Struggling

I realized that through this whole thing that there would days that I struggle harder than others, today has been one of the hard ones. Physically, I am healing a bit more each day but mentally I still seem to be suffering more than ever. I think when you have something like this hit  your life, there really is no RIGHT or WRONG way to get through it. Now that my radiation is over, I now have to make a decision for the next part of my game plan. Tomorrow Jeff and I head back to the Cancer Center and meet with my Doctor to see where we go from here? I still need to have a bone scan to make sure that the cancer hasn't gone into my bones. I also have to have a bone density test too, but that has also to do with my age. So I am far from over this whole ordeal.

I will be 50 in July, now age has never been a big deal to me. I personally am just grateful for each year that I get and even more so... now after my cancers. But I do wonder what the next 20-30-years will be like? Will they be as big of trials and testing for me too? Some days I honestly don't believe that I can take much more or at least my poor body can take much more. I wonder what the future will hold or if I even get to worry about the future? I realize that when everyone sees my body heal and my energy return that they will think that I am all better ( so to speak) and ready to go on with life. Funny because, I don't quite feel like I am ready to make big plans or to look that far ahead. I am not trying to dwell on the negative or stay in a fearful state but I am just being honest with my feelings. I wish that I could wake up and just wonder about what to do that day or want to plan something in the near future, I am just not there yet.

I remembered when I had my first cancer and when my surgery and everything was over and I was getting stronger, that it took me awhile to feel SAFE enough to go on with my life. I do believe that is one of the terrible things about CANCER... if you aren't careful it robs your life and your vision for the future. It took a while to be able to stop thinking that any time I hurt anywhere, that it wasn't the cancer returning. Yes, no matter how positive you are or not, those thoughts will come and are very common for us cancer-survivors. When I read my journal from 7 years ago, I realize it didn't stop me from living too long, but it did seem forever. This time has seemed even longer, maybe it is because I have had it twice, who knows?

So before I go on and get you guys all depressed I will add a few quotes that stop for now. Don't worry about me, I will pull through this but it won't be easy. Then again, when has my life been easy? :) Having all of you in my life has made it better and for that I am grateful. Have a great night!

"WHAT WE DO NOT SEE, WHAT MOST OF US NEVER SUSPECT OF EXISTING, IS THE SILENT BUT IRRESISTIBLE POWER WHICH COMES TO THE RESCUE OF THOSE WHO FIGHT ON IN THE FACE OF DISCOURAGEMENT."                 ___Napoleon Hill

" SEEING THAT A PILOT STEERS THE SHIP IN WHICH WE SAIL, WHO WILL NEVER ALLOW US TO PERISH EVEN IN THE MIDST OF SHIPWRECKS, THERE IS NO REASON WHY OUR MINDS SHOULD BE OVERWHELMED WITH FEAR AND OVERCOME WITH WEARINESS."   ___John Calvin