I had another rough night because of my neck and back again. Called the chiropractor back and once again got an appointment to come in this morning. Amy and Angie went with me, so I didn't have to drive. I am driving now but, as little as possible because it still is sore some. Also because when I drive, I do way more than I feel up to doing. If I don't get some sleep during the day, I am really dragging, I tried to lay down some today so I could make it to Lee's first baseball game. Lauren took me and brought me a chair, and I at least got to stay long enough to watch Lee pitch. I hope that I can get the energy to make it to more of his games. Last year I missed quite a few because I had just had Gallbladder surgery and now this. He is a good boy though and acts like it is no problem if I don't feel like coming. But I know that he would like to have his mom there and I would like me to be there more often too!
It feels weird to be among a bunch of people right now. I watched all the parents at the ball game, listened to their conversations and realized that I don't really fit in. As they talk about when the next baseball get-together for the mom's will be or who was going to carpool for the Friday night game. I just wondered if I will think about those things again? All of which seem so ................... I don't know, maybe just lower on my priority list compared to fighting cancer. I need to make myself a schedule of all that I am doing on a daily basis... to actively fight my cancer, so that I can see that I am doing something each day, maybe that would help.
I do realize that the struggle is part of the process and I really am trying to find the positive things out of this whole terrible situation. I will keep trying to find the NEW LYNN, the NEW NORMAL and hopefully when I do, life will settle down and I will be able to focus on other things....like ....ANYTHING!
I am planning to have lunch with the lady from the hospital next week and I am looking forward to that, but just need to get my spirits up a bit more before I do that. I know I need to focus on me and getting myself healed up but I actually think what I need is to do a bit of service, that usually makes me feel lots better.
Legend has it that there was a man who saw a butterfly struggling to get out of its chrysalis. He watched it struggle for a while and then stop. The man thought that it was so difficult for the butterfly to get out that he would make it a little easier. He cut the cocoon just a little, just enough that the butterfly wouldn't have to struggle so much. It worked and the butterfly crawled out easily. He had a big fat body and withered wings. The man stuck around to watch the wings spread, but they never did. Without the struggle of getting out of the chrysalis, the butterfly had not been able to pump enough the fluid from its body into its wings. The struggle was what made the butterfly so beautiful.
"Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. ____Anais Nin
"Life is just a chance to grow a soul." ___A. Powell Davies