I am wondering if why I have been struggling so hard today to keep my thoughts up and positive, is it because I am just worn out? It started out good with Brad and Krystal but after they left, I seemed to just lay around and I am not sure what I accomplished. My back and neck seem to be hurting a lot worse today, no wonder... I have been sleeping on different beds for almost a week and I have been up and standing a lot longer than usual. I tried to take a nap but couldn't seem to get comfortable. Monday I need to start back on a normal routine of sleep, rest, and walking.
I noticed that the last couple of days I have been struggling with my self esteem. I wondered why that was? I actually had 2 days last week that I actually felt like I looked normal and good. Those days are ones that I remember because I am happier when I feel like that.
Jeff asked me out on a date tonight, we usually go out every Friday but since the reception and flying out of town last week, we have missed a couple of them. I am amazed at Jeff, what a kind and caring man he is. I should never feel ugly or unwanted because... he never treats me like that. I am doing better at getting used to this NEW BODY, but I still struggle some days to see myself WHOLE anymore. How thankful I am that my kids truly look at me WHOLE, I know it has been very hard and scary for them, but they are kind not to stare or act different around me. Jeff honestly still makes me feel beautiful and for that I am ETERNALLY grateful. I know this journey has been for both of us, actually all of us... and they didn't know what was coming either or how to handle things. Jeff has done an amazing job, when I feel like I am never going to be whole again...he reminds me that's not true. So yes, I know I have had a very hard life and many of you have wondered how I keep going, keep fighting,and keep the faith? I am telling you right now it is because of Jeff and these kids.
I realized tonight that the days that I struggle the most, are usually the ones where I have stop DREAMING! I heard a comment on a movie tonight that I could relate to. It was a lady who had a life threatening disease and she wasn't sure how long she had to live. The comment she made was," some days I would love to just go running without hurting or travel without fear of not being able to be near a hospital or be able to get a hold of my doctors. I would love to just get out of my head long enough to enjoy things things again or at least dream about them." I knew what she meant. I can't imagine or dream of ever doing some things again. I can't even imagine not looking over my shoulder to see when and where cancer is going to return. I had almost conquered that fear and felt like I was finally starting to get my life back after cancer 7 years ago, and then in October it returned. I do believe that any major problem or disease can rob you of life... if you aren't careful.
I looked in the mirror tonight and saw a woman scarred from cancer and a woman who is scared of what the future will bring and how long it will be. I realize that this isn't a healthy outlook and I am working on it, but I would suggest to each of you to be grateful for your life, for your health, your family and your friends. Those really are the ONLY things that matter, not what job you have or what material possessions you have. So I will head to bed and try to get some sleep and remember how many blessings I have. I have much to look forward to and I need not to let Cancer or anything stop me from being able to do them. I am grateful that I do not have to fly solo in this life unless I choose to. I appreciate your support and strength!
"THE GREAT NORTHERN GEESE TRAVEL THOUSANDS OF MILES IN PERFECT FORMATION, AND THEREIN LIES THE SECRET. AS EACH OF THE GREAT BIRDS MOVES ITS WINGS, IT CREATES A STEADY UPLIFT FOR THE BIRD BEHIND IT. FORMATION FLYING IS 70 PERCENT MORE EFFECIENT THAN FLYING ALONE."
THE LESSON IS>>>
"PEOPLE WHO SHARE A COMMON DIRECTION AND SENSE OF COMMUNITY CAN GET WHERE THEY"RE GOING QUICKER AND EASIER BECAUSE THEY'RE TRAVELING ON THE STRENGTH OF ONE ANOTHER."
"WHEN ONE OF THE GREAT NORTHERN GEESE FALLS OUT OF FORMATION, IT SUDDENLY FEELS THE DRAG AND RESISTANCE OF TRYING TO FLY ALONE AND QUICKLY REJOINS THE FORMATION TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE LIFTING POWER OF THE BIRD IMMEDIATELY IN FRONT.
THE LESSON IS>>>
"IF WE APPLY THE STRATEGY OF THE GEESE, WE WILL STAY IN FORMATION WITH THOSE WHO ARE AHEAD OF WHERE WE WANT TO GO AND BE WILLING TO ACCEPT THEIR HELP AS WELL AS GIVE IT TO OTHERS."