Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Life isn't fair

I loved this article, that I read about life not being fair. There have been times I have felt like that and just like this article mentions, it isn't a good place to stay mentally. Here is a watered down version of her thoughts and tips on things that helped her, during this tough time. I have included the web site of hers, where you can read more if you like!

I remember so clearly sitting next to my dad as we drove through town. I was discussing some injustice I had suffered and he looked directly at me and said, “no one ever said life was fair.” I was completely devastated. Later on as my marriage crumbled in spite of my ongoing efforts to hold it together, I could still hear those words echo in my heart. Now as I raise two kids alone, attempt to create new  relationships and build a business, I am forced every day to face this inevitable truth. I decided to stop running from the obvious and to accept my dad’s wisdom, albeit with the help of a few sound strategies I’ve learned along the way.

We will all face loss, unexpected change and feeling like the rug has been pulled out from beneath us. Some of us are recovering from harsh realities that will take time to heal. I wanted to share what worked for me. Here are my top ten ways to get over the “it’s not fair syndrome."

Anne Mattos-Leedom is the publisher of , a national parenting website for raising caring kids. Anne is also the Founder of, a premier online placement agency for experts and authors. She lives in Northern California with her two teenage daughters.

"Life may not always seem fair, but we can learn to roll with the punches and make new choices along the way."

1.Stop Comparing

We choose for ourselves what seems fair by comparing our lives and circumstances to those of others around us.

2.Take Charge of Your Beliefs

We are often conditioned from a young age to expect certain things in life as we grow up. However, as an adult we need to let go of beliefs and expectations that are not working for us.

3.Grieve and Move on

It is only in coming to terms with our grief and realizing that everyone suffers at one time or another that we can move on.

4.Relinquish Resentment and Set New Goals

However, holding on to that frustration can keep you from moving forward. If whatever you are working on is not working, take a step back, re-assess and set a new goal that has a better chance of success. Use other people’s success as motivation and model to do better yourself. It doesn’t matter if it should have worked. If it isn't working, move on.

5.Redefine the Concept of Fair

Often we look to a divine power to be completely and totally responsible for our lives. We say, it isn’t fair that I didn’t get that job or my marriage didn’t work out, etc. because of how we believe that the universe and/or God should care for us blindly. Our lives are a team effort with the divine. Our part is to do the best we can and then to see past the moment into the bigger picture and knowing that ultimately what happens if part of that plan. Often things are much fairer then we realize at the time. That is where faith comes in.

6.Give Up on Control

Develop a healthy balance between giving things your best effort and then understanding ultimately it is out of your control. Put your efforts into the process but learn to let go of the need to control the outcome.

7.Build a ‘Fairness Support Circle'

When you share your pain and circumstances with others and realize you are not alone, you can turn the sense of “it isn’t fair” into compassion and eventually, action to let go.

8.Reflect on the Truth

Take a hard look at your circumstances that seem so unfair and ask yourself the hard questions about what you did do or not do that might have increased the chances of this happening to you.

9.Get Help When Needed

Getting professional help at this point may be the only way you can look at the real issues that may be plaguing you and to get the tools you need to move forward past your current pain into a place of hope and possibility once again.

10.Accept that Life isn’t Fair

We will see others succeed that don’t seem to deserve it. It is only in truly accepting that we don’t know the whole picture—or why things happen as they do--that we can move on. It is not for any of us to say why things happen as they do. Life may not be fair, but you can be fair—and be the best human being you can be.


"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone."  ~ Reba McEntire

"Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, a touch that never hurts."   ~ Charles Dickens

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