My earliest memory was at the age of 5, and I remember with such clarity being abused by my grandfather.The physical abuse continued until I was 11 years old, the verbal and emotional abuse went on until I was married and moved away. I have spoken many times on this blog about being a Survivor, and what that means...in hopes that anyone else out there who has been abused will realize it is not their fault and that they too can survive horrible and tragic experiences. Better than that, they can some day be happy, strong and a better person because what they have overcome.
Tonight as I was getting ready to write my blog, I saw on the headlines of the news that on CBS there was to be an interview with Kaycee Dugard, who was kidnapped as a child and abused and locked up for 18 years from a very sick man and his wife. Now I will tell you right away that we turned our TV off years ago and it has been one of the best decisions, we have more time to talk, more time to read, more time to hang out together but probably one of the best reasons I can think of is...we no longer have garbage coming in our home through the TV. We watch movies that we pick out and to be honest with you, I keep up with the news through the internet and so I am not oblivious to the world events but... I do guard myself from all the terrible stories that are out there.
For some reason tonight I felt impelled to watch the ABC interview with this sweet survivor...Jaycee Dugard. I am not sure why, I usually can't handle things like that, because they trigger some terrible memories that I have. I guess what made me want to watch it, is because this girl has taken something terrible and made it into a stronger and happier her. She never gave up hope and a couple of comments that she and her Mother gave were very touching.
Mother..."“I could hear her crying, not with my ears, but with my heart. I could feel her pain, not with my body, but again with my heart. Completely unbearable and debilitating.”
Jaycee..."It is important to look at what happened to me, to stare it down until it can't scare me any more."
Jaycee..."Survival is your strength ...not your shame!"
They say that her book, which tells all will be coming out next week called THE STOLEN LIFE, I will not read it because just the 45 mins or so that I saw tonight was more than enough. I just realize how grateful that I am, that I survived, that I have grown enough in wisdom to realize I don't have to live in fear any more. Fear for me or for my children. I used to cry at night when all the kids were little, for fear that there would be no way I could possibly keep all of them safe at all times. I felt like that as their Mother that was my job to protect them, the love that I had for them made me realize that I would do anything to keep them safe. For years I struggled with the fact that I wasn't protected.
But many years, tears, counseling, prayers later, and understanding I realize that I can do all that I can do and ask my Heavenly Father to do the rest. I don't have to carry that unbelievable burden alone, I realized that I never had really been alone, even when I thought no one would ever find out that I was being abused, I never hesitated to pray and ask for strength and courage and hope. I am proud to hear another Survivor speak out, and hopefully help someone else out there. That is exactly what I have been trying to do for 28 years, tell my story and share my testimony of hope, love and survival. Understanding that you are never really alone, is a huge blessing.
Need to now turn off the thoughts in my head from this and head, say my prayers of gratitude that I am who I am today, healthy, happy and safe! Good night dear friends!
"What do we live for; if it is not to make life less difficult to each other?" ~T.S. Eliot
"It is never too late to be what you might have been." ~ George Eliot