I didn't write last night because I went to bed early with the beginning of a cold. My sweet little granddaughter is sick and I guess my immune system isn't as good as I thought it was.
It was a year ago today that I had my mastectomy. That is hard to believe. It has been one of the longest and hardest years I have ever had! But at the same time, there has been much learning, growing and blessings that have come too! I am entering my post from a year ago to those who are going through it for the first time and also to let you see my progress and to remind us... that time does heal things.
It was an emotional ride and I have to say that even today, it is still a bit emotional. Why? Well, I am glad that I can finally accept what I see in the mirror ( it is hard, but I can ). I am glad that I want to be among people again (that took me a long time before I felt confident enough to go out in public). I am glad that I am slowly beginning to look and dream of the future. I am a bit sad though, to still be struggling with the side effects of the surgery and treatments. I am sad to still have to worry about my check ups and any thing new that happens to my body. Yet, I am grateful for the inspiration that I received to develop my RECNAC GIFTS and how they have been able to help many other survivors ( and hopefully that will grow and develop till they are available to all cancer patients out there). I am blessed to have met so many wonderful people along the way, (I know it was no accident that our paths crossed and for that I am grateful). I am grateful for the love and strength it has taught our family, I am so lucky to have such an incredible family. I am also grateful to have had the chance to get closer to my Savior during this whole experience. Yes, I have been blessed! So it has been a year to forget and yet, a year to remember.
Thank you for all of your help, cards, letters, gifts, meals, and prayers along the way, I couldn't have made it without you.
The women that helped take care of me from the first procedure to the last, were amazing and some how I felt like it was meant to be ...that our paths crossed. Jeff teased me today and said "HOW MANY BEST FRIENDS HAVE YOU MADE, SINCE YOU HAVE BEEN HERE?" I did feel well taken care of but was shocked to meet so many women who were in there for cancer and to hear their stories. We all instantly connected and wished each other luck, it was sad, touching and humbling to say the least.
My spirits were high until I got ready to leave the hospital and first took a look at myself in the mirror, what a shock. My whole chest is wrapped with ace bandages so I actually couldn't see the effects of the surgery but my body still looks deformed already. I couldn't help but cry when I looked again in the mirror. How could this really be happening to me and how will I ever feel normal and good about myself again? I know there are many women who have gone through this and worse, but for today I am just talking about me. How can such a routine surgery now days, leave someone feeling so ugly, empty, sad and doubtful?
I am sorry to be so honest, but I know I need to keep writing these thoughts to make sure that I just keep feeling things. Today every time the phone rang or there was a knock on the door, I kept saying"I just can't talk to any one right now and I don't want any one to see me like this." My sweet family act like I look just the same but wow that must be hard for all of them too. Jeff just keeps holding me and reminding me that these feelings are all normal and that we will all get through this together, but I can't even imagine that right now. Dear Shirley, my sister-in-law who has been with me through this all, has been a real trooper helping me get dressed, emptying my drains and trying to make sure I rest and get all the supplements I am suppose to take.
I wish I felt better and had a more uplifting entry today but this was my day and personally I am glad that it is over and pray that tomorrow will be a bit brighter.
"WHAT SEEMS TO US A BITTER TRIALS ARE OFTEN BLESSING IN DISGUISE" ~ Oscar Wilde
"MAY YOU HAVE ENOUGH HAPPINESS TO MAKE YOU SWEET, ENOUGHT TRIALS TO MAKE YOU STRONG, ENOUGH SORROW TO KEEP YOU HUMAN AND ENOUGH HOPE TO MAKE YOU HAPPY"