Monday, March 16, 2009

Pain wears me down

I got up at 4:00 this morning because I couldn't sleep any more from the pain in my back. Saturday when I was visiting some friends of mine, their sweet little daughter crawled over and stood up on my legs. I am telling you she is too sweet and I just bent over and picked her up. She isn't that heavy but... it just doesn't seem to take much,to throw my back off and that is VERY DISCOURAGING to me. Some days I just want to do normal things, without paying such a high price. Well, I knew I had done something to a rib, because it hurt to take a deep breath. I finally called at 8:00 this morning to see if my chiropractor could fit me in and he did. He is a very compassionate man and really wants to see me get back to a more normal life, that is his goal. After he put me back together( I sound like Humpty Dumpty ), I could immediately breath easier and came home and went to bed.

It is weird how pain wears you down. I mean some pain... is one thing, but when you have two or three areas going on at once, I feel like I just can't get up fast enough, before something else knocks me down. I have to admit, I am seriously wondering how much more fight I have in me?  I just don't want to do this any more. I want to be there for Jeff and the kids more. I want to be a better Aunt Lynn, be more active with Angie and so on and so on. I know I need to be patient but wow, how much longer will it be before I get to plan something in my day other than a nap?

I went on a Cancer support website early this morning  and realized all the things I have been thinking and feeling are pretty normal. I wonder why they don't tell you these things when you leave your treatment? I would think that would be a perfect time to introduce these ladies to all the support groups and things that are available. The emotional support doesn't necessarily go away right when you finish your treatment. I found that out, first hand. I still have lingering feelings and concerns about recurrence, self image and what will come next in my life? I went on this and found out more information and even wrote to a few people who are in the middle of their cancer and wanting someone to talk to.

My rash was getting better on Saturday and Sunday but this morning when I woke up it was turning a bit red again and is beginning to get sore again too. I put a call out to my Cancer Doctor, she wasn't in today so...hopefully by tomorrow we will see what is the next step. I do have the antibiotic that my Radiation Oncologist gave me but haven't taken it yet, because I was getting so much better with just using the Hydrocortisone Cream. His concern is that he wanted for me to watch it, because he didn't want it to be an infection on my chest wall...that makes two of us.

Ok, that is all the cheery news I have for you today, I feel like my blog lately has had such a sad feeling to it. I am sorry for that, this is suppose to be a MOTIVATIONAL BLOG but a REALITY BLOG too, so I think you are getting both. I sometimes think I shouldn't write my true feelings but to be honest with you, I know I am suppose to. If there is anyone else out there struggling, I hope if nothing else that they realize they aren't the only one. I also try to continue to put in quotes and things that remind me to NEVER GIVE  UP, I just seem to be reminding myself of that, a lot these days. Hopefully this too shall pass. I will end with the cute photo of that sweet baby that I couldn't resist picking up and a quote or two. Thanks for hanging in there with me, this has not been a short journey at all. You  have been true friends to keep supporting me for so long.  Good night dear friends.

"The secret of success is learning how to use pain and pleasure instead of having pain and pleasure use you. If you do that, you're in control of your life. If you don't, life controls you."    __Anthony Robbins

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."   __Anonymous

"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour,or a day, or a  year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever."    __Lance Armstrong

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