Today of course was going to be Lauren and I's first day back at the pool since my trip, although I did swim while I was in Hawaii). Didn't feel like I should go ( or I should say I didn't want to go feeling so bad ) but still I felt like we needed to start sometime, so off we went, late but we went.
So making use of the time we had we took right off, we did a 1/4 of a mile today, I know that isn't much but it felt like a beginning. It has been almost 10 years or more since I swam a mile a day, wow... a lot has changed since then with my body and my stamina. Oh well, just decided to put on Aqua Mandie ( my swim prosthetic ) and go swimming today, it is something I need to do and the only exercise that doesn't hurt my body, so I need to just do it. Sooooo glad we did, even though I was still hurting, it felt good to get some exercise. I forgot how tired you get from swimming throughout the day until you build up your strength and lung capacity.
I did swim in Hawaii at the club we were staying at, but I ended up not being able to wear the new swimsuit that I got ( for my B-day and especially for this trip ) because Aqua Mandie kept moving around too much when I swam and it was a bit obvious that something didn't look right. So I used my old swimsuit which I didn't feel as comfortable and normal in, and that played a bit with my mind and thoughts.
I have struggled my whole life with liking what I see in the mirror. Having had a mastectomy has been a constant struggle to just be OK with what I now see in the mirror. Don't get me wrong, most of the days I do fine, and even can joke about it. But in Hawaii around so many people with both bodies ( as my granddaughter calls it ), I had a hard time not feeling sorry for myself or even feeling like I was enough. It seemed like everyone had a normal body but me. So you can see that sometimes a situation that you weren't even worried about ...can trigger destructive thoughts. I know what they are, I know what they feel like and yes...I am working on my thoughts and self esteem ....yet once again.
What is so dangerous about feeling this way? Well, it is dangerous in lots of ways actually, it seems to taint all of your other thoughts, and pretty soon your whole perspective is out of whack.
I only mention this, not to have you feel sorry for me, but to share with you things that maybe others have experienced too and if you haven't, then ways to help you avoid these situations in the future.
I am working on it, I am tired and hurting anyway, and so that too takes a toll on your perspective, seems like it will feel like this forever.
So where do I go from here? Back to the basics, get enough sleep, eat right, exercise each day, read my scriptures and other uplifting books, be a keeper of my thoughts, pay attention to the thoughts that come in ( almost without me knowing ), have happy thoughts ready to replace them. Then I get down on my knees everyday and say thanks for the body I do have left, thanks for the health I have and on and on. Gratitude is a great defense to bad thoughts and hard days, and last but not least....Serve someone else, that makes a huge difference on how you see your life, when you look or share the struggles of others.
Sounds like I have done this before ...right? Oh yes, and I am pretty sure that it is something I will have to continue to work on for my whole life. That's ok, at least I know what to do.
Good night dear friends, hope this true confession has helped someone?
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