I have felt like running away more than once or twice in my life lately. I am not sure where I would go and I realize that I can never run away from my body and my pain. I just some times think it might be nice to just go where no one knows me and where I can think and sort things out in my head. It would have to be away from home because if I stay here, then I remember the dishes need to be done, laundry is piled up, the phone keeps ringing and there are always bills to be done and meals to prepare. Although I have to admit ...this is the job I have always DREAMED of ...being a MOM! Still there are times, that I feel a need to run away and just refill my bucket. When the kids were all small, this was a very familiar feeling. :)
I am heading to bed early (for me) tonight, I am still very tired and hurting quite a bit, so I need to send this post to you.. then get going. I love this story, I read it from one of my Chicken Soup for the Soul books. I love those books. I also thought this story was a great tribute to MOTHERHOOD.
ON A VERY HECTIC DAY WHEN MY HUSBAND AND I WERE BUSY GOING IN A HUNDRED DIRECTIONS, OUR FOUR-AND-A-HALF YEAR-OLD SON, JUSTIN CARL, HAD TO BE REPRIMANDED FOR GETTING INTO MISCHIEF. AFTER SEVERAL ATTEMPTS, MY HUSBAND GEORGE FINALLY TOLD HIM TO STAND IN THE CORNER. HE WAS VERY QUIET BUT WASN'T TO HAPPY ABOUT IT. FINALLY, AFTER A FEW MOMENTS, HE SAID, "I'M GOING TO RUN AWAY FROM HOME."
MY FIRST REACTION WAS SURPRISE, AND HIS WORDS ANGERED ME. "YOU ARE?" I BLURTED. BUT AS I TURNED TO LOOK AT HIM, HE LOOKED LIKE AN ANGEL, SO SMALL, SO INNOCENT, WITH HIS FACE SO SAD.
AS MY HEART FELT HIS PAIN, I REMEMBERED A MOMENT IN MY OWN CHILDHOOD WHEN I SPOKE THOSE WORDS AND HOW UNLOVED AND LONELY I FELT. HE WAS SAYING SO MUCH MORE THAN JUST HIS WORDS. HE WAS CRYING FROM WITHIN, "DON'T YOU DARE IGNORE ME. PLEASE NOTICE ME! I'M IMPORTANT TOO. PLEASE MAKE ME FEEL WANTED, UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED AND NEEDED."
"OKAY, JUSSIE, YOU CAN RUN AWAY FROM HOME." I TENDERLY WHISPERED AS I STARTED PICKING OUT CLOTHES. "WELL, WE'LL NEED PJ'S, YOUR COAT..."
"MAMA," HE SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
"WE'LL ALSO NEED MY COAT AND NIGHTGOWN." I PACKED THESE ITEMS INTO A BAG AND PLACED THEM BY THE FRONT DOOR. "OKAY, JUSSIE, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO RUN AWAY FROM HOME?"
"YEAH, BUT WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"
"WELL, IF YOU GOING TO RUN AWAY FROM HOME, THEN MAMA'S GOING WITH YOU, BECAUSE I WOULD NEVER WANT YOU TO BE ALONE. I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH, JUSTIN CARL."
WE HELD EACH OTHER WHILE WE TALKED. "WHY DO YOU WANT TO COME WITH ME?"
I LOOKED INTO HIS EYES. "BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, JUSTIN. MY LIFE WOULD NEVER BE THE SAME IF YOU WENT AWAY. SO I WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU'LL BE SAFE. IF YOU DO GO, I WILL GO WITH YOU."
"CAN DADDY COME?"
"NO, DADDY HAS TO STAY HOME WITH YOUR BROTHERS, ERICKSON AND TREVOR, AND DADDY HAS TO WORK AND TAKE CARE OF THE HOUSE WHILE WE'RE GONE."
"CAN FREDDI (THE HAMSTER)COME?"
"NO, FREDDI HAS TO STAY HERE TOO."
HE THOUGHT FOR A WHILE AND SAID, "MAMA, CAN WE STAY HOME?'
"I LOVE YOU."
"I LOVE YOU TOO, HONEY. HOW ABOUT YOU HELP ME MAKE SOME POPCORN?"
IN THAT MOMENT I KNEW THE WONDROUS GIFT OF MOTHERHOOD I HAD BEEN GIVEN, THAT THE SACRED RESPONSIBILITIES TO HELP DEVELOP A CHILD'S SENSE OF SECURITY AND SELF-ESTEEM ARE NOTHING TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY. I REALIZED THAT IN MY ARMS I HELD THE PRECIOUS GIFT OF CHILDHOOD; A BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF CLAY WILLING AND WANTING TO BE CUDDLED AND MAGNIFICENTLY MOLDED INTO A CONFIDENT ADULT MASTERPIECE. I LEARNED THAT AS A MOTHER I SHOULD NEVER "RUN AWAY" FROM THE OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW MY CHILDREN THEY ARE WANTED, IMPORTANT, LOVABLE AND THE MOST PRECIOUS GIFT FROM GOD.
~ Lois Krueger