Monday, September 20, 2010

Putting the mask back on.

Another tough day today, constantly I am hitting the wall...emotionally and physically. I am not sure why, but I am struggling and I am desperately trying to get back to my normal bright side of life. I tried to explain to Jeff tonight, how hard I am struggling, I just cried through most of it and he just looked helpless. I wish I could pin point why I am feeling like this? This really isn't like me. I am usually happy just doing what limited things I can, but at least I can still do something! I have been going over and over again in my thoughts why I am hurting so much, I know I am in pain, I am physically tired ( too tired ) but that is part of my normal every day life, and I always seem to wake up excited to have another day, but not today. Everything I had to do, I did the best I could, but it took effort and I had to put my mask back on. You know the one that tries to show the world you are ok and doing well, but underneath you are hurting, scared or frustrated.

I knew I was at a low point today, because my thoughts were out of control. I kept having these questions of why I feel like this, why am I not better or stronger? Then the thoughts that came were...your cancer must have come back. Now I normally DO NOT go there, but for some reason, I can't shake this today. I know that thoughts like that aren't productive or healthy. They are however normal for survivors, some of the time. But ever since my friend lost her battle with Cancer, it has been a reoccurring thought.

Anyway, I am sorry to have been so honest. I don't want my blog to be discouraging or hard on you. Yet at the same time, I feel a big impression to be real and  honest. I am going to bed soon, and I am just going to chalk this whole day up as a BIGGER THAN ME DAY! Thank you for your faith and prayers in my behalf. I am sure that this to will pass...I just hope it doesn't take too long! I need to also remember that Saturday night and Sunday were good days, I know that counting your blessings helps a lot, so I don't want to forget to do that. Good night dear friends!

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one, which has been opened for us.” ~ Helen Keller

“ One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn’t pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.”   ~Lucille Ball

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