Today was my mom's birthday. Even though she passed away quite a few years ago... I still want to call her and sing Happy Birthday. It has been a rough day today, during the night I got much worse and had to contact my Doctor first thing this morning. I knew how bad I was feeling and remembered all too well, what my pneumonia felt like 2 years ago. So here I am once again battling pneumonia, I hurt all over, I can't get warm and it feels as if someone is sitting on my chest and I can't get a deep breath at all and yet I can't stop coughing either. I hurt all over! My doctor immediately got me on antibiotics and I will have to go back Friday to have my lungs checked again.
If there was ever a day I needed my mom, it was today. I needed to hear her tell me that I will be fine. To remind me how strong I am, and that this too... will pass. I have been teary eyed all day, I am sure it is because I feel so bad. I have struggled with my thoughts all day, what if my cancer comes back because my immune system is so weak? What if the cancer has gone to my lungs? I know to many of you who have never had cancer, these thoughts might sound stupid or extreme, well to some degree they are... but at the same time they are very real. They are not ones that are of any value or have any good that will come of them, but still there are days (like today) that I battle them harder than others. That is one of the biggest struggles with cancer survivors, the ability to life a full and happy life and not be constantly looking over your shoulder wondering when cancer is going to hit again. I would say that most of my days I do pretty well with enjoying life, although looking into the future is still a bit tough, but I basically am happy and feel blessed. I am sure these thoughts have hit me hard today because I feel so bad (physically). I miss my mom, how I wish she were here to hold me and spend time with me.
"A mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled." ~Emily Dickinson
"Who ran to help me when I fell,
And would some pretty story tell,
Or kiss the place to make it well?
"A mother understands what a child does not say."
-- Jewish proverb
So to all of you who are blessed to still have your mom's around, please take time out to tell her how much you love and appreciate her! Don't worry about me, Jeff and the kids are taking great care of me. Good night dear friends and thanks for a listening ear.