Today was my 2nd day of radiation and I am still struggling at getting up, getting ready and being at the hospital by 9:20 each day. I know that doesn't seem like a lot to do... but it is for me, I struggle each day with energy and that actually takes more energy than I thought it would each morning. Plus, it doesn't help that I am not sleeping well at night and so I wake up tired. Today I had a person ask me why I wasn't doing chemo? I explained and as I did, I could see in their eyes that it wasn't a good enough explanation for them. I started to go into my whole discussion that I had with my medical oncologist a month or so ago. I was going to explain to them that since my cancer isn't as aggressive as most, that I had a better chance of going without it and then I just stopped and smiled. The next thing that came out of my mouth was " I chose not to do chemo but I did chose to do radiation. Then I ended the conversation and left.
Why do we think that we always have to explain everything to everyone? Probably many of you don't think that way, but for years I used to try to be such a PLEASER and what a waste, that is. I am finally realizing that it is not important what other people think of my choices and decisions. The only person who can really know what choice to make is .....ME! I am the one that has to live with my decision. Everyone is different, everyone's circumstance is different and for sure everyone's body is different. So I now try to remember that myself, not to judge and respect other's and their decisions. I was glad that it didn't upset me too much and that I was able to let it go. You have to do what is right for YOU and you only. You have to know your own body, you have to feel right about what you are doing, regardless of what the rest of the world's opinion is. Man, I should have learned this earlier in my life, it would have made life so much easier. When you try to worry about what everyone else thinks or feels, you will always be disappointing someone. Not any more, I am grateful for the people and friends who support me in my decisions with this cancer, even when they don't totally understand or agree with me. I have always thought that you shouldn't make a judgement on me until you have been there yourself. But honestly, I wouldn't wish CANCER on anyone! I just try to learn from this and remember to support and love people in every aspect and decision in their lives because ....I HAVE NEVER WALKED IN THEIR SHOES.
So after that discussion, I left the hospital and decided since I was up, dressed and out, that I would go see Amy and Angie. I was so tired but knew that if I made it to their house, I would feel better when I saw Angie. I don't know why I have a bit more energy or I am more happy when I am with her? Maybe it is because I just feel that Angie loves her grandma (Nana) no matter what. She doesn't know if I am sick or tired, she is just glad to see me and thrilled to have me come play with her. So that is what we did for a little while. I was so tired when I left and went and picked up the kids from school that I had to come home and head straight to bed. So today was good, I was a bit more tired than usual but it was a happy day and I was grateful to feel that! So I will head to bed and leave you with my quote for the day. Thanks for checking in on me. Only 31 treatments to go! :)
"Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage"
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"You don't get to choose how you're going to die, or when. You can only decide how you're going to live now."
-- Joan Baez