Why is it that the night time is the hardest when you are sick, lonely, sad or concerned about something? It is like the whole world is asleep and you are left completely alone with your thoughts. I remember almost 8 years ago when my mom passed away that the nights were the toughest. All those crazy questions kept running through my head like...WHY DID I LOSE MY MOM AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE? HOW DO I RAISE MY KIDS WITHOUT HAVING A MOM TO CALL? WHAT WILL LIFE BE LIKE FOR THEM WITHOUT A GRANDMA? AM I STRONG ENOUGH TO MAKE IT IN LIFE, WITHOUT A MOM? AND OF COURSE A REAL IMPORTANT THING TO WORRY ABOUT...WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE RECIPES THAT SHE HAD IN HER HEAD AND NEVER WROTE DOWN AND TOLD ME THAT SHE WOULD SOME DAY? All of these things just kept racing through my head and I couldn't seem to stop them long enough to let sleep come in.
So here I am again, it is early in the morning and I have been awake for hours. Now this blog was not meant to be a reality type blog, but a motivational blog. But it seems for the moment that I need to express a couple of personal things that have come front and center in our lives.
Yesterday we got the results back from my MRI, it wasn't good, I have a large tumor in my left breast. The same breast that I had cancer in almost 7 years ago. I haven't had that unbelievable fear like last time and so for some reason I am shocked about the news. I am not sure what I accomplished yesterday...not much but the reality of I am going to have to go down this road again is becoming all too clear. Jeff of course was my rock as usual, I would have never made this far in life without him, what an amazing man he is. Amy, John, Brad and Krystal already knew about the previous tests and concerns of the past 3 weeks but we hadn't worried Lee and Lauren with it ...just in case there was no need . It was hard telling Lee and Lauren, they both really cried hard and I could see that fear crept back into their eyes. I was up till 11:00pm trying to reassure Lee that things will be alright and that we will never be given more than we can handle.
Almost 7 years ago when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I remember crying and being depressed all the time,for the first few days and the kids did the same. It didn't take me too long to remember that I was the mom, the heart of the home and that I needed to some how pull myself together. I asked Amy yesterday if she was really alright, her reply was classic "I'm ok MOM, if you are ok?"
And so I need to be ok, for my sake, for my families' sake. We have fought this battle before, and I am sure we can do it again. I wish that I wasn't so TIRED,it is much harder to fight when you are this exhausted but... we will. As for now, we just have to get all the information we can so that we know what we are up against. Today at 3:00 we will go and do a needle biopsy and find out for sure if the tumor is malignant or not. I know everyone thinks it is but this is the first test to check, if this looks like it is then we will probably have to have a surgical biopsy and then the removal of it. I keep saying we ( I just mean Jeff and I, I don't do any of this without him by my side) thank goodness!
So I keep thinking to myself what I tell other women who I counsel about when things of this magnitude hit their lives? The first thing is to get all the information, next to pick their team mates, who are your main supporters that become so vital for you? Make sure you only pick people who believe in you and support you in whatever decision you make, people who trust that you have the wherewithall to make the right decision. There are tons of people out there willing to give you their opinions and remind you of all the things that could go wrong and tell you what to do,even though they have never been in this situation before. Personally, I wouldn't pick them to support you. Making decisions like these are Big and you don't need any bad energy that some people have to share. I would tell these sweet women to get back to the basics, find out what their core beliefs are? Do they believe in a God or not? That is real important, because these situations make you face exactly how much you can take and it is vital to know that you don't have to do any of this ALONE unless you choose to. And last ,but not least I would say to them have FAITH, faith to know that we all have the answers inside us to the tough questions that come in our lives. Faith that your Heavenly Father will be there and will help you fight these battles. Faith in the Savior Jesus Christ, He truly understands what we are going through and will help comfort us and give us a peace that the world doesn't have to offer. The women like I mentioned before that I have met along the way in life are amazing women and they all seem to be tougher than they even imagined that they could be. Everyone of them come from all walks of life, all different religious beliefs but understand that we are given these things for a reason and we all have been the better and stronger for it!
So I will try to remember all these things that I have shared a million times with others and apply to my own life! I am a fighter and I will fight this battle ....yet once again. I wish that I could write a personal letter to each of my dear friends and tell them just what JOY that they have brought into my life. That is another thing that happens to you when you get news like this...it makes you sappy! So beware! :)
The sun will be up soon and hopefully I will be ready to take on yet another day. They say THE GOOD THING ABOUT THE FUTURE IS THAT IT ONLY COMES ONE DAY AT A TIME! So true