Friday, August 21, 2009

Faith or Fear?

I have learned that some times the line between where fear ends and faith begins is a very fine one. Sometimes it may be the other way around too, where faith ends and fear begins. Nevertheless, I believe it is only human to have fear and worry to some degree.

Today was my appointment for my MRI on my chest wall and my left arm pit. As I said before, my Physical Therapist and Primary care Dr weren't sure what the swollen areas were. One of which just came up in the last few weeks, the other has been there since surgery, but seems to be getting more sore. I wasn't going to have it checked out but knew in my heart that after having cancer twice that I should go and find out something. I can't tell you how hard that is to do. The fear that it might be cancer or something related, is huge and so I can see why women struggle soooooo hard to make and keep their regular check up appointments. As for me, it wasn't even time for my regular appointment. One of the things they tell you when you leave your last treatment appointments is ..."make sure if you notice anything unusual or something that doesn't feel right, to get right back in here". Well, I am not trying to be negative but to be honest...Nothing Feels Right, what is right? What is normal? I have never felt my chest wall before, there has always been a breast on top of it before now. So I am really not sure what I am suppose to be feeling?

So after 2 1/2 of testing, the results were...EVERYTHING LOOKS FINE, they actually haven't seen anyone else that has this, but all the tissue looks fine. I guess I was relieved and yet think that it would have been more comforting to have heard ... this is normal and we see it all the time after a mastectomy. My body has always been known for doing something different than anyone else's body, so I shouldn't have been surprised. I am suppose to go back in a couple of months to do a mammogram the other breast and probably do an MRI too so we will just have to keep an eye on it. Maybe it is normal, my normal!  :)

You know I am not closterfobic but, after having to lay on my stomach and with one arm under my head and the other above my head for that long....was a killer on my back and neck. I have to keep playing mind games to tell myself to relax and don't move or they will have to do it all over again. That was a very long time, I think I went into the tunnel like MRI machine 3 different times. My back and neck are paying for it now. But it is over and I am grateful that everything looks ok.

Thanks for all your love and prayers in my behalf, I know personally that they make a huge difference. Thanks for always being there and please try to remember that when someone you know and love is going to get ready to go in for a scary test, not to minimize their fears or concerns. Just be there for them. Let them know that you are concerned and sending positive thoughts and prayers their way, is probably the greatest thing you can do. Because, it is nerve wrecking and pretty normal to have those hesitations and concerns going in to something like this. But in the end, it is vital to remember...everything truly is in God's hands and trust that He knows what you can handle and what you can't! Thanks for always helping me to remember this. Good night dear friends!

"Fear imprisons, faith liberates; fear paralyzes, faith empowers; fear disheartens, faith encourages; fear sickens, faith heals; fear makes useless, faith makes serviceable."  ~ Harry Emerson Fosdick

"Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered. And lo, no one was there."   ~ Anonymous


"Never fear shadows, they simply mean there is a light shining somewhere nearby."  ~ Ruth Renkel

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