Since I was a little girl, I have never had much sense of direction. I even get lost when I come out of the restroom in the store, half the time I head for the stock room. I have been the butt of many jokes because of my NO SENSE OF DIRECTION, actually on top of that it scares me to be lost. I hate that feeling of having no idea where I am or how to get back home. I never really went a long way from home for most of my life so it wasn't that big of deal. When I started to drive, my biggest fear was of going down the wrong road and not knowing how to get back. My mom on the other hand had a great sense of direction but she didn't know how to drive; together... that worked out.
When Amy was in Kindergarten and we had just moved here from West Virginia, Amy's teacher asked me to drive for one of the field trips, most of the moms worked outside their homes and since I was a Stay Home Mom, it just made sense. I sorta mentioned to the teacher that we were new here in the area and that I am famous for getting lost... so I need to make sure to follow someone up and back, she said that was fine. I took Amy and 2 other little girls to the Pumpkin Patch on one of our lovely rainy days. I got there just fine, didn't really worry too much until we headed for home, the weather was getting worse and darker by the minute. I reminded the teacher to have someone watch out for me so I didn't lose them coming back, "Sure" she said. You can probably figure out the rest of the story, the person I was following forgot all about me and once I lost her, that was it. The girls were in the back seat having a great time with their pumpkins and deciding what patterns that wanted for their Jack-o-Lanterns, while I was about to die from fear of being lost, and with someone else's kids no less.
I knew after 20 extra minutes, that we should have been at the turn off and I was beginning to panic. I think the girls could feel it because they began the old familiar question WHY AREN'T WE THERE YET? I began to come up with different reasons and then I heard one of the girls whisper to Amy "Does your Mom know where we are going?" Very proudly and with no hesitation Amy said " Oh she gets us lost all the time!" She had no sooner finished her sentence when one of the girls began to cry and wanted her mommy. Shoot, I would have liked to have my mommy right about then too!
Many times in my life I have thought about that situation, how nervous and scared those little girls were and my Amy was fine with it, because it was "just the way it is" for our family. I have wondered so many times WHERE THE HECK AM I ? and HOW DO I GET HOME? I am sure if I were to ask other survivors they would tell me, this is just part of the journey ( just the way it is ) and that somehow I will figure it all out.
I feel like this last week I have been asking myself this same question a lot lately, WHERE AM I GOING? I am not sure exactly what direction my life is going to take from here, but I am working on that. I don't necessarily want to be on the same road I was before, I want it to be different and probably a more direct route. I tend to get off on the little side roads too often, and so I hope I can be more patient with myself as I try to figure out, WHERE I AM HEADED. I knew the road wouldn't be easy and so I guess for now, this is just part of the journey. I think my family isn't as worried as I am, because somehow I always end up making it home.
"All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware." ___Martin Buber
"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power." ___Alan Cohen
I especially liked this post. I liked how you tied in the personal story of getting lost with Amy (and it just being normal) -- to you feelings now with cancer survivors.
I also loved the girls crying "I want my mommy" and your thinking "I want my mommy too."
we love you Lynn!
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