then starting next week they just focus solely on the incision site. There are a couple of reasons for that, one because scar tissue is denser than regular skin so they want to make sure they kill any cells that are in that area, two is because that is the area that was opened up and has a higher chance of having cancer return there. I asked approximately how much worse will I get and for how long? She mentioned that I still might get some blistering if my skin continues to react as it has already. She also said that the burning of the skin can continue  up to 7 -10 days after the treatments stop, after that you should see the skin settle down and SLOWLY start to heal after that.

My dear friend took me today, since I am no longer driving and afterwards she brought us lunch. She also made me a Pink Tote with all the pink accessories. So now even though I may not feel good at least I will look good! She is an amazingly talented lady, we have been friends for years and actually were partners in the craft fairs for years together. Then my body started falling apart and I had to quit the business but she is still going strong. Together we are trying to come up with GIFTS FROM THE HEART, for anyone that has been touched by cancer. I really think they can make a difference! I will give you more information as we go along. How blessed I am to have such great friends!

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."    ____Anais Nin

Tonight is Lee's basketball play offs and I want to be there soooo bad. Poor kid, he never hardly has his mom at his games cheering for him.I just haven't had the energy. It is a late game and so I decided to write early today so maybe I can go take a nap and then be rested enough to go to at least part of his game. This sounds awful but I feel tired just thinking about being there and then also I am uncomfortable going anywhere without Sally or Mrs. Doubtfire. Oh well, it is a small sacrifice for me (the mom) to make. I pray that I can come up with the energy tonight to make it.

"Courage doesn't always roar.  Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow"  ~Mary Anne Radmacher

I hope each of you are doing well in your life? I talk about my life so much, please don't think that I don't wonder about you and pray that you have the strength to handle what life is giving you. Take care and thanks again for all your cards, letters, calls, meals, gifts,e-mails and prayers. They make such a difference in our lives!

"True friends... bring out the HERO in us!"   ___Lynn Woodard

I wish.....

Remember when we were little and we blow on these flowers and made a wish?  I wish... that today was my last treatment,  I wish...that we were 20 years in the future where there would be better alternatives available for Cancer survivors,  I wish...that I could still drive and felt good enough to do so,  I wish... I could live long enough to make some significant changes in the way women are educated and treated about cancer, and last I wish...that I could properly thank all of you that have been there with me every step of the way.

Today was my 24th radiation treatment, Amy and Angie took me today. It was nice to see how the people in the waiting room lit up when Angie came in. One lady said, "she sure is a breath of fresh air", kids...have a way of doing that best. After my treatment I had to meet with the Doctor and the nurses, you do that every Monday so that they can check your skin and see how you are doing? After he saw mine and asked me how I felt? He then asked me what I was putting on my skin? He mentioned the expensive cream, I said no, and that I really think someone should have told me before hand that it was not covered my insurance. I wasn't trying to be mean but honestly I didn't have the energy to go and get that prescription anyway, much less find out after all that, that it wasn't covered by insurance. I did mention what cream I was putting on it and he said that some other  ladies had told him that. I asked why no one knew more about it?  He mentioned that they probably should have and it was then, that I reached into my purse and pulled out the paper that I had typed up with all the information about the company and how they could contact them. I am not sure what they thought about it all but gee, it does seem that the one hand doesn't know what the other is doing sometimes and that is frustrating. Anyway, before I left he gave me a prescription (that is covered by insurance) it is a antibiotic since the burn is getting bad. They don't want that to get infected...neither do I !

My new friend that I made last week, had her last appointment today. She is a neat lady and I only wished that we would have met sooner, she had a great spirit about her. I did give her a card with my email so maybe we will keep in touch. Later after I came home today a dear friend came by to visit and bring lunch. What a treat, especially since I am going to be home bound for a while. I didn't get my nap in till late, so we had a very late dinner and then Family Night. We played a new game... Apples to Apples, it was really fun and great for all of us to laugh so much together. We really needed that!

Need to head to bed, I knew that I wouldn't be sleepy after napping that late. Thanks for your continued friendship! Good night dear friends!

"SOMETIMES OUR LIGHT GOES OUT BUT IS BLOWN INTO FLAME BY ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. EACH OF US OWES DEEPEST THANKS TO THOSE WHO HAVE REKINDLED THIS LIGHT."    ___ Albert Schweitzer

 

"Each of us will experience over our lifetime physical pain, emotional anguish, heartache, grief, even betrayal in one form or another. If we attempt to deny the problem or to cover it with a facade of forced sweetness and light, we imperil both ourselves and each other ~ ourselves because we deny the healing that can result from the love, strength, and insights of true friends ~ and each other because people then assume we are our facade and feel even more isolated with their problems." _____Mary Stovall

 

Perspective

Today is Sunday and since I already wrote early this morning I decided to just share a story with you. I hope I haven't already given it to you, but it is an amazing one. Perspective is a wonderful thing and something that is easy to lose on days when life seems too tough. I didn't make it to church today, it is going to be hard to go out in public without any prosthetic or Mrs. Doubtfire on. But they both hurt too bad to be worn on raw skin. I am already dreading going out tomorrow for my treatment, but I don't think I really have any other choice. For those of you that usually see me, please know that I would rather be out and about... than cooped up in my house. But unless we can come up with a jacket that is already pre-padded, I think I will be staying in for awhile. I am telling you... with all the wonderful inventions that there are in the world, you would think that someone would come up with items to aid us (cancer survivors). Maybe I will do it myself some day?

Have a great evening and thanks again for all your love and support!

 

                              HOSPTIAL WINDOWS                                     Author Unknown  

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs.
His bed was next to the room's only window.
The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end.  They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.
And every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window. 
The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color of the rainbow.  Grand old trees graced the landscape, and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.
As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.
One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.  Days and weeks
passed.
One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep.  She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window.  The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the world outside.  Finally, he would have the joy of seeing it for himself.
He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall.  The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.
She said,  "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage  you."

 

"Vision is the art of seeing the invisible."   ____Jonathan Swift

"The most pathetic person in the world is someone who has sight, but has no vision."  ___Helen Keller

Prayer

It is 5:00am and I can't sleep from the pain under my arm. I keep getting up and putting more cream on it and hoping it will stop hurting enough to let me get some sleep. I decided to get up instead of keeping moving around and wake Jeff up too. What a great man and friend he is. He really should get some type of medal for putting up with me all these years.

All my life I have been taught how to pray. I knew I had a Heavenly Father that loved me and so prayer was important to me, that was my access to Him. I was never really close to my Dad, but he taught me what it was like to really pray and for that I am eternally grateful. I have mentioned to you before that my oldest brother was hurt in Vietnam. I can still remember 40 years ago when I came home from school and as a family we prayed for the first time since we had been told he was hurt. We were too far away from him, all we could do was pray. Now that I am a parent I realize even more what faith my Dad must have had, to offer up that family prayer.

As we all knelt around our bed, my Dad offered the prayer. He literally begged and pleaded with the Lord for my brother to live, we were all crying. It was one of the most sincere prayers that I had ever heard, at least as a 10 year old. Right after he said amen, he asked us to close our eyes again and mentioned that we needed to say another prayer. ( if I have told this story before, just excuse me) So we knelt down again, tears streaming down our faces. This time my Dad almost said the exact prayer except at the end he said "but Thy will be done". I remember what an effect that had on me as a 10 year old and the effect that it has on me now as a mom. Saying THY will be done means it could go either way, that takes a lot of faith to trust the LORD enough to let Him make the right choice. ( which He will anyway)  We didn't want our brother to leave us, but we knew that his life was out of our hands and so we just  prayed that the best thing for him would happen. And it did, it was a LONG road for him, but he did survive and thrive. He is a husband, father, grandfather, teacher and coach, yes...he did survive!

Now 40 years later, still remembering that valuable lesson from my Dad. I am trying to have the faith to place all that I am going through to my Heavenly Father. He knows how much I can endure and not endure. He knows what I am suppose to do here upon the earth, He knows that, but here in the dark; in my little part of the universe...I am not so sure I know? I even worry that after all these grueling treatments, will the Cancer still come back? What other side effects might come from these treatments? I have never been afraid to die, I know many people are but that has never been a fear of mine. My fear is what I may be asked to live through? And will I be strong enough to handle it?

I read a article on PRAYER the other day and it reminded me of things I needed to hear, and things obviously I need to remember right now!

"WE LIVE IN TROUBLED TIMES. DOCTOR'S OFFICES ARE FILLED WITH INDIVIDUALS WHO ARE BESET WITH EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS AS WELL AS PHYSICAL DISTRESS. DIVORCE COURTS ARE OVERFLOWING BECAUSE PEOPLE HAVE UNSOLVED PROBLEMS. HUMAN RESOURCE ADMINISTRATORS IN GOVERNMENT AND INDUSTRY WORK LONG HOURS IN EFFORT TO ASSIST PEOPLE WITH THEIR PROBLEMS.

ONE HUMAN RESOURCE OFFICER ASSIGNED TO HANDLE PETTY GRIEVANCES CONCLUDED AN UNUSUALLY HECTIC DAY BY PLACING FACETIOUSLY A LITTLE SIGN ON HIS DESK FOR THOSE WITH UNSOLVED PROBLEMS. IT READ, "HAVE YOU TRIED PRAYER?"

WHAT HE MAY NOT HAVE REALIZED WAS THAT IS SIMPLE COUNSEL WOULD SOLVE MORE PROBLEMS, ALLEVIATE MORE SUFFERING, PREVENT MORE TRANSGRESSION, AND BRING GREATER PEACE AND CONTENTMENT IN THE HUMAN SOUL THAN COULD BE OBTAINED IN ANY OTHER WAY."  _____Thomas S. Monson

One of my favorite scriptures is in Proverbs 3:5-7 TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL THINE HEART; AND LEAN NOT UNTO THINE OWN UNDERSTANDING. IN ALL THY WAYS ACKNOWLEEDGE HIM AND HE SHALL DIRECT THY PATHS.

I know these things are true, it is just here in the early hours of the morning and  in pain, that I need to remind myself of them. I will try to keep the faith, keep fighting and keep believing that somehow ...I will live to tell about this. Thank you for your PRAYERS, I feel them and I am so grateful for them!

"Prayer is more than meditation. In meditation, the source of strength is one's self. When one prays, he goes to a source of strength greater than his own."   Madame de Stael

"The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature." ____Anne Frank

What a long day!

It is funny how the days seem longer when you feel bad. It is almost 6:00pm and I am just now putting my face on and doing my hair. It seems like any type of movement is really hurting my arm, having it just raw like that is making me not want to move it at all. It is interesting to me how hard pain is on the body and the soul. I wonder if those who have good health really know how lucky that are? Sometimes when I see people who just come and go where ever they please, I wonder what that would be like? To me, every thing has a price to pay. If I go here for a hour or two, then I am down a day or two. I have to change my thinking and go back to all those  who have so much less than I, their limitations are far worse and then I remember not to complain or to envy others. So today will be a short entry. I saw the beautiful sun for almost 3 days now out my window. I didn't get to go out and enjoy it but...I was grateful to look at it and hope that some day my days will be shorter and full again! I have to keep telling myself these quotes to remind me that everything has a purpose. This one with Angie in it, the girls gave me framed for Christmas, so it is on my wall to remind me every day to keep my perspective.

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."   ___ M. Scott Peck

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."   ____Anne Bradstreet

Thanks for always being there!

Validation!

A dear friend sent this to me when I was having such a bad day this week. It is long but very worth it!  I hope you find the time to check it out. Have a great Saturday!

Love, Lynn

A friend of yours highly recommends you read this "health" article:    -  Yes, health!http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2009/02/17/Validation--a-Fable-About-the-Magic-of-Free-Parking.aspx

"We can never escape the influence that we have on others!"   ___Thomas S. Monson

Friday Angels

Every Friday one of my dear friends comes and takes me to my treatments and anywhere else I need to go. Now that I am getting so sore, it really helps me out. I am glad for the time that we get to spend together. Life some times has a way of just getting so busy that you miss the special things...going through something like Cancer seems to help bring priorities back into focus.

Today at my therapy, I spoke to one of the other survivor's there and she brought her $85.00 cream to put on after her treatment. Since her appointment is after mine, she mentioned that I should try her cream. So after my 23rd session I put on her cream. It is suppose to have numbing agents in it but honestly, I couldn't feel any difference. Glad that I tried that before I bought something that costs that much. I still have issue's with that whole expensive cream deal, but I always thought that the least they could do is give out samples to see if survivor's could really feel the difference, then they could make the decision whether to sink that much money into something like that. Today when I put my arms above my head to get into position for radiation, I felt two more areas crack open underneath my arm, it is getting harder and harder to hold still, hurting this much.

I got to go to my chiropractor today, it hurt to be adjusted (from a skin point of view) but man, does it ever give me relief for my back and neck. I can tell that I am favoring my arm by the way I have to hold it up and away from my body,(it looks as if I am getting ready to sing the I'M A LITTLE TEA POT song) that in turn hurts my neck...oh well, some days I struggle to see how this poor body will ever make it to my 50th birthday!

When I got home today and after I took my nap, I had another Angel visit. She came in with a van full of food, flowers, aloe plant and anything else that she thought my family needed. It was another one of those times that  you can't imagine how you could ever say THANKS enough! The kids were so excited to see that much food, that you would have thought it was Christmas around here. Jeff said to me  after she left..."Lynn, you are truly a RICH women to have so many BEST FRIENDS who love and support you!" He was right!

The pain is getting so bad that I have realized that I am no longer going to be able to wear my MRS. DOUBTFIRE OUTFIT (camisole). It isn't as tight as a bra, but it is still made of lycra and tight enough under my arm to make it almost unbearable now. I realize by making this decision that I probably won't be out in public as much. Maybe no one will care, but it is obvious when you only have one breast and I don't want to make other people uncomfortable. I honestly don't know if I am there yet, to do something like that. I wish it was colder so maybe I could just wear a big coat around everywhere. But also because the burn is getting so bad, I am nervous about even having the seat belt on me and afraid of getting a hug now from anyone.

I need to keep reminding myself ...THAT THIS WON'T LAST FOREVER!

"From a moment to moment, one can bear much."   ___Teresa of Avila

I will focus on the service and love that has been shown to me and my family. I am sore, I am tired, I am hurting but...I am blessed to  have soooooo many ANGELS all around me. Thank you for everything from your thoughts, prayers to phone calls, rides and meals....yes, I am truly RICH!!!!!!

"Compassion for me is just what the word says it is: it is "suffering with." it is an immediate participation in the suffering of another to such a degree that you forget yourself and your own safety and act spontaneously."  ___Joseph Campbell

"The joy that compassion brings is one of the best-kept secrets of humanity. It is a secret known only to very few people, a secret that has to be rediscovered over and over again."   ____Henri J. M. Nouwen

War Wounds

Well, yesterday I got a sweet email from a friend and this is the part that I thought was interesting, this is what she said...

"I hate hearing the skin is cracking and open and the pain that is causing but as awful as it is it means the radiation is working it’s number on the cancer.  What a war you’re in.  Nobody chooses war but thankfully you have a weapon to fight it and unfortunately that means war wounds."

I guess that I never really thought of it like that, but it was a much more positive way to look at it, than I have lately. How grateful I am for that insight, for friends that continue to support me and encourage during this battle with cancer.

Today has been a real struggle, I had my 22nd treatment and I am hurting and I am also having one of those BIGGER THAN ME days! I can't seem to talk at all without crying. I had to be careful in the radiation room not to think about things too much, because if I did cry, there is no way that you can move at all to wipe your tears or anything, so I just tried to not think for the 15 minutes that I was on the table.

I left radiation and went back to the waiting room and said hi to one of the ladies that I have seen a couple of times there. We talked for a minute and I found out that she is at the end of her treatments. She had chemo before, so she thought radiation was much easier than that. We talked about our skin and she said that she was really sore too. She had purchased the $85.00 cream and said that it seems to be working ok. I mentioned my concern about those of us that couldn't afford the cream and how there should be more options for us. She was so cute, she said "you can have some of mine". I don't want any of you to think we are so poor that I can't get cream. It just is that we are putting our money into supplements to build up my immune system plus I think it is terrible that insurance doesn't pay for that and that it costs that much. If it is something that all radiation patients need because of the side effects of the treatments then....there ought a be a way for  people to afford it. I get angry when I think of all the money that is made off of cancer patients! I am working with the patient advocate person at the hospital to help make some of these issues come to the fore front and be addressed. But today... I don't feel like fighting the battle. I don't have the energy to talk to one more person, maybe tomorrow I will, because I feel so passionate about helping people survive cancer. But for today I am done, I don't want to have cancer any more. I don't want to go to any more treatments, I don't want to always have to take a nap. I would like to just worry about normal things, what to have for dinner, plan our next family vacation but... all that seems so far away. 

After talking for a minute to my new friend I went straight to the chapel and there once again, took the time I needed to cry,ponder and pray. How grateful I am for that facility that someone designed and built. I got a book there and it is all about getting through life's toughest times it is called WE CARRY EACH OTHER what to say, what to do, how to care with compassion. It is by Eric and Sharon Langshur with Mary Beth Sammons  It is full of real people's stories and struggles and how they got through them with the help of friends and family. I was impressed by the stories, probably because most of them I can relate to. So  I will just share a few things from the book, I am pretty sure it will be more uplifting than my thoughts....just for today.

"Illness offers an extraordinary and at times frightening vantage point from which to view the terrain of one's life." ____Kat Duff

"In the dark times, the eye begins to see. The dark times in life are not our enemy. Dark times empty the world of things that would otherwise distract us from seeing the important things. Enter the darkness with confidence." ____Theodore Roethke

"Too many of us panic in the dark. We don't understand that it's a holy dark and that the idea is to surrender to it and the journey through to real light."   ______Sue Monk Kidd

Once again, thanks for sharing this journey with me!

Lynn

Families are Forever

Today Amy went with me to my appointment. It was nice to just have her there and to introduce her to some of the people that I am with everyday. I went a bit early so that I could give a card to one of the girls there. Today was her last day of treatment. She is a very young mom and has already been through chemo, mastectomy and radiation and she also still had a smile on her face every day. I am constantly amazed at the strength of many of these women. In her card, I told her now that she has beat cancer at such a young age, she can handle anything else that life gives her. I pray that she and her sweet family will be able to heal and go on to have a very healthy and happy life. That is the trick with cancer, not to let it ruin your life or destroy your dreams.

I had a friend yesterday come by and she asked me an interesting question. She said " when you get through with your radiation treatments is...your cancer cured? "  Well, that is the question of the year! I explained to her that no one knows if the cancer is gone or just in some temporary remission. One of the frustrating things about chemo or radiation there isn't a test afterwards that measures, or checks to see if you still have cancer or if your particular treatment got it all. There is way too much guessing when it comes to cancer. So if you ask me when I am done with my treatments...IS YOUR CANCER GONE NOW? I will say yes! You mine as well be positive!

Before dinner I had to go and dig out my flannel pillow and put it under my arm again. It really hurts to put my arm down at all now. When I took off the gel pad this morning after my treatment, more skin keeps peeling off. Gee, I found it hard to do much tonight because of the pain. The hard part is that they want you to stay active and keep using that arm so that it won't get too stiff and you lose mobility in it ,and yet they don't want you to do too much because the movement causes friction between your arm and your side and so...that makes it worse.

I was grateful that John came here after work and we were all able to have dinner together tonight. The only bad part is we miss Brad and Krystal. It's funny, when I get in a lot of pain or really down...I just want all my family near by. I guess because they bring the greatest joy in my life. I was able to talk to Brad and see how his classes are coming along and also Krystal to see what she has been up to? It is fun to be able to talk to her so easy, I am thankful that she is part of our family, she is an amazing girl and so talented and sweet. I only wish that they lived closer so that they could come over for dinner and do some family activities with us. So grateful for cell phones.

Well, I need to head to bed, thank you for being my friends and family. I really do feel your love and support and some days I depend on that MORE than you will ever know. I will leave with a photo of all of us at Brad and Krystal's reception in January. We meant to get more photos, but the evening went by fast, lots of people to visit with and Angie wasn't feeling well at all. But at least we are all together. Good night!

 

"In each family a story is playing itself out, and each family's story embodies its hope and despair."

___Auguste Napier

"Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family:
Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one."  ___Jane Howard

"To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right."  ___Confucius

The meaning of Life!

Last week I think I mentioned to you that I found out where the chapel is in the hospital and that I go in there sometimes after my treatments to think, ponder and pray. I have never seen anyone else in there and it is a beautiful place so I decided to take a few more quiet moments in my day. There is a journal there and so I wanted to share with you what I experienced in there today. It was eye opening, heart wrenching and definitely filled with hope.

The card that sits by the journal said this....

YOU ARE INVITED TO USE THIS JOURNAL TO RECORD YOUR PRAYERS AND REQUESTS FOR PRAYERE. EACH DAY THE REQUESTS ARE GATHERED BY THE CHAPLAIN AND HELD AT THE BEGINNING OF THE DAY. IT IS OUR HOPE THAT YOU MIGHT USE THIS JOURNAL TO SHARE FROM YOUR HEART. AND IN THAT SHARING YOU MANY FIND SUPPORT AND A SENSE OF COMMUNITY WITH WHAT IS SACRED AND HOLY IN YOUR LIFE. ALL OF US HAVE TIMES WHEN WE NEED TO SIMPLY BE HEARD. MAY YOU FIND BLESSING IN THIS PLACE. ____Dept. of Spiritual Care

Here were some of the request and prayers that I read today, I am not trying to be disrespectful for sharing them. I did not add their names but they were so sincere and so honest that I just sat there and cried and realized how very blessed I am, even with having cancer. I really felt like I needed to share them with you and maybe you too can add them to your thoughts and prayers.

Dear God, Only 3 more days of radiation, thank you for the stamina and faith to stay the course...

Please God, give me the strength to make it through chemo and radiation...

Lord, I pray that you will heal my husband and give him strength to endure the next 3 months. He needs your help to heal his body from this infection....

Please Lord help my mom, she is lingering and she needs your help to let her know we will be ok and bring her safely home to you...

Grant me clarity to see your will in my life...

Thanks for  your guiding hand in helping my husband heal. I know we have a long road ahead, I pray for discernment and knowledge...

Please God make my mom come back to us after her stroke...

Dear God, Please bless my mom and dad that they will work on their marriage and bring back those loving feelings...

Help me hear your voice God...

"Suffering and joy teach us, if we allow them, how to make the leap of empathy, which transports us into the soul and heart of another person. ln those transparent moments we know other people's joys and sorrows, and we care about their concerns as if they were our own."   ____Fritz Williams

"People living deeply have no fear of death."  ____Anais Nin

I just wasn't the same when I walked out of that chapel today. I realized that there are many people suffering, many of them much, much more than me and my heart went out to them. I included them in my thoughts and prayers today and hoped that they will find the peace and hope that they needed. On the wall when you come into the chapel there is a saying that goes something like this ....MAY THE PEACE OF THE SPIRIT BLESS YOU....BE STILL AND KNOW.

So when I came out of my 20th treatment and was getting dressed today, I looked at my arm area (which is the reddest and sorest) and realized that the skin is cracking and open now. I was a bit discouraged because it is hurting and uncomfortable most of the time now. Then I went in and sat in that beautiful place that someone was so thoughtful and kind enough to build. I read the heartfelt pleas of so many people that were so real to me that I came away with an appreciation for Life and thankful that I know the meaning of it. I left feeling so thankful for each day and that even though I am doing radiation that I am at least able to come each day and do it. I am grateful for my life, my health and my body. I have so much to be grateful for. This life is a place of learning and today I did a lot of that and my spirit was lifted...I am thankful for LIFE!

The world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it."    _____Helen Keller

P. S. Lauren and Jeff just came back from 3 days in Port Townsend, WA and while she was there she took lots more photos, I was grateful this one fit perfect for my post today. Thank you Lauren, your photos are getting better every day!

Half way there!

Today was my 19th treatment, I am now officially half way through my radiation treatments! I met with the Doctor today, (like I always so on Mondays) and he says that my skin looks like it is holding up well and that he thinks I am doing great. I guess everything is relative...I am pretty sore but according to them, they have seen a lot worse, with much worse fatigue too so.....I am very lucky ...they say. I can't imagine being much more tired but... all in all I guess I am doing well?

I did ask the Doctor today about Physical Therapy stopping and what I can do myself for the swelling under my left arm? That is sore and under the arm there, is what seems to be taking the worst hit from the radiation. That is why any clothing up against there is tough! He suggested some things that I can do on my own, reminded me to continue to wear the arm sleeve and to do my massage every day too! If need be, he said I could start Physical Therapy again later.

I also asked about the brown spots all over the radiation area, on top of being red or pink, I have like dark freckles all over the area, they say that it is just the pigment coming up to the surface, that is really typical. I forgot to ask why it is that you have  occasional stabbing pain in the incision area, they told me it was normal but they didn't tell me what causes it?

Friday I took the prescription in that they gave me for cream for my skin. I was told that they didn't carry it there at this particular pharmacy, so they ordered it for me. When they called today to tell me it hade arrived, then they also said "you were told that this isn't covered on your insurance weren't  you?" I said No, how much is it and then she told me $85.00 for the tube, I told her thanks but I didn't have that kind of money. I will have to talk to the Doctor about that tomorrow. I am telling you again, you can't afford to have Cancer, it is crazy that the very cream they want you to have help heal the effects of radiation are not covered by insurance! I am just going to stick with my ALOE for now. I guess once you get half way, they suggest that you put both on a few times a day.

Well it is late and I just had to at least tell  you that I am on the down hill side of my journey through radiation. I hope( like every thing else in life) that the 2nd half goes faster, it usually does. I am still struggling with my attitude I guess but I am working on that. I need to just continue on!  I need to keep studying because after my radiation treatments are over, I still have some big decisions on how to fight cancer from coming back.  I just want to see if there are other (non destroying ways) to fight cancer. I hope that I can continue to search and pray for other options. Good night dear friends, thanks again ....for always being there!

"What this power is I cannot say; all I know is that it exists and it becomes available only when a man is in that state of mind in which he knows exactly what he wants and is fully determined not to quit until he finds it. "

~ Alexander Graham Bell