I well remember coming home after my mastectomy 9 months ago and wondering if I would ever dream of things again. Dreaming would involve the future, and that was so unsure for me at that time and for many of the following months. Then my scar healed and hope came back but not for long, because the radiation brought it's own brutal realities and once again I found myself not looking too far into the future. Then after most of the side effects from that settled down, I got my new prosthetic and I was able to receive some physical therapy and once again I started looking forward to things like...my niece's wedding, Lauren's graduation, my 50th birthday, camping trips, visits from family and friends and even the arrival of our second granddaughter! Yes, there were so many things to look forward to and what an amazing difference it makes in my day, to dream and look forward to things!
It was a wonderful summer so far and I really enjoyed each one of those events. The icing on the cake of course was when Jenny Paige ( my granddaughter ) was born. Just to be able to hold her in my arms has been something to look forward to each day. I know I have said it before but grand kids are the best!
Yesterday I felt like I needed to get back into Physical Therapy, I am still having pain and swelling in my chest wall and arm pit area and now my left arm is starting to have a dull ache in it when I do much of anything. I had been waiting to see if I was going to be able to get that suit that does the lymph draining for you, but I was notified yesterday that my claim was rejected. From the lady that I spoke to at Flexitouch, she said that is normal and now we should try and do an appeal. She also told me that it would probably take 6 months before anything would happen. That is a long time so I called and set up an appointment with my primary care doctor to get a referral to get more Physical Therapy.
Today I went to that appointment and he too was concerned about the lump underneath my armpit that is from lymphodemia. His concern is that it is warm which would mean there is still swelling or maybe an infection in there and that it is still painful. His other concern was for the lump or I would rather call it a bump, that has come up on my sternum area. He was puzzled by what it could be, it came up all of a sudden, it is hard... not fluid filled but it doesn't hurt. He asked me to set up an appointment for a MRI of my chest wall and then a mammogram for my right breast (same suggestion as my PT). When I made that call and started talking to the secretary for a date and time, I began to cry. It is scary to just think about going back into that arena again and looking for something that is a concern. So I went to bed last night, not dreaming very well again. I pray that it is nothing but just some changes that maybe your body makes after a major surgery?
After my appointment I came home and spent the rest of the day with Amy and Jenny. I realized then that some how I need to keep dreaming, keep looking to the future? I need to get back my confidence and trust that seemed to slip away so quickly. My appointment is not until Friday, I will pray until then that every- thing will be alright and ask for more hope. I know things happen for a reason but... some days keeping that faith and positive attitude is hard to do.
Thank you for all of your hope and prayers, it is a great strength to me. So I will go to bed, count my blessings and remember to keep dreaming, keep believing and keep hoping! Good night dear friends!
"In dreams, we enter a world that's entirely our own." ~Steven Kloves
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dream."
"The work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives and the dreams shall never die." ~ Edward Kennedy