A year ago today, this is what I wrote to you in my blog. I was just diagnosed with Breast Cancer for the second time. Why am I repeating this blog? For a couple of reasons actually. One... is to remind me that even though at that point, I didn't want the new day to come because I didn't think I could handle it, I did and I am still here today. Second reason is... in the past 2 days I have talked to 2 more people who are going down the same road of facing cancer, and I wanted them to know of my thoughts and feelings then and now.
Jeff said to me a year ago ...."I wish we could just fast forward life to 4-5 months from now or longer" he knew that somehow we would probably survive all of this, but didn't know how or what toll it would take on all of us. He was scared, I was scared and so I just wanted you to know what I feel like a year later. I sadly didn't get to fast forward any of that whole experience, I had to go through each day and each moment and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
Why is it that the night time is the hardest when you are sick, lonely, sad or concerned about something? It is like the whole world is asleep and you are left completely alone with your thoughts. All of these things just kept racing through my head and I couldn't seem to stop them long enough to let sleep come in.
So here I am again, it is early in the morning and I have been awake for hours. Now this blog was not meant to be a reality type blog, but a motivational blog. But it seems for the moment that I need to express a couple of personal things that have come front and center in our lives.
Yesterday we got the results back from my MRI, it wasn't good, I have a large tumor in my left breast. The same breast that I had cancer in almost 7 years ago. I haven't had that unbelievable fear like last time and so for some reason I am shocked about the news. I am not sure what I accomplished yesterday...not much but the reality of I am going to have to go down this road again is becoming all too clear.
Almost 7 years ago when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I remember crying and being depressed all the time,for the first few days and the kids did the same. It didn't take me too long to remember that I was the mom, the heart of the home and that I needed to some how pull myself together. I asked Amy yesterday if she was really alright, her reply was classic "I'm ok MOM, if you are ok?"
And so I need to be ok, for my sake, for my families' sake. We have fought this battle before, and I am sure we can do it again. I wish that I wasn't so TIRED,it is much harder to fight when you are this exhausted but... we will.
So I keep thinking to myself what I tell other women who I counsel about when things of this magnitude hit their lives? The first thing is to get all the information, next to pick their team mates, who are your main supporters that become so vital for you? Make sure you only pick people who believe in you and support you in whatever decision you make, people who trust that you have the wherewithal to make the right decision. There are tons of people out there willing to give you their opinions and remind you of all the things that could go wrong and tell you what to do,even though they have never been in this situation before. Personally, I wouldn't pick them to support you. Making decisions like these are Big and you don't need any bad energy that some people have to share. I would tell these sweet women to get back to the basics, find out what their core beliefs are? Do they believe in a God or not? That is real important, because these situations make you face exactly how much you can take and it is vital to know that you don't have to do any of this ALONE unless you choose to. And last ,but not least I would say to them have FAITH, faith to know that we all have the answers inside us to the tough questions that come in our lives. Faith that your Heavenly Father will be there and will help you fight these battles. Faith in the Savior Jesus Christ, He truly understands what we are going through and will help comfort us and give us a peace that the world doesn't have to offer. The women like I mentioned before that I have met along the way in life are amazing women and they all seem to be tougher than they even imagined that they could be. Everyone of them come from all walks of life, all different religious beliefs but understand that we are given these things for a reason and we all have been the better and stronger for it!
So I will try to remember all these things that I have shared a million times with others and apply to my own life! I am a fighter and I will fight this battle ....yet once again. I wish that I could write a personal letter to each of my dear friends and tell them just what JOY that they have brought into my life. That is another thing that happens to you when you get news like this...it makes you sappy! So beware! :)
The sun will be up soon and hopefully I will be ready to take on yet another day. They say THE GOOD THING ABOUT THE FUTURE IS THAT IT ONLY COMES ONE DAY AT A TIME! So true
Today, I feel hopeful for the future (opposite of a year ago), my fears are more under control and I feel happy more often. I have things planned that I want to do in the next year or so (haven't quite made it to looking too far into the future). I still get pretty scared and nervous when I have to go into check ups ( that is the same so far). I am still going to the hospital for treatments for lymphedema ( still working on surviving the effects of surgery and radiation ). I don't study as much now about my cancer, still a bit scary to read all the time. I am still tired and trying hard to continue to listen to my gut, especially when it tells me to slow down and rest. I am quilting again, that is one of my passions and I redid my sewing room. ( I think that was a big sign to my family and friends that I was getting better and hopeful for the future, I've got lots of quilts yet to make!) I am more thoughtful and tender with my family because I could imagine what it would be like to leave them and I am grateful that Heavenly Father let me stay a little longer. Then last but not least ....my knowledge that God lives and Jesus is the Christ has increased and been strengthened a 100 fold. I could never be where I am today without that knowledge and testimony. So I share it with you, please don't try to go through life and all it's struggles alone, you don't have to, it was never intended for you to do it all on your own.
I apologize to repeat a blog but felt impressed to do so. I appreciate you and all of your support . Thank you and Happy Halloween!
"THERE ARE ONLY TWO WAYS TO LIVE YOUR LIFE. ONE IS AS THOUGH NOTHING IS A MIRACLE. THE OTHER IS AS THOUGH EVERYTHING IS A MIRACLE" ~Albert Einstein