Sunday, October 5, 2008

Faith and Fear do not go together

I looked at my calendar for this week, knowing full well that I don't have anything planned to do except rest. I was surprised to find out that I have my Cancer check up tomorrow morning, yes it has been a year and I was pleasantly surprised that I hadn't worried about it's coming this year, unlike years in the past. I remember sitting in the hospital a few years ago waiting for my yearly exam and sitting beside me was woman who was old enough to be my mom, she looked really nervous and you know me...not wanting to miss the opportunity to make a new friend, I started talking to her. She told me, she too was a survivor and that coming to these appointments every year just made her a nervous wreak. I was sorry for her but glad to know that I wasn't the only one. After listening to her survivor story, mine didn't sound so bad. I realize how lucky I was that I caught my cancer early and that it was not very aggressive.

I would never have chosen to have cancer, it was one of the scariest things I believe that I have ever been through, and that is saying a lot if you know my past  :)  But, through that cancer (or as we like to pronounce it backwards recnac ) I learned a lot about myself and my body. I learned about my faith and how to make it stronger but there were days and nights that  fear took over and I lost sight of my faith and the knowledge that I had worked so hard to get. I was not alone in this fight, I have met incredible women and men on this journey of surviving cancer. They have made such an impression on me and given me courage as I watched or talked to them often. It was a wonderful thing that we could all talk about God and faith and keeping each other in our prayers. In a world where so many are guarded about talking about God or offending someone it was a breath of fresh air to be able to share on a spiritual level with these wonderful women and men. No one really cared that we came from all walks of life and of all different religions, we just felt grateful that we had something in common a love for God and a hope that He would see us through this.

Some of these dear friends have passed on and will forever be examples to me of their faith and courage, I pray that I can live my life as well as they did. Cancer is a hard thing to get over in your head even if your body has healed. It is hard to not worry that every cough or pain isn't cancer some how returning somewhere. How grateful I am to be a survivor for almost 7 years now, I think the things that have benefited me the most from that life's experience I try to remember to not let one day or minute go by without experiencing it and enjoying it. I am so grateful to wake up every day, even when my health isn't very good. Second... I know that my Heavenly Father is watching over me, He knows how much I can or cannot handle, He knows exactly how long I am to be here on the earth and I know He is always there to strengthen me on nights like tonight, where I am having a bit of trouble wanting to go to bed.Tomorrow will be fine but I have to admit, it isn't something I am looking forward to. I am going by myself, usually I am such a big chicken that I call one of my girlfriends to go with me. For years, Jeff used to take off work to go with me, but since I didn't even remember it till this weekend, I will go by myself... maybe I am more courageous that I think?  We will see?  But one thing I learned this weekend from church is that FAITH IS NOT ONLY A FEELING...IT IS A DECISION! 

So with that, I will decide to not be scared and to remember how   blessed I am to be here and to be able to know all of you and have such a wonderful family. I have had many hard trials in my life, but I have been... oh so blessed!  I will close with a quote that inspires me... LIVE YOUR LIFE FROM YOUR HEART.  SHARE FROM YOUR HEART. AND YOUR STORY WILL TOUCH AND HEAL PEOPLE'S SOULS. ----Melody Beattie 

Good night!

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