One of the side effects of having cancer is the fear that comes with it. There are days and even weeks and months that I am not really effected by it. But then something will trigger those Bigger Than Me Days of fear, and those are tough days. I had one ( ok, maybe 2 or 3 ) of those a month ago when I was feeling so tired and weak. The fatigue was terrible and my mind went to a bad place. I tried to write about it because I think that it is very important to let other survivors know, what is normal or at least happens to other survivors. It took me over a week to really get out of that bad place. The What Ifs came too, and so it took a lot of work and effort to change where I was.
Finally I did and have been grateful ever since that I don't feel like running and looking over my shoulder all the time, wondering when or if cancer is going to return. But I had a bit of a relapse the other night. I have been having some swelling in my arm from not having many lymph nodes after my surgery. Some times if the swelling gets bad, my arm aches and lately that seems to be happening a lot. When I went to bed that night, I woke up a few times in the middle in a bad dream. Each time I woke up, I could feel my arm just throbbing and then I would go back to sleep and be right back in the same dream. The dream was, my arm was aching and so we went to the DR. and he said that I had Stage 4 bone cancer, I was devastated, then I would wake up and realize it was only a dream ( nightmare to be a matter of fact ) and how grateful I was that it was only that. Finally I decided to get up because I did not want to go back into that dream again.
So sometimes even when you think your head is in the right place, your sub-conscience brings those fears back to you. Yes, the side effects of cancer can be scary but manageable IF you work at it each day! With that said, I am tired... my arm is still aching and now I am wondering if I really want to go to bed tonight or not? Guess I will anyway, good night dear friends!
P.S. Maybe what I should do, is go get one of my RECNAC MONSTERS, they really do help!
"Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing."
"There is much in the world to make us afraid. There is much more in our faith to make us unafraid." ~Frederick W. Cropp
"There are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them." ~Andre Gide