Monday, January 12, 2009

Energy, will there be enough?

That was the question that I had today, will I have enough energy to make the 3 different appointments that I had? I was grateful that I did, but as soon as I came home I went straight to bed and Lauren and Lee were sweet enough to make dinner. I have said this before, it takes a lot of energy, time and money to have cancer. I am forever grateful that we have a job and insurance. There is still quite a bit of out of the pocket expense ,but I can't even imagine what the cost would be without insurance?  I first started out this morning  at Physical Therapy, this is only my 3rd time but I can tell that my Therapist is doing something right ,because I am a bit sore. She is a great lady to talk to and seems to know her stuff. She is compassionate and I am very thankful for that. I am sure in a job like this ...dealing with cancer patients every day, that it may be normal to just be neutral and not connect with the patients. I am sure that she sees more than her share of women who are frightened and scared. She is very confident and calming to me, yet she seems like she truly cares about giving me the best therapy to help me be well and healthy. I love the massage part because it is relaxing. I did more in the gym today and you would laugh if  you saw what tiny things she has me doing but... they are actually hard and taxing after being down for so long. It is a bit discouraging to think how out of shape I have become, through this past year with my surgeries and sickness  but I didn't feel that way long as I looked around and saw how bad some of the people there were. Perspective is a wonderful thing.

Next, I went back to Nordstrom and back to the same lady who fit me in December for my prosthetic and bras. They have been hurting so bad that I had to go back for a refitting. This time I think we got the right thing and hopefully the pain and discomfort will keep getting less. This experience wasn't as bad this time and I think it was because it was my second time, because I am a little tougher and probably a little less sensitive than the last. I still looked around at all the photos on the walls and all the intimate apparel and knew that my life has changed permanently.

Then I went to get something to eat and went to go see my counselor. Wow, what an amazing and wise man he is. I just needed to share some of the fears that I was having. I talked to him about my kids and Jeff and how I think they are handling all of this too. Cancer like any disease, happens to the whole family, not just me. He reminded me that each of my kids will go through their own grieving process and all I can do is be there to talk about it, if they need me. It's funny because I am more worried about them in some ways and then I am sure that they are feeling that they can't express their fears or thoughts because they are trying to stay strong for me. That is why tonight at Family Night, we discussed the upcoming treatments and how they felt about it and I explained to them how I felt. Hopefully being open, we can all work through this, in a healthy and positive way.

I like the quote that says... "HE HAS NOT LEARNED THE LESSON OF LIFE WHO DOES NOT EVERY DAY SURMOUNT A FEAR"    ---Ralph Waldo Emerson  That suggests to me that it is ok to be scared and have fear but it is important every day to surmount it and conquer it, and so I try.  I also like the one that goes like this..."FINISH THE DAY AND BE DONE WITH IT . YOU HAVE DONE WHAT YOU COULD"    ---Ralph Waldo Emerson   So true, one day at a time is about all I can handle right now and I guess that is ok.  My lesson in Family Home Evening was about FAITH, seems like that is a reoccurring theme around here, no wonder. I explained that some times you have to do things in faith, not always understanding the reason why. But knowing full well that you have always been taken care of and watched over, and that this time ...will not be any different.

So tomorrow I went start the next part of my journey with cancer. Thank you for all of you prayers and thoughts that are coming my way. They truly do make a difference. I will be positive and excited that I live in a day and age where we have so many things available to beat cancer. Even now, 7 years later, things have improved. Hope you have a wonderful night and I will close with another great quote...


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