I missed writing in my blog yesterday, for some reason I was wiped out and never quite did enough... to talk about. Today is Sunday and the day of the week that I always look forward to, it is a day that I can recharge my Spiritual Batteries. But because I am in such pain with this radiation burn, I didn't make it today or last week. Many of you are probably thinking "what's the big deal?" but it is a big deal. I love Sundays, I love being able to go to church with my family to be able to friendship with others, to listen to the lessons there (which I always seem to need in my life) and just to renew that BREAK FROM THE WORLD and all it's problems. Sundays are also our Family Day, where we try to spend more time with each other, time that is harder to find throughout the week.
So I stayed in bed most of the morning and read, that was the 2nd best choice I guess. One article that I was reading was about CHOICES, it reminded me that each of us has the God-given right to choose what he or she will believe and do. How grateful I am that we live in a country where our individual freedom isn't restricted. It then gave a quote from Benjamin Franklin on choices. It is quite long but...worth it!
"WE STAND AT CROSSROADS, EACH MINUTE, EACH HOUR, EACH DAY, MAKING CHOICES. WE CHOOSE THE THOUGHTS WE ALLOW OURSELVES TO THINK, THE PASSIONS WE ALLOW OURSELVES TO FEEL, AND THE ACTIONS WE ALLOW OURSELVES TO PERFORM. EACH CHOICE IS MADE IN THE CONTEXT OF WHATEVER VALUE SYSTEM WE'VE SELECTED TO GOVERN OUR LIVES. IN SELECTING THAT VALUE SYSTEM, WE ARE, IN A VERY REAL WAY, MAKING THE MOST IMPORTANT CHOICE WE WILL EVER MAKE.
"THOSE WHO BELIEVE THERE IS ONE GOD WHO MADE ALL THINGS AND WHO GOVERNS THE WORLD BY HIS PROVIDENCE WILL MAKE MANY CHOICES DIFFERENT FROM THOSE WHO DO NOT. THOSE WHO HOLD IN REVERENCE THAT BEING THAT GAVE THEM LIFE AND WORSHIP HIM THROUGH ADORATION, PRAYER, AND THANKSGIVING WILL MAKE MANY CHOICES DIFFERENT FROM THOSE WHO DO NOT. THOSE WHO BELIEVE THAT MANKIND ARE ALL OF A FAMILY AND THAT THE MOST ACCEPTABLE SERVICE OF GOD IS DOING GOOD TO MAN WILL MAKE MANY CHOICES DIFFERENT FROM THOSE WHO DO NOT. THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN A FUTURE STATE IN WHICH ALL THAT IS WRONG HERE WILL BE MADE RIGHT WILL MAKE MANY CHOICES DIFFERENT FROM THOSE WHO DO NOT.
"THOSE WHO SUBSCRIBE TO THE MORALS OF JESUS WILL MAKE MANY CHOICES DIFFERENT FROM THOSE WHO DO NOT." Franklin concludes:
"SINCE THE FOUNDATION OF ALL HAPPINESS IS THINKING RIGHTLY, AND SINCE CORRECT ACTION IS DEPENDENT ON CORRECT OPINION, WE CANNOT BE TOO CAREFUL IN CHOOSING THE VALUE SYSTEM WE ALLOW TO GOVERN OUR THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS.
"AND TO KNOW THAT GOD GOVERNS IN THE AFFAIRS OF MEN, THAT HE HEARS AND ANSWERS PRAYERS, AND THAT HE IS A REWARDER OF THEM THAT DILIGENTLY SEEK HIM, IS INDEED, A POWERFUL REGULATOR OF HUMAN CONDUCT."
How grateful I was when I read that article, it was just what I needed. Today I had been feeling quite sorry for myself and for the challenges that I have had in my life. Pain and sickness have made up a large part of my life, sometimes I catch myself (like today) not being about to see past the DARK CLOUD that seemed to be over me. I notice when I start feeling like that, then my thoughts seem to hit a downward spiral at quite an alarming speed. Then the WHAT IF thoughts come and they indeed are very toxic! I actually said to Jeff tonight "what if I never get to do anything else in my life but fight Cancer? " What if this radiations doesn't get it all?" What if I never get my health back?" By that time the tears were falling and I felt a real sense of HOPELESSNESS. Jeff's response was " now that doesn't sound like the Lynn I know and love, my wife doesn't give up, she is usually full of HOPE!" He was right, I usually don't let challenges get me down for long, but it seems at the end of the day, my burn is worse and I believe that the pain ...clouds my judgement, I am so tired and so tired of hurting.
I had to remember that article and great quote by Benjamin Franklin. It is my choice every day to believe in God or not. To believe that He will help me and sustain me through my trials or not. To believe that He knows me personally and what I am going through, He hasn't forgotten me and that He will answer my prayers or not. I need to remember the value system that I have and to get back up every time I get so down like this. Today and tonight I haven't been able to see past my problems and worries. I can't imagine right now dreaming of anything. I do know that it is my choice to stay with these thoughts or replace them with my healthier ones, ones filled with hope! And so I will. Today is almost over, I will try again tomorrow to think thoughts that keep me in a safe and happy place. Thoughts will happen, but it is what I decide to do with them that makes all the difference.
So thanks for continuing to stay with me through this roller coaster journey of mine. What a ride! I sure appreciate you hanging in there with me. Good night!